Can you help?

Question

Can you help me improve this introduction for a feature story. Here it is:
When a 16 year old young man is in the prime of his youth, he should be going to the cinema, going to partis, playing sports but Fredrick Joseph is restricted from those things because he is paralyzed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair due to a fifteen foot fall.

I agree with you kny

Answer 1

Your premise is wrong, just because he is paralyzed he should not let that stop him from going to the movies, parties or from some sport's (I don't recommend tackle football). People drive, date, and hold jobs. The only thing stopping him is himself.

Answer 2

You need to check your spelling and punctuation.
Your entire presentation is one very long sentence.
I would change it to...
When the average young man is sixteen, and in the prime of his youth, he may be getting his first car, or tackling his buddies on the football field. But, Frederick Joseph is not your average sixteen year old. After a fifteen foot fall from ________. Frederick is paralyzed from the waist down, and confined to a wheelchair.

Also, he could play sports, go to parties and the movies, while being in a wheelchair. If it's his self confidence or transportation needs that are restricting him from doing those things, you need to reword that, because a wheelchair will not prevent him from doing those things. It may prevent him from doing them in ways he is accustomed to, but it won't prevent him from doing them.

Answer 3

ditto!