Do you think that a person can be truly forgiven if he/she cheats in a marriage?

Question

I have been married for 8 years. A few months ago I had an affair with another man. My husband found out. Afterwards, we decided to salvage our marriage by getting counseling and studying with our minister. We are still together today, without a thought of adultery on my mind, but I wonder will the trust ever be what it used to be? Can he fully give his heart again? Is it doomed because of the lack of faith and trust? Will he ever cheat on me? Am I lazy and he weak to try and salvage a marriage that had enough problems for me to cheat? It is my fault for comitting the act, but there is always more than one side to a problem.

Answer 1

Forgiving and forgetting are two different things and while your husband may have forgiven u, it doesn't mean he's forgotten about it The trust that was rebuilt between u since then may now be more fragile than it was before u cheated so it requires more of an upkeep (on your part).

Just realize that trust, once broken, isn't something that's rebuilt overnight. Sometimes it takes yrs and even then, it may never be 100% again. The fact that your husband wants to salvage the marriage does NOT make him weak. Quite the contrary. It takes a very strong person to be able to forgive something like this.

Answer 2

Yes, a person can be forgiven for having an affair. And yes, a marriage can be salvaged after someone had an affair. In the case when the woman is the one who had the affair it is more difficult for the man to overcome it but, not impossible. A man’s ego and sense of integrity is generally shattered when he finds out. Regaining trust is another difficult part for the man to confront. An important part of the reconciliation process is when both in counseling discuss the reasons that led the other part to have an affair.

It would be healthy if both shared responsibility for the deterioration of the marriage. Generally, women resort to unfaithfulness when they feel that not much attention is being paid to them. Also when politeness and good words on her looks and femininity disappear. The husband will slowly regain trust observing the wife’s demeanor and sense of regret for having been unfaithful. Counseling is a very good start; make sure that the key issues that originated the problem are talked about honestly and with the intentions of making them disappear. Talking to your minister or priest is also a great idea when you’re a Christian. Good advice can come from him but remember that they are generally not married or have children so some of the terrestrial man to woman advice can be a bit generic.

Marriage is a good thing and you have my entire admiration by trying to save it. Don’t lose faith. No one knows you husband better than you do. You know what he can and cannot do. If it is in him to forgive you’ll know it. All marriages have problems. It is overcoming these problems that make the relationship stronger and perpetual. Keep on trying and you’ll see that it will be worth doing so. I wish you the best!

Answer 3

I do not think you are lazy and weak. I think the lazy thing to do would have been to walk away because it would take a lot less effort to just walk than it does to salvage your marriage. Now, about the trust issue.. I think that your marriage can be salvaged, but it is going to take a lot of time to rebuild the trust. Your husband may or may not ever cheat on you. It really depends on how he feels. Maybe you should ask him instead of asking us how he feels. It is hard to say in your situation how he feels. The best thing to do is talk to each other about how you feel and you really need to be patient with him and his gaining back his trust.

Answer 4

Yes, but it all depends on the heart of the "victim"! Only time is going to heal this one sister!!! Its a really good thing that you are getting counseling together.
It will take a lot of time to heal his heart and because you broke it, you need to be real patient. Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean forget. He will in time be able to give you his heart....but when is not answerable. It's not doomed if you two follow the advise of your counselor and have true open communication.
Will he cheat on you???? Who knows...!
Laziness and weakness nor the problems in your relationship did not cause you to cheat...you cheated because you wanted to....you got caught up in a situation and you let yourself go with it. People don't cheat because of problems...they cheat because they think they can get away with it!!! Admitting this will help you heal. I'm sure your problems WERE relevant and may have caused you to want to stray ...but you made a conscious decision to seek outside the relationship...if you ever find yourself in that situation again and decide your going to go through with it...at least honor your own integrity and give the man a call and tell him it's over...

i wish you luck...

Answer 5

Some say " time heals all wounds" maybe, but I do not think he will ever trust you 100%
You say "there is always more than one side to a problem" which is of course true. However this does not justify your cheating.

Your husband will always be thinking that it happened once so when will it happen again.

BUT if you both really love each other and you both understand why it happened you maybe can still have a long, enjoyable, happy marriage.

To make one mistake is human, probably best to not cheat again !

