Parental question for young teen daughters?

Question

My husband and I are pretty protective of our kids, they are both young teen girls 12 and 13.

Our youngest daughter asked if she can start having male friends call the house, she is a pretty friendly person and knows lots of kids, actully a particular male friend, she does not like him as a boyfriend but as a friend (that is what she says) My husband said absolutely NOT, and made a Pretty big deal about it.

She has been begging for a cell phone and a MY SPACE, she has neither, (but she did recently behind our back get help from kids at school on how to set up a MY SPACE without getting my permission, it is now closed)

What do you recommend as the best way to start allowing some freedom so they do not feel so smothered and resentment. I am just afraid that if I am too hard nose they will start to do things behind our back.

I appreciate your Parental suggestions. Thank you.

Answer 1

Is there a real need for the phone?

Is there a real need for the Myspace?

If you tell them that they will be on a leash (and that means you have access to see what is going on), I would let them have it, with the proviso anything that is unwanted or unwarrented will result in revocation of these privledges

Answer 2

I'm 14 and I can see where you're coming from. It's good that you've decided to allow your children some liberty.

You're exactly right- I resent the fact my mother didn't allow me more freedom (I used to live with her until this year when I went to live with my father) She's quite strict and has a hot temper. It's a shame; of course I love her, but she still considers me her little girl and that gets frustrating.

Personally I think it is especially hard for mums to start to "let go" of their daughters, but the time appears to have come. Your youngest seems to want more social freedom. Really I don't think there's a problem in guy friends calling the house, as long as you've got a few rules such as no calling after a certain time.

Do you know how old the "particular male friend" is? If he's 12 he's about to hit puberty and there's always a chance he'll become interested in your daughter/s.

I got my first cell (or mobile, whatever) phone at age 11... I think. A family friend bought me a Nokia 3315, a standard monochrome-screen phone. It did the job and for my birthday last month I got a new phone (flip with camera), purely because my initial phone was stolen from a bag I'd left on the beach.... clumsy huh?

Respect her reasons for one though. She's gonna start to want to go out with her friends more. Make sure she's on a pre-paid credit otherwise the bill will run up out of control. Does your eldest have one? I guess they should both get one. It really is handy and you don't have to get the "latest", a trendy looking Nokia w/ colour screen (?) will suffice. Trust me.

As far as a MySpace is concerned, you should allow her one. I have a MySpace, then again my internet usage is not monitered. Don't worry about what she's looking at on the internet! I like having the freedom I do. I think my father was stricter on me it would encourage me to rebel. MySpace is really handy for me because I can send comments and messages to all my favourite singers or bands and visit their MySpace's also. It's just a bit of fun, and only she can confirm whether she accepts someone's "Friend" request. It's safe unless she accepts "Friend" requests from people she doesn't know.

Basically just give her a few more priveliges. Let her stay up half an hour later (this is debateable depending on whether you have a set bedtime or not, but if she's behaving well then it seems reasonable), increase her pocket money buy a couple of dollars a week (say if you would normally give her $7, give her $10) or if you don't give pocket money, then begin to do so... etc. Allow her to communicate to both boys and girls through the landline phone. Let her go to the mall with friends unsupervised as long as she promises to phone you and have herself home by a particular time. Do the same with your other daughter. I'm looking for a weekend job... maybe your 13 year old can have a look into that? At local places, you have to be a particular age to work at places like McDonalds, Target etc... My parents think it's a great way to help me learn more about the value of the dollar.... etc etc.

Hope this advice helps you out, good luck :)

Answer 3

First off, I got a cell phone for school projects and emergencies. Ligthen up! With conservative parents and all, I am still not allowed to date even though all my friends are dating and I have been asked out a few times. I am at a similar age as your daughters and know that with such strict rules as these, I would also want to rebel. I also had a MYSPACE which I wasn't supposed to have and that is closed as well. I feel sometimes that my parents are too strict but I also know the risks and dangers that my parents are trying to protect me from. You should really consider allowing the guy to call because you should trust your daughter enough when she says he's only a friend. It's not like they're dating or anything, so a phone call can't do any harm. Lighten up! You don't want you daughter to resent everything you're keeping her from -- no matter how good your intentions are.

Answer 4

OH MY GOD! u are the same as my parents :-)

Look, I get the myspace thing. Has she heard about all the people who have died from it? Ah, freaky... While I want one, I'm done with myspace, finished..after all the lectures i've gotten from school.
Cell phone? Why not? i got mine when i was 12 becuase I have to take a bus, call home about school, etc. etc. You're not home allt he time, and she's not either. Get her the phone, when she goes to her friend's house, you can always reach her. When she gets lost, she can always reach you.

