I wrote this poem, how good do you think it is....? (click on this question to see the actual poem)?

Question

(my poem:)




Here I am,

Rattling on the bus this morning,

The sun rising beyond the trees

Upon a glistening world of purity

Adorned with last night's fresh snow

In beautiful silence.



I touch my face to my book for a moment

And smile.

Answer 1

sucks. give the reader a point or a theme.

Answer 2

Okay, you are WAY above the place most beginning poets start at. You have included sensory imagery, and that is the meat of poetry. Trust more advanced poets when they say to stick to sensory details. It may seem arbitrary now, but the further you go with poetry writing the more you will begin to understand why.

When you go with abstract concepts, you "tell" your audience what to think, feel...etc. But what the REAL job of the poet is, is to draw your audience in, have them experience something, and then decide for themselves what they think/feel etc.

So a semi line by line--

Here I am,

This is a bad opener. You only have a short time to draw your audience in before they turn the page. This cliche will have them page turning faster than you can begin the next line.

rattling on the bush this morning,
the sun rising beyond the trees.

Good introduction of sensory details to draw the reader in. The problem with this sentence though is the confusion caused by bad grammer. Are you meaning to suggest that it was the sun rattling on the bus? I don't think you are. Also, you want to be wary of ing verbs. They creep up on you, are sonically very ugly, and aren't nearly as active and interesting as action verbs.

Upon a glistening world of purity

Skip the purity. Your word choices and images can convey purity. Usually abstracts like these show when a poet is afraid that they aren't communicating what they want to. Don't give in to that fear. Continue searching for a way to express those abstracts through concretes, and you will constantly suprise yourself with what you come up with.

Adorned with last night's fresh snow

Great line. In most cases I would say that you should skip obvious poetic words such as "adorned" but in this case, because you do the right and good poet choice of sticking to regulary words, I think this one is allowable.

In beautiful silence.

Don't wimp out on me again. In what kind of silence? Show us something.

Though, beware to, that your Narrator is contradicting her?self. At first there was rattling. Has it gone away now? I think you need to clarify that/

I touch my face to my book for a moment

and smile

I think this needs a little more clarification. What in the N's mind is the relationship between the natural beauty he/she sees and the book? And why does he/she feel that when he/she touches his/her head to the book that he or she has somehow connected with this natural beauty outside. Unless the middle is actually so

Answer 3

Maya, I agree with many of the comments by peacedevi, (by the way, peace, confirm your e-mail...said in a joking manner). You have done well with imagery, which I consider the primary element of poetry. The transition from "In beautiful silence" and "I touch my face" is rather like a haiku, where the association does not need to be explained. You may not need the double space between.

Answer 4

Very nice, shows you have a special love and understanding of things that do not even touch the average person. Very few people notice the beauty of the world around them, or can capture a moment like that and have the ability to share it with others in such beatiful words....KECK

Answer 5

Loved the poem. Unusual beginning which immediately grabs your attention.Make sure you enter some poetry competitions and try to get it published in literary magazine. Look forward to reading one of your poetry books some day. Never become discouraged.

Answer 6

Keep up the good work!
You definitely have talent. I liked it a lot. I love poems!

Answer 7

Waaaao! Cheers! I love any art expression there is. Keep writing and don't let anybody to let you down. Beautiful!

Answer 8

Veerrrrrry Cool. It really touches me. Start yourself a poem book.............

Answer 9

Simple, yet elegent.



Continue to write, and do not feel bad about it or try to hide it. Share with those who will listen

Answer 10

it is the little things isn't it? i can picture it in my mind and i am smiling too, keep writing, it's good for the soul :-)