Answer 6

We all have the ability to make choices, including ones about trust. My philosophy on this is, what good is not trusting, it makes you sick, it makes you worry and it WONT make a scrap of difference to the outcome. Worrying about whether someone is going to cheat on you, wont stop him/her cheating, so you have to make a conscious choice to trust. It is best for your own peace of mind anyway. You made a mistake and if your husband is still making you "pay", then he hasnt forgiven you. I do believe people "cheat" for a reason. And it is always the person who "cheats" who has to pay. What about the actions or lack of, the spouse. How does someone live without being respected and loved for any amount of time without wanting more. I know of so many situations where the wife/husband cheats then when they are found out all the blame gets put on their shoulders. What about all the conversations they had previous to the affair telling how unfullfilled they were, telling the spouse how unloved and they felt......they didnt listen, so I think in a lot of cases half the blame has to go on the person who didnt listen. You had an affair because of something that was not being provided in the marriage....so he has to take responsibility for that too. If he is still not giving you what was lacking before and still blaming you for the affair, then I would sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms, that you refuse to pay for the mistake for the rest of your life, and if he continues to behave this way, then you wont just have an affair, you will leave him because he is not providing you with what you need. He can choose to trust you, of course he can. He can give you his whole heart again, but only if he wants to...he can choose to let go of the distrust...it is within his power to do that. I get the impression, however, that he chooses to keep on making you "pay". It's not on, he hasnt got that right. You have to start looking at reality....why did you have the affair in the first place? I bet it wasnt for the hell of it, I bet it was for a reason. Ok, you wanted to make your marriage work, but you cant do it alone, and if he keeps on hanging onto the past then, Im sorry to say this, but he is totally in the wrong. If you can stop feeling guilty, if you can put this affair where it belongs, then he needs to do the same, and if he cant, then he has a problem. Dont be so nice about it. Whilever you are feeling guilty, he will always have the upper hand. You made a mistake, its over....dont allow him to keep on blaming you. If your needs are still not being met by your husband and you are still feeling bad about the affair because of the guilt he is probably making you feel, then he is in a real position of power and you will be forever trying to please him, and I would hate to see you become a doormat. Maybe he needs to place a bit more importance of rectifying whatever was missing in the marriage and work on ways to make you feel loved. Everyone is different, and until a person is in a particular situation, all we can do is surmise what we would do. I bet you never thought you would have an affair, but a man came along who swept you off your feet and you felt loved and special again. I can certainly relate to that. We all need to feel loved and appreciated by our man, and if thats not happening and he wont take it seriously, then really he should be taking 50% of the blame, no more, no less.

He either wants the marriage to work, which means he chooses to trust you again and he starts to treat you with respect and love. If thats not happening, then I suggest go to a marriage guidance counsellor to work on ways to spice up your marriage. It is not just your responsibility to make the marriage work...he has to work at it too.

Forgive yourself...you know the reasons why you had the affair, and it wasnt for the hell of it, it was because of something lacking in the marriage. Put it into perspective and stop allowing him to make you feel guilty.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

Answer 7

Of course you can. You both need to strengthen your relationship now. Always try to understand each other and have a good communication with your husband. Looks like you are Christians, so
get that support from the bible. Pray as a family and try to be happy at every time. Show that you care and courage him all these will help to
bring the trust and faith.

Answer 8

I'm sorry - you probably don't want to hear this, but I don't think so. I mean, you can be "forgiven" to an extent and your husband can love you and trust you 99%, but he will never forget therefore he will never be able to completely trust you and that is where I think you can't be "truly forgiven".

It's good that your going through your minister and you have your Christian values, but I just think there'e no way you can ever truly get over it. Fortunately for you, it sounds like your husband really loves you and is willing to overcome this, he is OK with accepting life with you only beingable to trust you 99% and because of that it can work, but neither of you will be able to have the "fairy tale"

Answer 9

You are not weak to try to save your marriage as a matter of fact more people should take this same idea to heart and stand up for what they started in the first place.Marriage is hard and to many times people decide that its to much work to try to save and its easier to walk away.With alot of work on your part to win his trust back and alot of understanding on his it can work.You will find times when he may be distant or not as loving as always but this is something that he will have to deal with on his on.Make sure that he knows how much you want him and how important it is that BOTH of you work it out TOGETHER. As far as him cheating on you its probably not worth worring about.If he didn't stray before this it's probably not in his character.To many marriages are ending because one or the other thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.When a couple stand in front of a preacher and say their vows both of them should take this to heart because after the wedding and life starts anew somewhere down the road things are and will get rough.Each of you gave a vow to stand as one and to be strong when the other is weak.So many people forget this and choose the easy way out.

Answer 10

I think it's possible, but it will take a long time to rebuild the trust. You need to work out the problems. You're right, it's never one sided. If you both feel committed to the marriage and working out your problems instead of avoiding them and there is no abuse in the relationship I think it's brave to keep trying. It's way too easy to walk away these days. Will he cheat? Hard to say. Only time will tell.