45 yr attractive female. Divorced. Kids grown up and on their own. I dated/lived with a man for 5 yrs. Left due to verbal abuse, fighting, sucking my soul dry. 2 yrs later we are dating again. He's changed(really!) and wants to get married, buy a house, travel, live happily everafter....EVERYTHING I wanted when we were together but he wouldn't commit. Now he says he doesn't ever want to lose me again, emotionally available, basically everything a woman would want.
I am torn between being 45...I should have the husband, house, etc.
I like him but don't love him the way I did before...maybe too much pain. I'm not excited, just okay. I don't laugh or smile much with him..I'm bored.
I could pay off my debts, help my kids(college), get a new car desperately needed, house, etc. Everything I want. Everything soceity thinks I should do. Or I can keep it the way it is and live payck to payck and be alone in my apartment and maybe meet someone new eventually.
Advice/thoughts??
2006-11-11 03:01:51 · 9 answers · asked by ltsha44 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If I marry, divorce will not be an option for me. I will commit for life.
2006-11-11 03:16:08 · update #1
Man, poor guy thinks he can win you back, and you are contemplating a "marriage of convenience". This is a text book perfect example why you only give one person one chance per lifetime.
So your dilemma: to be unhappily single or be unhappily married? Why not just work on being happily single first?
I don't think it demonstrates much integrity on your part that you are contemplating this marriage.
2006-11-11 03:40:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have answered your own question. You don't love him. If you love someone you can forgive and take time to forget and heal the love. But you said straight out you do not love him. You have been married once and have a family. The reality is that 75% of all second marriages fail. Be honest, be happy, do the right thing. Right for you, right for him, right for those that care about you both. If you can be friends then great, but move the relationship in the correct direction of like not love, since you do not love him. Treat him as you would want to be treated. Respect and honesty, even if it hurts and you don't get what you want for the moment, because you are in the moment, but the choice lasts a life time.
In the long run you will both be happier.
2006-11-11 04:07:17 · answer #2 · answered by PinkLady57 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm always a little leery about someone who's "changed." Anyone can change for a little while, but usually they revert to the way they were, especially if they are in the same situation, and as I see it, you two would be in the same situation.
If you're not happy anticipating a marriage to this man, then you certainly will have problems being happy after you're married.
I sure some will say marry, pay things off, and divorce, but I think that's dishonest.
Your emotional health is more important and sense of self worth should be important.
Whatever you choose to do, best of luck.
2006-11-11 03:11:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have serious doubts. Listen to your heart and gut feelings. You love for this man has been tarnished by the verbal abuse and fights, and that is understandable. It takes a lot of time to forgive and move on from that.
What has happened between you affects the way you feel about him now. Do you think you can get past that and start fresh? Real love and affection is just as important as security. Do you think he loves you with all his heart?
You aren't sure if he has really changed or is putting on a show to get you back, and you are right to be hesitant. He is dangling a lot of "security" in front of you, but what about his personality?
I suggest you insist on couples counseling and anger management counseling for him before you commit to anything.
Marriage is for life, as you said, and you don't want to spend you life with disrespect and abuse.
2006-11-11 04:23:47 · answer #4 · answered by draws_with_crayons 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow..
Thats a lot tougher question than I first thought it was.
If you are attractive and not in desperate need of a place to live,
and not living with "him"..
Then I guess I would hold off on the marriage for a while...
The internet makes it a lot easier to find good mates today...
It is possible that in time you could grow to love him again
but it is just as possible that you would never be emotionally satisfied with the relationship...
2006-11-11 04:16:42 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi, I would just like to first say that I am African American and I too see us as brothers and sisters. I think maybe some black people have the impression that Africans think they are better than regular black people (at least thats what ive heard) especially really smart ones. I dont know, its just one of those things... but dont change for anyone and dont label the entire african american community for a few dumb asses. Sometimes self hatred is easier aimed at someone else.
2016-05-22 05:10:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you have to trust your gut feel. If you really feel that he has changed, then go ahead.
If not, then move on with your life as you mentioned.
2006-11-11 03:22:09 · answer #7 · answered by Stareyes 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
if your asking us then you obviously have doubts go with your first instincts.Personally i wouldn't go back changed or not.
2006-11-11 03:06:22 · answer #8 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Only you can make this choice.........go with your heart
2006-11-11 03:06:33 · answer #9 · answered by classy&sassy 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