Should I tell my 9 and 8 year old children that their Mom's 'friend' is really their biological grandmother?

Question

Six years ago I successfully located my biological mother who had given me up for adoption at birth. We've established a relationship and see each other a few times a year as we live in different cities. Both my adoptive parents are alive and i have a great relationship with them. My biological mother is terminally ill and I fear she doesn't have much time left. She never married or had other children. Should I tell my children she's my biological mother before she passes away? My adoptive father is also terminally ill and my children know he's sick but don't realize he won't be with us much longer. I don't beleive there's a right or wrong answer here but I'd appreciate any advice I receive. Either way, one day I have every intention of telling my kids that this 'family friend' was their biological grandfather.

OMG, did i really screw up there and say 'grandfather'? I meant grandmother!!!!

Answer 1

I dont see what it would hurt to be honest. It would probably make your biological mother happy to have her recognized for who she really is. Plus what if later when you tell your kids about your mother they wish they had known so they could get to know her better but its too late? will they be mad at you for not telling them sooner? its a possibily. Dont over think this just be honest it will be easier in the long run.

Answer 2

What do you think? Do you think the children would understand that for the past six years their "friend" is really their grandmother? I realize that I'm not in your shoes, but you must have a reason for not telling them before now. I take it that your mother has been alright with being their "friend"....or has she. Has she wanted them to know all along and you wouldn't go along with it? Their are too many ways to go at this situation. Sounds like you need to do some deep soul searching before you make a final decision. Input from all of us out here will give you an idea how they feel...or what they might do...but you are the one who will have to live your decision when your mother is gone. I'm sure you will make the right choice...whatever it may be.

Answer 3

Your children are old enough that they should be able to understand what adoption is. You should tell them so that they can have some sort of relationship with their grandmother before she passes. It might also help your biological mother by easing some tension in her last days. If she has no other family, then having the love of her grandchildren will help ease some pain.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is never easy to deal with death, especially when you know that it is coming, but not when.

Answer 4

I think you should asses the kid's emotional strength to deal with all this. I think for most kids the answer is Yes. The truth shall set you free. The will know what they have a right to know, they will have know their grandmother for however long she has left, and they will deal with the grief of loss, like everyone else on earth.
However, if there are emotional weaknesses, illnesses, etc, (assessed by a medical professional), then I would say you would be justified as a mother in protecting the child from further injury. Of course, you may have to deal with the aftermath in later years .
Ahh, the rewards of parenthood.

Answer 5

You are lucky that your adoptive parents accept the situation. Why didn't you tell them in the first place? They are relatives. You should sit down and talk to your biological mother about this. Do not go to your adoptive parents. They will just get upset. Make sure she doesn't entangle them into the relationship. If they ask though you will have to tell everyone.

Answer 6

Perhaps you should discuss this with the grandparents first and see how they feel about these little ones knowing the truth. If they are at all uncomfortable with this suggestion then please leave it as it is. If on the other hand they are open to this suggestion then certainly inform them of the ties as it sounds as if there is limited time available for them to learn more from their grandparents. If the kids find this scenario a little too much for them to handle then you may have to involve a professional and take them to a family counselor to sort through what is going on. Best of luck to you and yours.

Answer 7

Why wouldn't you tell them? Kids have more than 2 grandparents. My son has 7, did have 8 but one passed away a couple weeks ago. This is due to "step" grandparents and great-grandparents. You should have told them years ago & then you wouldn't have so much explaining to do.

Answer 8

Yes. They are old enough and have the right to know their biological background. Before your bio parents die, ask them many questions about their lives and all of their relatives so you will have your own and your children's history. Also you need to have medical records because many diseases like diabetes, breast cancer and schizophrenia are genetic.

Answer 9

well normally i would wait until they were a little older, but under these kind of circumstances, i definately think u should tell ur children. theyll probably appriciate the chance to talk to their real grandmother, even though its for the last time. hope everything turns out ok! good luck!

Answer 10

I think you should tell them because if she passes away without you telling the children, you will never stop thinking about it. Don`t wait until the ques. what if arrives, do it before, to clear your conscience! Be honest with them let them bond what is left!