Problem with 20 year old daughter?

Question

My daughter moved back in with me in June, after having a hard time with her roomate.She told me she would pay rent and part of the utilities. When she came back home she had a brand new laptop, a month later she decided to buy a $700 diamond ring but she has no money to make her car payments or helping out with the monthly bills in the house. I never saw an effort from her side.

Instead when I approach those issues
she gets really smart with me, gets an attiude, yells at me, tells me that I am a bad mom and reminds me her money issues are not my business. She is convinced that she can say whatever she wants to me, that would be her constitunitional right. She calls that freedom of speech.

She is changing things around the house when I am not there. I feel helpless and used. It seems like she runs over me. I can't even go out, have friends over and dating for me is impossible.
Does anyone has an advice for me?

Answer 1

Tell her to move back out. She may be your daughter, but she is disrespecting you and your agreement. She is taking advantage of you because you are her mother. She is an adult and should act like one. If she were out, she would have to pay rent and needs to pay you rent as agreed. Do not make her car payment for her. She has to learn. She needs to speak to you with respect. If she wants to decorate, she can get her own place. Tell her she has two weeks (or whatever you decide is a proper time limit) to get out. You may be her mother, you are not a doormat. I am 39 years old and I would never treat my parents like that. I pay for my own way. I have paid back my parents what I owed them. My brother doesn't work and shows no effort in getting a job. My Dad has paid his way, no longer. He is old enough. He is probably going to get kicked out of the house because he can't pay the rent. My Dad is not going to let him move in with him. My brother is older than me and old enough to know better. Your daughter is too. Tough love is what it is called. Stay firm and strong. My prayers and hugs are with you. My prayers are with her too in getting herself straightened out.

Answer 2

If you agreed upon a certain amount of rent and a certain portion of the bills then you should enforce it. Also, don't make her car payment for her, don't buy her toiletries and remind her that if she doesn't pay her half then she has 30 days to find a new roommate.

Why can't you go out? She is 20 years old, not 2. Are you afraid she will steal from you? Install a lock on your bedroom door, put you valuables in there and go have fun. As far as her attitude with you, let her know that she is in your home and you expect a certain level of civility from her and that yelling at you is unacceptable. One way to shock her is when she says you are a bad mom, say, "You are right, I am a bad mom bacause a raised and ungrateful, self-centered, freeloading and rude daughter like you." I am not really saying you are a bad mom, please don't take it like that, but I think saying something like that will get her attention about how you are feeling.

And by all means, don't be afraid to date someone, just meet them away from the house until you get her in check. If she doens't get her act together in a couple of months, give her an eviction notice and stick to it.

Whatever you do, don't make her car payments, she needs a reality check, when the finance company is calling and threatening to repo her car, stand your ground and tell her it is her car and you are not paying for it.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Answer 3

There is no excuse for her behavior, don't stand for it. Give her a choice: Pay her share of the bills or find somewhere else to live. She is an adult, she must take responsibility for her life and her decisions. If she spends all of her money on things she wants and doesn't need and then can't pay her bills DO NOT BAIL HER OUT! Let her suffer the consequences, in the long run it will help her become a more responsible person. You may be the "Bad Mom" in her eyes right now but you really are helping her and she will eventually grow up and realize this. I am 21, when I was younger I did not get along very well with my mom because she refused to let me walk all over her, now that I am a little older, more responsible, I have my own family, I completely understand why she did it and I respect her. We are very close now, I look at my mom as one of my best friends. You have to live your life and enjoy your life, so don't let your daughter walk all over you, help her grow up and become a responsible adult.

Answer 4

I was having the same problems with my 20 year old step-son, until I handed him eviction papers. You need to put your foot down and tell that ingrate how it really is. Let her know that rent is due, (and yes, even though you are my daughter, you WILL pay rent, ON TIME) by the 5th of the month in the amount of $(pick a number that is fair to both of you).

She wants to say whatever she wants? Says it's her constitutional right? B.S. You will show me the proper respect I'm due as a parent, or you will be put out of the house. Tell her to hire a lawyer if she thinks her rights are being so grievously violated.

She's changing things around the house without your permission? Let her know that you're open to discussion on changing things, but the ultimate decision will be made by YOU, the HOMEOWNER. Change things without my permission, and you'll be sent packing.

Don't feel helpless. Exercise YOUR rights. The ones your daughter is trampling.

With the attitude you're describing, sounds like your daughter may be on drugs. Let her know that you love her, but there are certain rules that will be put in place, that are not open to discussion. Since she has left the house and now come back, she has come to realize that things are pretty nice at home. Don't let her make you miserable. Tell her what your expectations are, and that if she finds them unacceptable, she is free to leave.

