Should I contact my Ex -Wife after 26 years ????

Question

We seperated in 1979, she left me with my son, 3 years old at the time, and has never seen so much as a picture of him since then. I have recently had a weird experience and seem to think it would be a good thing to clear up the ghosts from the past.

I know where she works, her husbands name and more yet, still want to know why we split. I could have understood it if she had left me for someone else but that was'nt the case, her parents never asked or told her to she my son but 1 part of me will always belong to her, even though I have been with my present partner for the last 24 years, and I know I still love her, why god only knows, but dont want to hurt the woman I am with or my other children.

I feel I want to clear up the past and maybe get back at least the freindship we had.
Advice from anybody else whos had the same problem would help!

I should have clarified 1 point, she left me with my son, I brought him up and he now has his own child.

Should I let her know she is a grandmother?

Answer 1

My only worry is that after all these years, would it be a good idea to drag up feelings from the past? She's moved on but it sounds like you haven't and the fat that you have a child makes it even more complex.

I would tread very carefully because the child may not even know of your existence. I wouldn't go there if I were you, you may not get the repsonse you were hoping for and I dont think her new husband would appreciate the upset either.
At the end of the day, she didn't want the relationship anymore and I wouldn't want to know after all these years the reasons behind it ending the way it did. I don't think you've thought carefully enough about the implications of what you are intending on doing.

Leave well alone, it will cause upset and resentment and lack of understanding. People split up for a reason get on with your life you've done pretty well for yourself so far.

Answer 2

I have not had the exact same problem, but being the opinionated being I am I am going to chime in on this one.
You are looking for closure so that you can feel better about what happened. I understand that and it is completely natural. However, your ex left for a reason, whatever that reason was she chose not to share it with you, her family chose not to share it with you, she left her child. For a woman to leave her child would require something really traumatic it is not done lightly.
You are with a new partner and have 24 years of good times with them. If you choose to contact your ex, you risk hurting your son, and hurting your partner who believes you are in love with only them as well as yourself and your ex.
You have to decide is finding out the why, which will not change anything really, is worth hurting your son and your partner. My answer is an emphatic no. I've been in a situation that could be considered similar, and believe me, the results were not worth it.

Answer 3

Paul this has got to be one of the most heart wrenching questions i have ever read this is going to sound crazy but do you not think you could involve telling your current partner how you are feeling (not mentioning your feelings for the ex that have not died down) tell her your son may need to come to terms with his mother abandoning him for he too now is a father your notions of your "first love" are not real that was when you were a young man and she a youth full woman your both no doubt in your fifty's now tread very carefully Paul i wish i could take a way your hurt but i cant so think very wisely about a lot of people that may get hurt your eldest son to his younger siblings


good luck Paul xx
you sound like you have done a commendable job of raising him firstly alone and then with your current partner

Answer 4

I know you are probably going to get the typical "leave the past alone" responses but this is what I have to say:

It seems that what you're really after is some closure. I can't tell you if this is a good or a bad idea because you're going to do what you want to do anyway so it really doesn't matter. However, if you decide to go through with it anyway, just keep in mind that you shoudn't expect anything in return. And as long as you can keep the situation in perspective and not attempt to interfere with your ex wife's life, I don't see anything wrong with getting a closure, even if it's only for curiosity and nothing more.

Answer 5

Sometimes clearing up ghosts from the past doesn't mean contacting them, but laying them to rest. There is absolutely nothing to gain from contacting your ex-wife except for heartache for everyone. Leaving your child with an ex is hard enough and speaks volumes on how you feel about them. Is it maybe you just can't let go to the question of why she did it. Only you know how your current partner and son will feel if you re-establish contact, but you risk losing them all. Sometimes some things are not to be and if you were still with your ex-wife, you wouldn't be with your current one.

Answer 6

the process of knowing why would be streesful on both partners, any disclosure may hit upon area's so sensitive and hurtful, that its best to sometimes just let it alone for your own sanity. to find out the betrayer's motivation in all this is sometimes not possibble. happens because of opportunities and timing, if she never contacted her son and that in itself is pretty cold, why would u want to meet up with this person again? and put yourself through more heartache. think of your wife, and your son and how he would feel about it. just save yourself the heartache and don't go there, finding reasons and closure may not be possibble, too much time has past and u both have different lives, and to try and go back now and figure it all out may bring feelings u have long buried back out. she didn't want u or her son just let it lie where it is.

Answer 7

She deserted you and your son. Can't you consider she isn't worth a flip? Why open yourself up to God knows what?
Tell the bloody ghosts to go back to whereever they came from. Besides, if your son has one ounce of sense, he will want nothing to do with her! I wouldn't if my mum had buggered and left me as a nearly helpless infant.
Goes to show, a woman can bear a child, but that does not make her a Mum.
If you want closure, write her a letter, say anything you want, then burn it and bury the ashes. Any time you feel like you want to contact her, go out to the grave and remember, "the past is the past. It is dead a buried, and can not be revivied." Besides, your son is the most important thing about this, unless you haven't been l@id in 29 years... have you asked his opinion?

Answer 8

why was the contact stopped between you and your son? ask yourself that.also you both have moved on and got other partners and children too i understand that you will have missed your son over all the years but again why did the contact stop you could have still seen your son as he was growing up . just imagine the trauma this may cause to both sides of the family 's and as for getting back the friendship with your ex you may end up friends or may not .why dont you talk to your partner about it and be open with her for starters then if you proceed to do what you wish to do you have your partner will be right behind you .... good luck

Answer 9

Oh, you are dancing on thin ice territory.
You made some very good points. I think the first thing you want to do is tell your present wife what you are experiencing. It is important that you are open with her and get her feedback. If she loves you and she senses that this is important to you she will support you in whatever decision you make. But be careful because you may be opening a pandora's box of wounds. Will doing so be an act of courage or stupidity-that is what only you in your soul can know. Good Luck!

Answer 10

after 26yrs let sleeping dogs lie. You have gone on with your life for this long don't interrupt it now. It apparently wasn't as big a deal for you to know the answer to your questions all these years, cause if it was you would have hunted her down long before now to find out the answers. Let the past be the past and live in the present, don't take chances on messing things up for something that happened so long ago. GL