I've had a really bad day I need............?

Question

Which is to do with my ex hubby......

I need some positive words or funny jokes to make me smile.......

I didn't lose something great I left him but he still has a hold over me

keep the gags coming guys

Answer 1

If disembowlment or neutering isn't legal in your shire let's get personal:
For a moment consider what your ex would look like in lace trim Y-fronts or very lacy pink boxer pants.
Then imagine him walking to work, straight in, and having no knowledge that he has no shirt or trousers on.
Imagine him then merely being befuddled, like the silly rotter that he is, wondering why people are looking oddly at him, giggling, or hurrying away as he approaches.
Imagine, when the police come to take him away, not being able to understand english, and when they point down, he can not see anything but trousers.
Imagine them giving him trousers before he appears before the magistrate, only to have him say, no thanks, I mine are fine.
Imagine him being put away in a room with padded walls, still able to hear perfectly, and speak perfectly, but not comprehending a word!
Imagine him finally, upon release, being run over by a taxi and two good old fashioned double decker.
First the taxi crushes his foot. As he is hopping round on one leg, the first bus crushes the other foot. Falling down people step over and round him. In blind pain he thinks that his penis and bol lo cks have shriveled to the size of a newborn's.
Finally, after untold agony, God says
"That is what you got on earth for being a prat to your ex. She was lovely inside and beautiful outside. Now you can come to talk to me in person''
Then the second bus runs him over with no apology, and he is swiftly escorted to God, or if you like directly to the hell that may await a useless Prat like he!
[I hope this made your day!!!]

Answer 2

You are an absolutely fantastic, and beautiful person. Many people love you and you are worthy of true, unconditional, deep love. Every day when you wake up say Thank you God for this day!!! Look in the mirror and say I Know Who I am and I am Fabulous!!!! Here's a joke for ya:

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Answer 3

a pig walks in a bar ask the bartender for 20 beers.Drinks all of them then ask where the bathroom was. the bartender replies first door on the left. Then leave.
Another pig does the same ask the bartender for 20 beers. then ask where the bathroom is the bartender replies first door on the left.
A third pig comes in the bar and again the same thing happens.
then the forth pig come in and the same thing happens but this time the pig started out the door and the bartender says aren't u going 2 ask where the bathroom is. The little pig reply no Iam littel pig that goes wewewe all the way home.

what does a hillbillie get 4 halloween he gets 2 pump kin get hahaha.

Answer 4

In England I'd suggest you brain him with a cricket bat. maybe a baseball bat ??

Here's a joke from Yorkshire in England

At Tesco's, I was buying a large bag of Winalot for my labrador and had got as far as checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her No! but that I was starting up the "winalot diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't because, last time I had ended up in hospital as an indirect result. But because I'd lost 50 pounds before I wakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms I was willing to try it again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete. So I was going to start it up again to achieve the original target weight.

I must mention here that everyone in the queue was by now enthralled. She then asked how I ended up in intensive care? Was it because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no;

I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when I was hit by a car.

Answer 5

u think u have it bad 2 weeks ago i came home from work and the neighbour was out mowing the lawn. now i know big deal rt. he was wearing a speed-o. this guy is about 350lbs and covered with hair. it looks like he is trying to smuggle a bear skin rug through customs. I don't know if it was this or that he has bigger boobs than my ex gf.
Now i have had to go to theropy to try and get this picture out of my mind. i had to get rid off my st. bernard every time i saw him it gave me flash backs.i can't even look at a mower now, i start to cry and the only grass i can be around is in my buddies pipe.
i would commit suicide, but my luck would be he would be the grounds keeper. then he would be mowing over my grave.
so u see things could be worse. :)

Answer 6

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Answer 7

Well so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Of course you know that are what ex's are for.

But maybe this will help............

Me And You Is Friends!
You Smile, I Smile ....
You Hurt, I Hurt ..
You Cry, I Cry ...

You Jump Off A Bridge ..

I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails

Answer 8

If he provided you with all these things which you are now yearning for, it is very sad that he is your ex. Any chance of reconciliation? If not, I am afraid you will have to find a substitute of some sort. Try a hot toddy for tonight and survey your options tomorrow when you feel better.

Answer 9

So two carrots were walking down the street. One of the carrots got a little too close to the side of the road and ended up falling in to the street. He got hit by a little carrot car and was rushed to the carrot hospital.

His friend wait patiently in the waiting room...pacing back and forth...back and forth.

Finally, the carrot doctor came out from surgery. Frantic, the carrot went running up to him, "Doctor, doctor, is my friend going to be alright?!"

"Well," the doctor says, "I have some good news for you and some bad news."

"The good news, doctor, the good news - tell me my friend is going to be alright!" said the carrot.

"Yes, your friend is going to be alright. The bad news is, however, looks like he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

:)

Answer 10

I am promising you this, and I keep my promises..in two hundred years I will buy you the biggest diamond, and just hand it over to you..and all I want in return is..just go out with me to a fancy restaurant to eat..and that's it...
if that's what you want..
I am promising you this..
so keep up the good hope, and remember..I will be there for you..
good luck
smile