what is the most stress a marriage can endure?

Question

I'v been married for only 2 years. My husband and I have suffered 3 first trimester miscarriages and just 10 days ago we lost our stillborn daughter. This morning we had to put our 17 year old cat to sleep. I'v been crying my eyes out and unable to function (make dinner, clean up, engage in sexual relations) and my husband says he's depressed too but he's able to hide it and still keep soldiering on, going to work, cleaning up etc. I feel really guilty but also really angry because he was the one who wanted to keep trying to have a baby and now I'v lost 4 of them and feel like a basket case while he is still emotionally able to function. Today we had a huge argument and I told him he should find a younger woman who can hold a pregnancy, so that at least he can have a child, and he told me it makes him lose his love for me for a day after I get really angry with him. Can our marriage survive? If not, how do we split the ASHES of our stillborn daughter? we both want them desperately.

Answer 1

You definitely have stress. Your husband may not be showing signs of his depression but pushing those feelings deep within. You are lucky you can express your grief, he apparently is trying very hard to stay level to help you get thru yours. You're pushing him away, none of this is his fault but it sounds like you want him to react a certain way and he's not. That's a pretty hurtful remark to make to him, suggesting he find a younger woman, he obviously loves you or he'd be gone. Your marriage can survive but you have to work on it too.

Answer 2

The thought of losing a child is enough to unsettle any marriage.But it shouldn't be enough to break it.You and your husband have gone through something that will haunt you for along time.Your grief is real and theres nothing anyone can say to make the pain go away.Your husband is feeling the same grief you are but with some differences.He will never know how it feels to carry a child inside him or how it will feel bonding mother and child as one.These things are only for a mother and a man will never know what its like.Don't give up a marriage because you can't have a child.You both have gone through something that will take time to heal plus your body is changing everyday because of what happened.You both should talk about your feelings and see if this helps.If you can't talk to each other together then maybe it s a good idea to go to a therapst.I think its safe to say you are suffering for depression because of all that has happened and it would be good for you to seek help with this.

Answer 3

Every marriage has its challenges, but it is selfish of you to expect another person to deal with pain the same way you do. Your husband is dealing with the situations the best way he can and you should not begrudge him that. If you love him, you will make every effort to make your marriage survive. Simply because things get really rough in a relationship, one doesn't go off the deep end. If it is your destiny, you will have a child. All you need to do is stop trying so hard. Your daughter's ashes are not to be split. She was one solid being and should remain as such. Look deep inside of your heart and think things through before you throw away something that you may regret later.

Answer 4

You are in a very tough situation, my own son passed at 4 months so I do understand and am truly sorry for your losses. There is no reason for you to feel guilty just because you handle grief differently. Just because he can hide his does not mean that it won't affect him later. In fact it probably will. My husband seemed like he was okay and then he went off the hook drinking.

What I don't understand is how your husband can say he loses his love for you when you get angry with him. Just because my husband and I sometimes fight does not mean we love each other any less.

I would seriously recommend you both get grief counseling or at the least check and see if there are support groups in your area. If he is reluctant to go then tell him that it would help you if he went too.

Answer 5

Do not make any decisions while in your present condition..
Men are men and women are women...
Men handle pain differently than women..
Pain is pretty much an individual thing and different
people handle it differently..
Be thankful that your husband's handling of the pain is different
than yours, at least he is still functioning...
Yes, your marriage can survive, but it won't if you don't want it to..
Stop getting angry with him, it is not his fault and with all you have both been through, he can't take much undeserved anger from you..Perhaps you need to do something active...Exercise ? Swimming ? Jogging ? Bicycle ? Winter Garden ? Paint house ?

Answer 6

Of course your marriage can survive this. Keep trying and don't get mad that he isn't as upset as you are. Thats just a male thing...men are not as emotional or don't show it at least. Keep trying to have a baby or adopt! There are so many children that need a good home. I 'm also sorry you had to put your cat to sleep...I am a cat person also. Keep your chin up.

Answer 7

You are mourning, understandably so.
Men show emotion differently. He is hurting, too. So don't be so hard on him. Crying and shock are the first phase of mourning. You've had too many heartaches.
Your marriage can be saved. You have many, many years together. some better than others.
Give it time. work together and have faith things will work out as they should be.
See your doctor and give your body and yourself some time to heal.

Answer 8

marriage is tough but there are other means of having a child if your body isn't meant for it .maybe some marriage counsling would help. i've been married for almost 8 years but been with him 15 and i think drinking can be one of the worst challenges you can endure in a marriage .

Answer 9

MY CONDOLENSES TO U ON ALL THAT U AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE ENDURED. GET SOME COUNSELING IF U BELIVE IN GOD TALK TO HIM ALSO TALK TO THE PASTOR AT YOUR CHURCH OR CALL CLAVARY CHAPEL THEY R VERY GOOD. TRY FAMILY COUNSELING 2 GETHER AS WELL AS SEPERATELY. MY PRAYERS WILL BE WITH U AS U GO THRU THIS. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR FOR A REFERAL TO A CLINICAL OR LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST. U NEED TO TALK TO SOME ONE AND ITS GOOD YOUR HUSBAND IS SOLDIERING ON BUT NOT GOOD TO KEEP IT BOTTLED UP AND 1 OF THESE DAYS HE WILL EXPLODE AND LET IT ALL OUT HE NEEDS TO GRIEVE U2 NEED TO B GRIEVING 2GETHER ITS HARD U HAVE LOST SO MUCH JUST WHEN U NEED E/O URNT THERE FOR 1 ANOTHER. YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE BY GETTING COUNSELING AND TALKING ABOUT IT AND GOING TO CHURCH. MY PRAYERS R WITH U GOD B WITH U.LOL.AGAIN I AM SORRY FOR ALL YOUR LOSS.

Answer 10

1. go to a fertility specialist to find out why you cannot carry.
2. join a womens support group or something.

it'll survive if you work at it. just remember he's goin thru all this **** to. not just about you.