What should I do? Do I regret my decision?

Question

Last Sept I decided to end my marriage. I had been unhappy for several years, but not for any specific reason. My husband was a hardworking, considerate, smart and decent man. He never cheated, never strayed. Neither did I. But I always felt unhappy, disconnected. I know he loved me and I loved him but one day I just left. He found another woman and now they live together. I still feel just as disconnected and unhappy as I did during my marriage. I've cried everyday since I moved out. I think about him all the time and miss him terribly. He's moved on and doesn't want me back. I hurt him. Why do I still feel so horrible? How do I get over this? I've tried everything from getting a new job, going out with friends, travelling...but nothing seems to work. Please help me. I feel broken and nothing seems to fix me.

Answer 1

It was a very courageous thing to end your marriage and you didn't do this without due consideration and so, you did what was the best thing for you to have done at the time and the guilt you felt and still feel now, must be horrendous for you?.

But as you have already said, you felt 'disconnected' and so the situation was already out of your hands. Unless you knew what was causing this, there was little you could have done to have changed anything about your decision to leave. You cannot access something deep inside yourself when you are trying to be the wife you so badly wanted to be. A part of you had to switch off and whilst you did switch off, you also disconnected from your marriage too.

I agree with others who say that you are depressed and because this is why no matter what you do, you cannot feel any better. Something inside of yourself has disconnected yourself from you and that is something deep and likely has it's roots in childhood that you are too afraid of connecting with any pain you have learned to shut yourself off from. When we have been exposed to trauma or pain in childhood, we learn to cut ourselves off from our emotions and when we are adults, we carry this pain inside of us but we have buried it so deep in childhood, we cannot access it as adults.

This explains why you cannot reach the part of you that is very sad and why you try to find ways of avoiding feeling anything by buying things or going on holidays and things that will distract you so as not to be in touch with what is happening underneath.

You will need to talk to a doctor to see if you can get some counselling to talk through these feelings and who will help you make sense of the 'diconnected' feeling I strongly suspect it is because somewhere in your childhood, you had learned to cut off from emotions that were too painful to feel at the time and the way you cope as an adult now has a lot to do with this.

You are not guilty for ending your marriage, it was the right thing for you to do at the time and you couldn't give to the relationship what you didn't have to give at the time. You gave your husband the gift of finding new love and although you didn't want to walk out on him, you had no choice but do do that. No one can blame you for that and why forgiving yourself is not going to be easy.

You cannot forgive yourself until you understand why you felt disconnected and still do. If you were to know why before, then things could have been different, but when you are shut-down, you cannot possibly understand what is going on inside of you.It takes time to find out and you will once you have begun to find a voice for your feelings and to try to talk about what is going on.

adults who were abused in childhood for example, keep silent for many years because they feel ashamed about what a grown adult did to them and somehow feel as if it was their fault and feel to blame for what a trusted adult had done to them. They don't want to beleive that daddy or some man could have done those terrible things to them and so they learn to disconnect from the pain and well into adult life.

I am not saying that this is what happened to you, but there will be something you have spent your life hiding away the pain from your childhood years where you were either abused or neglected in some way and so you learnt to shut-off from people around you as an adult and why you felt discconnected from your husband and yourself. I have counselled many people who have been abused as children and they all have gone through life feeling disconnected from people and themselves and is the most usual area they suffer the most.

You will know why you feel disconnected, but it is harder to face it than look into the reasons you may have to go into if you don't want to feel like this anymore. You are a very strong woman for having walked out of a marriage and especially given the fact that you didn't do this for no reason at all. The reasons were there and now you have to move on and accept that he has now gone.

Now, you need to focus on you - to fix you is going to mean getting some help and to finally talk to someone about this issue that you have been carrying around for some time now and deserve to be un-burdened by the weight of what pulls you down and makes you feel broken. Anything broken can be fixed, it takes time though and some help and support from people who know and understand what you are going through.

I felt broken for a very long time and disconnected - I was abused as a child and so at least know where my feelings come from, but admitting to what adults had done to my life was the hardest thing of all. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and am now learning to trust and like men again but for a long time, i felt disconnected.

You will find out where your pain is coming from and you will know how to fix the broken you - I promise you that.