Answer 5

Well mom, she is right, she's an adult now and how she handles money is completely up to her. Too bad you didn't teach her more about handling money when she was 7.

Now, you need to give her 24 hrs. to move out.

Tell her that if she wants to stay, she will have to agree to the following. (with a written contract/rental agreement)

1. All money she makes will be signed directly over to you. The check is not cashed, its endorsed and handed to you. You and her then, as a team will develop a budget, pay the things that need to be payed (including rent, food, and utilities) and what ever is left over will be her spending money. (good idea to cut up the credit cards and cancel the accounts as well)

2. She is renting her room. She can do with it as she wishes as long as it does not affect the house. She is not to move the furniture, or even watch TV outside her room. You can decide what kind of meal privileges to give her... if any at all. She may have friends over as long as they stay in her room and noise levels do not disturb the household.

3. This is a 6 month rental agreement. At the end of 6 months your daughter must have her own place.

4. Breaking the contract will result in a 24hr notice to vacate the premises.

This is called being a good mom. Yes you have been a bad mom for the last 20 years if you have let your daughter get to this. However now you will have 6 months to get her on the right track.

I would suggest some reading as well:

"The Total Money Makeover" By Dave Ramsey. He will help you get your finances in order, teach you how to prepare a budget AND help teach your child how to be responsible with money.

"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. I have not read this book, but have heard it recommended many times to people in your situation. It will help you set boundaries that both you and your daughter can live with.

Answer 6

She's right that it's not really your business what she does with her money except for she needs to pay you rent. Also, I hope you didn't cosign her car loan. If you did then you need to get her to refinance it on her own pronto. If she can't find a way to refinance it on her own then if she gets far enough behind that they are talking reposession then sell the car yourself, pay the loan back, and let your daughter figure out the rest. Then never cosign anything again. All of this is only if your name is on it. If it's not then let her do what she wants about the car payment. You can make other rules, too, about what is tolerable for you in your house so that you can have a life. Evict her if she doesn't follow them. Don't yell, threaten, or guilt-trip. Just tell her if she doesn't follow the rules she'll have to leave. Then stick to it. Act more like a landlord and less like a mother in this (ie emotionless, legal, etc)

Also try to find ways you can interact with her positively. Do fun things together and try to build your relationship.

Answer 7

If she is living under your roof, then her money issues are your business, especially if she said she would help pay things. So since you all made that deal, you need to stick with it. Im not for kicking your daughter out, but if she is going to keep it up then you need to tell her to move back out. She is being very disrespectful to you and I dont care what age she is, that is wrong. Just say, either you pay me the money for the rent, and bills, and some food, or you need to go. If she is buying diamond rings instead of paying for her car, then she needs to learn that hard way that that is not how the world works.

Answer 8

OK she's 20 and she living in your house it is your business.If she doesn't want to get her act together then she needs to leave.Make her understand that it is no longer your responsibility to take care of her that ended 2 years ago.But let her know that you love her and will always worry about her but she need to stand on her own 2 feet.I'm 24 and just moved home with my 5year old and if I ever disrespected my parents the way your daughter is disrespecting you I'd be out on my ***.My parents know what I'm spending my money on and where and who I'm with 24/7 and yes it gets hard but that's the price you pay for moving back home.Basically its your house your rules and if she doesn't like it tell her to leave.But stand firm on this cause if you don't she walk all over you. And also if she talks back and screams and yells at you one more time walk over to the front door,open it up and tell her to leave until she can grow up and learn to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Answer 9

She's old enough to know that she lives under your roof, it's your rules! Tell her she has to pay rent by a certain day and if not in by that day assess late charges. Tell her you don't appreciate her moving things around. If she doesn't live up to this agreement, she needs to move out and grow-up. She thinks she can get away with all this because she is at home now. But it's your house, make some rules.

Answer 10

Yep. Tell her she's moving out December 31st. She has until then to get her junk in order and figure out her bills. You invited her into the house as an adult, but she's not acting like an adult. She is a grown woman that should be paying her own way. So you are going to help her get back on her feet by no longer inabling her (letting her mooch off you). So you hope she gets it figured out and you wish her the best. If her stuff isn't out on the 31st, it will be on the lawn at 9:00 PM that evening.
And hide your valuables. I know it sounds silly, but do it. No point in her getting petty and taking things or trashing stuff in a childish tantrum. Don't know if she's the type, but figured I'd suggest it anyways.