I don't know how to forgive....?

Question

Prior to our marriage, my husband and I had a turbulent relationship. We were constantly breaking-up. It was a constant roller coaster ride. For example, he constantly wanted to be "alone", to by himself for awhile and so we broke up....and when we got back together, he kept on getting calls from this woman. It's obvious he was playing the field. This insane woman kept on calling and he eventually changed his number. He denies ever dating her, but I know he did! While this happened during our break-up which was only 3 weeks to a month, and it's not "technically" cheating....I'm still so angry that he was not forthcoming. I'm angry that he kept on using the excuse that he wanted to be "alone", when in fact he just wanted to date others. This is all in the past.....but I cannot get pass it. Somedays I'm fine, and somedays I'm just so angry with myself for getting back together with him. I feel I have to punish him in some way. I know it's juvenile, but I get sooo angry.

Answer 1

Actually, i think you enjoy punishing yourself. Otherwise you would have never married him in the first place. You knew what he was like when you married him, so all i can say at this point is.......you feathered your bed, now sleep in it

Answer 2

I know what you mean. I went through something similar. It's not really the fact that he may have done anything with someone else, it's more the fact that he's not being truthful with you about it. It would be so much easier to forgive and forget if he were just truthful instead of covering up. And then you start to wonder whether he may cover up other things. It's that feeling of dishonesty and being played for a fool.

I don't really have any advice for you because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I know that anger is not the answer though and punishig him is not the answer for me or for our relationship. I'm thinking of going to see a counsellor - see if that will help because I just don't know how to deal with it either. I wish you the best of luck. Try not to let the anger eat you up inside. I know it's hard but you're just doing more damage to yourself than you are to him.

Answer 3

I know how you feel...the reason it's hard to move on and forgive is because he hasn't came clean and told you the whole truth, so the questions are still in the back of your mind as to what happened when you weren't around. You too need to sit down and get everything out on the table and be reassured it won't happen again and that he married "YOU" and only wants you. you will probably need a sincere answer for this to be in the past. it's hard to move on and forgive when the questions are never truly answered. If you don't know the whole truth, then how can you forgive the whole truth?
good luck!

Answer 4

Hunny, the real question is why on earth did you marry this guy then? did you think it would solve all your problems or something? technically nothing, it sounds as though the guy would constantly find reasons for the two of you to break up just so he could cheat and then come back to you and say it doesn't count cos we were broken up anyway. You say its in the past? irrelevant! you've chosen the wrong husband or at least for the wrong reasons. talk to him properly and explain how you feel, take is reaction as your answer, does he want you to forgive him honestly or just forget about it.

Answer 5

What you're doing is digging a grave to put your marriage to rest in. If you can't let go of that anger, it will kill everything good between the two of you.

You have to find out why you're still so angry with him, and only therapy can do that for you. I think you know, or, at least, suspect by now that it isn't what he did as much as your reaction to it - why can't you forgive? what did that do to YOU? A therapist will be able to help you identify what is really wrong and your relationship will have a chance to heal.

Good luck......

Answer 6

My ex-husband and I attended marriage counseling in an attempt to save our marriage of 20 years after he cheated. One day she asked me a very important question. She wanted to know if I thought I could ever trust him again or would I go through life treating him with suspicion. I realized then and there that if we stayed together I would always be looking for "clues" and doubting him every time he came home late , took a phone call in another room, went out of town etc. We both agreed this would be no way to live. I didn't want to be a jailer and he didn't want to be treated like a criminal. I know very few women who can get past the extreme anger that cheating and/or lying causes.
You have to ask yourself if the relationship can be healthy again. Life is too short to spend it in a stressful marriage. I have been very happily re-married for the last 10 years to a wonderful man who I trust completely. Now,I cannot imagine having stayed with my ex and letting myself be consumed by anger and suspicion. It may be time for you to let go.

Answer 7

Forgiveness is not really the issue right now: you need to get out of this marriage. Your husband is not going to give up his cheating ways. People who cheat are sick and unless they are sincere and get professional help with counseling; they are going to keep repeating the cheating.

I have been through this and stayed with a cheating husband way too long until he tried to kill me one night so he could go live with his mistress.

I am not sure you should forgive him - ever. You are putting your life and your future in jeopardy and this jerk is not worth your agony. Please get over him.

As a psychiatrist told me: "his problems are not your problems and he is bringing you down; you need to get out of the marriage before he hurts you or kills you". The doctor was totally right and I risked my life trying to stay in a marriage that never had a chance because I thought I was in love with a monster.

Answer 8

Okay, if you are angry at him for something he did before your marriage then it should have been resolved BEFORE yiou got married sweetie!! If you have this feeling that you are angry you ever got back with him you shouldn't be married either. What he did in the past is in the past...and believe me, I know how hard it is to forget and move on from your significant others past but you have to. You are married now and he married you because he loves YOU!! Don't dwell on it too much or for too much longer because it could, in turn, ruin your marriage. Fight for here and now, for what you still have. Good Luck!!

Answer 9

I think forgiveness is a matter of the heart. When you can truly let go of the anger they have caused you it will be a Godsend. Don't let the anger consume you. You don't have to physically tell the person you forgive them. You have to be strong and let your anger go so you can move forward, It is very hard when people hurt us and it can consume you and your life for many years and be a thorn in your side! every one makes mistakes and many cannot ever admit to them. So look to your heart and when the time is right, you can forgive. Then put the feelings of anger in a bubble and blow it away... just let it float off into the wind.

Answer 10

before we marry someone, we have to really know the person, we have to look at their track record, we have to be sure we can trust that person, and feel safe with them. sometimes we marry people we never should have. one never forgets a betrayal, it's always going to be in our minds. sometimes it's just easier to get a divorce than go through any more pain. when we marry we have expectations that the man we love will never betray us, and when it happens we become disapointed, and resentful. we can never forget the way it happened, that they chose to be with someone else rather than us, it takes it's toll on our self worth. sometimes we need help getting through it, a trusted friend, a therapist. but it is hard to experience betrayal and feel good about the relationship. unfortunatly we can't go back in time, and undo what's already been done.

Answer 11

Married life got it own sanctity. When you try to punish, the anger inside u will keep growing. I will suggest you a +ve approach. Any girl you ask they will advice u to punish or pray god. Instead love him fully and keep watching his moves without his knowledge. Not openly, but calling him at breakfast,lunch,tea time and dinner time. You will automatically know his movement. Take care of his likes and dislikes. You will find difference in his approach. He will in the run take care of your likes and dislikes. Constant breaking up will grow enmity among yourself without knowingly . Psychic disorders in mind is not good.
Loving him further will bring him in track. Wishing you all the best.