Answer 2

Ofcourse you are going through a rough patch at the moment as much as you say you were unhappy, you had obviously been together a long time so it is like you have lost a part of yourself. Yes l realise that your husband probably felt cheated by what you did, but on the otherhand he has to understand that you were unhappy and l would say perhaps a little depressed at the time you made your decision to leave. The crying part is normal, l know been there and done that !! I also think that the fact your husband has moved on and doesn't want you back has made you feel a little unwanted even though it was your choice to leave in the first place.Men seem to find it easier to move on than women for some reason. Having said that though l guess your husband probably had a hard time understanding why you didn't want him and had something to prove to himself.If l was you l would certainly speak to your doctor and maybe get some anti- depressants they will help you to get by until you start to feel better in yourself. Trust me with time things will get a lot easier to cope with. I guess it is that old saying you have made your choice , now you must deal with it ,as hard as it may seem now, it will get better. I do really feel sorry for you but with good friends to talk to you will overcome this. Honestly you will. I wish you good luck and happiness in the future. x

Answer 3

This is a very hard one.I really think you need to seek professional help.You needed to seek help before you left but as you know it is to late.There not much a person can say you moved out and he moved on.I would say you need to move on but buy the way you are writing this you need help before you can move on.You did not say how old you are.I know we cant go threw life feeling the way you feel,I went threw it back 6or7 years ago moved out come back moved out stayed 8 months I have a good wife but the love was just gone I started working away 4 day a week gone from home this has help me and her a lot we talk more than we every have we been married for 25 years.Enough of us need to get back to you if you don't gett some help you will never be able to move own with your life.There going to ge people give you all kinds of information some good some bad,they have some good medication out there might need to take a short stay in a hospital to get some med.started and get into a group this it worth a try.don't think you can do it for your self and the people on Yahoo surely cant help you be cool someone is thinking of you.

Answer 4

I guess I am confused about why, exactly, you left him to begin with? You were unhappy- disconnected? He was wonderful- sounds like your issue not his. Did you seek therapy-anything - before you walked out on your marriage?

I think there is more then what you are saying as your reason for leaving. Just my opinion.

Seems you hurt him- and he was a good man- but someone else has him now.

Truth can be hard sometimes. Find a counselor and get your head together.

Answer 5

It sounds like you have been going through a bout of depression lately and that may have caused you to think that your marriage was not working. You need to talk to your Dr. and maybe find a anti-depressant that will work for you. I think you should also consider some form of therapy for your mental state until you come to grips with this problem nothing is going to help. Keep your friends close you will need some ofrm of support while you overcome this. God Bless and good luck going to god can help to start praying if you already do good on you God can works wonders as long as you have the faith in him this does not mean getting your husband back he has gone on with his life thats what hurt Men do.

Answer 6

No. I don't remorse it and I do not desire I was once one. I misplaced my virginity three years in the past. I was once with a man for 7 months earlier than we had intercourse. And two.five years complete. I adored him very a lot. I made definite that regardless of how the connection went I would not remorse my resolution and I do not. To upload to that 6 month in the past I received at the capsule. And my present boyfriend and I had intercourse with no condom. Also an overly sentimental and major factor to provide away. I do not consider I'll ever remorse that both. I'm joyful I received to proportion what I shared with each and every of them. I am joyful with how my lifestyles has long past, and I'm joyful that I received to provide anything that lovely to 2 individuals who've supposed the sector to me. If I do not become marrying the person I'm with I'm definite there will likely be anything simply as specific that I can present my husband. And FYI it does not always must be sexual. Hope that solutions your query.

Answer 7

Maybe its depression or menapause might wanna talk to a dr. sounds like hubby went on with his life. And you need to also.Once you hurt a guy like that it is really hard you might have to just let him go and regret it hun. But go to a dr. I am going threw menapause now I have to take meds for it. If I forget my meds I am so unhappy with everything even my husband that I love so much GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

so you blew it, don't feel alone. we all blow it one time or another
If you really loved the guy you'd let him go and accept it that he is happy where he is at. Perhaps it is best. Everything happens for a reason and after all you said yourself you were misreable with him. You made your choice,stick with it and your life will work itself out. Just remember in the future your choices can sometimes affect two people's future.

Answer 9

Have you tried therapy? You could be going thru depression since a very long time. Try it probably will help you find happiness and to move on.

Answer 10

You sound depressed. See a doctor and get that fixed. Once happy, you should be able to find a new person and move on.

Answer 11

Since you're ex husband does not want you back, you should try dating other men. You must have had some reason for dumping him. I think you should see a psychiatrist.