Regarding the boy problem, totally the same here. Look, I have tons of guyfriends. And I don't tell my parents about any since they said no hanging out with guys at home n like that..and they get really weird when I come back from a co-ed party. They still treat me like I should be anti-boy, when i'm 13! And I know this sounds really frightening to a parent, but girls have friends that are guys. They also start having relationships, at your daughter's age, bf/gf, and it's really weird, but a lot of people still want to have a boyfriend. And I say, what is so bad about..firstly..having a friend that is a boy?
A boy, that's a friend? Well, don't you have plenty? Why is it so bad if your friend is a boy? If you insist, and she insists, on no interest in the bf way, then whats to be worried about? Secondly, set up some lines, but don't just..like force her to be friends with only girls. If you say no to she saying 'can i see a movie with bob' then that's just wrong. If she said 'can i see a movie with lizzie' and you say yes, why say no to the boy? becuase he's a boy? he's just a boy, and you can have a parent go in the theater, sit a few rows back, and see that there will be no kissing, holding hands, all that stuff.
You worry to much. Your daughter isn't stupid. She won't make out with some guy at a movie theater. She wants friends that are guys, that's all.

Answer 5

Okay...
I just turned 15 a couple of weeks ago and I have both a myspace and a cell phone. Cell phones are all okay. Just tell her that she can only use it in emergencies and such.
As for the Myspace, its alright. All you have to do is be smart. Set up one with her and check it often. There is also a setting where only the people she adds as friends can view her profile. Don't let her state her name, age or location because as you know there are crazy, immature people out there.
Its okay if you crack the whip on some things. I guess it sorta depends where you live. If youre liek me and live in a small town out in the middle of nowhere, 60 miles from a Fred Meyer; Myspace and a cellular can help her be free of boredom.
But, on the other hand if you live near a big city, then Myspace iis not needed. A cell is a good idea though, just to have just in case she gets into an uncomfortable situation. You know she getting to that age where peer pressure pops out.
Hope I helped some.

Answer 6

There is a phone from cingular that's especially deigned for kids. i htink its caled firefly. It will only allow certain numbers to call it and to be called from it. There's also a disney phone (dont know the carrier) that lets u set a time schedule for the phone, that way they can't use it during certain hours.
Let them have the phones and pay for the bills or at least make sure they know the responsibility of paying bills. Go through them with them and show them how to read the bills.

Let them have guy friends and call the house. wow, that should have been a while ago. If u are worried about what they'll be saying on thephone with boys, put them on speaker phone or be there while they are on the phone. Sme with computer chat rooms or myspace. be there every step of the way. You obviously know about not letting them pu anything personal online right.

I dont know if myspace lets u set limits, but on ur computer in general u can set limits, such as not being able to access adult content sites or sites with adult language and chat rooms and stuff. I know how to set them and how frustrating they are when on.

Answer 7

You could have her get Facebook instead of myspace. On facebook you can set it up so only the kids from the school she goes to can see her profile. You can do that on myspace too but its a little easier and safer on facebook. (facebook.com) As for the guy it's going to happen eventually. 13 is about the normal age. Maybe calling isn't a bad idea but not having him over the house. As for cell phones it might not be a bad idea as she can keep in touch with you but it also could be bad because she could call and text people and you'd be less likely to know about it. I'm not a parent but I'm 18 and I've been through that wanting to talk to people on the internet and cell phone and more friends and stuff I'd say I got more freedom gradually which was good because you don't get too much and you're not too immature to have it all.

Answer 8

Well first if she is in a lot of after school activities then you could get her a cell phone, but set limits for the celll phone. And the Myspace if she keeps asking for it and you keep saying no she WILL make one behind your back. So you could help her set up a myspace that is safe and tell her how to handle it. And about the boys calling your house, if she is old enough to do that stuff then that should be ok but if she is still pretty young wait a little more.

Answer 9

am not a parent yet but my lil bro is 13. A myspace is not a big deal, u can always check what they are doing. A phone call isnt going to kill anybody either. These are little things that i think might even help you get to know your daughters better. You might get to know who her friends are, which is something very important. We never asked my parents for permission as in when to start gettin phone calls or non of that, which shows your daughters have a lot of respect and trust for you. Dont ruin that by not letting them get lil simple things. theres a lot of other big things you should worry about. And as u might have learned they going to do it anyways even if its behind your back, so you might as well kno about it!

Answer 10

Wow, youre girls should definately be allowed to use the phone and talk to boys. You shouldn't shelter your children like that. They need to learn things on their own ya know. And though I may have been 12 ten years ago, I still remember a lot. Yes they will lie to you and do things behind your back if you don't allow them. Let your children grow up you have to realize they aren't going to be babies forever. By sheltering them you are really just hurting them in the long run. And just so you know, the kids that I knew in High School whose parents never let them do anything went to college and became the biggest partiers and drunks I know of. And at their age I dont think they need a cell phone, maybe when they are sixteen. Having a cell phone just makes it easier to lie about where you are and things like that.Be open with your children and let them grow up please! You want them to communicate with you and not keep things from you right!So build that trust with them.

Answer 11

Take my advice... you are overprotective. Let them have boys call, its natural. It seems like your husband is living in the past. Talk to your kids about myspace, about what NOT to put on their myspace, like address, phone number etc. Get her a cell phone (unless you cant afford it, then thats a different issue). Just talk to her about proper use. As for the talking to boys on the phone, im sorry, its inevitable that they will talk to boys anyway. when i was a kid, i had restrictions like those you set, and i imploded. I went berserk and broke all the rules to make a point. Your kids could do this unless you learn to lay off a little. If you have anyother questions feel free to email me.

P.S. what was with you closing your daughters myspace?! unless it had personal info, you are REALLY in need of laying off. They will go behind your back more often when they reach their true teen years.