My bf and i have been together on and off for 8 yrs we met in 7th grade and went out through high school and college. I am 21 yrs old and he is 22 yrs old now and i will be graduating from college within the next few months and so will he.I felt like it was time to make a commitment so i brought up the question of marriage and he proposed three weeks later now after 4 months of being engaged i find out he hates children and has made an appointment to have a vasectomy done!I feel very hurt i have always wanted children of my own and am a family oriented person and from a big family . I want to have my first child at 24 or 25 years of age and a second child at 27 or 28 years of age. I have tried to talk to him but he says he is just not that way?what to do?
2006-11-11 04:26:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
What are chances he changes his mind?I love him but i want children and am very confused if i even want to marry at this this point?
2006-11-11 04:27:05 · update #1
I only want two children its not like i want a litter!
2006-11-11 04:42:44 · update #2
If he doesnt even give you a choice and has already made an appointment for a vasectomy then I wouldnt even think about marrying him anymore. That is crazy. I mean later on in life he could always change his mind and have the vasectomy reversed, but how do you know he really will do that. Just because he hates kids, doesnt mean he will hate his own. He needs to realize that. His own children are a big difference from other peoples children.
2006-11-11 04:32:41 · answer #1 · answered by Blondi 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may change his mind at some time in the future. But if having children is so important to you, I wouldn't risk that.
If he is already planning to have a vasectomy, he is sure that he doesn't want children. Even if he changes his mind later, after a certain number of years has passed, it can be very difficult to reverse a vasectomy. So there are no guarantees there either.
Honestly, if having a big family is that important to you (as it is to me), I would not marry him. If my fiance did not want children I would have to start looking for someone else.
If you tell him just how important it is to you, he may listen. Be specific. Say that children are so important you might leave. He needs to understand that his actions are hurting you very badly. If he will not agree to at least postpone the vasectomy, I would call off the engagement. You do not want the same type of future.
I am sorry this has hurt you so much. It will hurt a lot of people to end the engagement, but that would be much better than marrying him, fighting over it for years, being unhappy, and finally divorcing. It may have to come down to that.
2006-11-11 04:37:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he doesnt want children dont get married. I have been there and done that, and it is a living hell. It will eat you alive until one day you become so bitter and hateful towards your husband that you cant stand him anymore.
Sex loses all interest, since you're never going to make babies, you'll constantly be thinking maybe you're pregnant, while he's acting like his life could be over if you are... You'll beg him to reason with you, you'll get depressed and get ulcers from thinking about it all the time.. the fighting will never stop.
DONT GET MARRIED TO THIS MAN.
This is something that you cannot fix, and you cannot live around it, and you cannot change it.
And if by some stroke of luck you do end up pregnant, every single imagination you had of it being this beautiful joyous moment will be ruined because of his fearful angry reaction. And then month after month of drifting interest and attention from him.
DONT GET MARRIED. You'll end up getting divorced, and milking him for any kind of child support you can get.
Ugh, its a nightmare.
2006-11-11 04:52:38 · answer #3 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I suggest you find a different potential father for your children. Or ask yourself, do you love this man enough to not ever have children? At least he is being honest with you, and doing so before you have to file for a divorce. He may very well change his mind, but he may not. Have you asked him why he doesn't want children? I suggest you decide if children or this man are more important to you. With him, it doesn't seem you can have both. Also, if perhaps you were to end up pregnant, what do you think his reaction would be knowing how he feels about having children? Don't get married before you know the answers to at least these questions. It is way harder to stay married when you are not happy and divorce is no picnic.
2006-11-11 04:42:15 · answer #4 · answered by Strange Iq's 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately this is something that most people don't take the time to talk about until they have already made a commitment. If he is considering getting a vasectomy, then I don't think he will change his mind. If you really want children, maybe you should reconsider being with him. If you think you can go through life happily without kids, then stay with him, but if not, then it sounds like your only choice is to move on with your life and search for someone who wants the same as you!
2006-11-11 04:35:24 · answer #5 · answered by tnmomof2as 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
First of all you can't expect the boy you started out w/in grade school to be the man you love in adulthood. Sometimes that's the case, but in your life it will not be the case.
Don't compromise what you want out of life because this man doesn't want children, luckily your not married yet, and you can still walk away. Love yourself more, get what you want.............a family orientated man that wants to hear the pitter patter of little feet around the house. If you marry this man and he doesn't change his mind you will resent him, and or cheat and get pregnant by the jump off and then ''no children wanting'' husband will divorce you and tell anything with the ability to listen how much of a whore you are, when in actuality all you wanted was to have a family.
HEAR ME GOOD, MOVE ON AND GET WHAT YOU EALLY WANT, DON'T SETTLE!
2006-11-11 04:56:53 · answer #6 · answered by NURSING FOR LIFE!! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he's not wanting children...he's NOT gonna change!! I had two children with a man who NEVER wanted them..we're now..Happily divorced and my older children have suffered because of this! He's a **** father and a controlling *** hole!! Think to yourself...do you want to be happy or always have that demon in the back of this relationship...that pops out EVERY time you mention children?! It starts fights and can cause you to be miserable!! I'd think twice about marrying him...Seriously...he may be Mr. RIght...but for someone who doesn't want kids! Find someone who wants the same things...it may take you awhile..but you're only 21 yrs old!
2006-11-11 04:35:00 · answer #7 · answered by just me 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
well, this isnt much of an answer, more of an opinion,
Okay, why would you marry someone that doesnt have the same views on life as you do?, I can see problems already in your future, choosing a husband isnt just seeing if he has a great job, house, car and a good provider, its SUPPOSE to go deeper than that and if you are in love with someone who doesnt see eye to eye on just simple things like wanting to start a family some day , your relationship is doomed from the start.....if you try and pressure this man it will back fire and you will be very unhappy, never force a man into a corner, just like boxers they will come out fighting!,
Think about your choices, you have many.....good luck
2006-11-11 04:38:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he's already been considering a vasectomy, that's a pretty good sign he's not going to change his mind. Alot of Dr's wont' do the procedure for him though since he's so young and it's hard to reverse in the future.
You should talk with him and tell him how important having children is to you. If he doesn't respect your wishes, I doubt you'll ever be able to talk him into it. Sorry.
2006-11-11 04:33:16 · answer #9 · answered by Stacy 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I don't feel that he will change his mind vasectomies like the female surgergy tubal ligation is very difficult to reverse, also it is highly unlikely that He will change his mind,before getting engaged he should've discussed things more throughly with you, you can't change someone over to you that much you can only change yourself it appears he didn't even think enough of you and your concerns to discuss something as dastrict and permeant as that as it affects the both of you as a couple. it would be better to call off the engagement as there is no meeting of the minds and poor communication skills you are an engagemed couple and he should've discussed this with more before going ahead and doing it on his own as he might do this kind thinking on other things as well without consulting you such as buying a car , house, and jobs. better go and talk to him before you set a date for marriage as something upset him from his childhood and he doesn't seem to trust you enough for something important as that.
2006-11-11 04:40:48 · answer #10 · answered by Mary S 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