Am I wrong to be mad?

Question

My husband and I have 5 children between us, 3 his, 1 mine, and 1 together. The oldest of his is 15, lives with mom by choice. The other 2 are 12 and 4, mine is 11 and ours is 9 months. Things have gone pretty smooth for 2 years that we have been married. Since the 12 yr old started 7th grade she has been a total a**. Okay hormones, I know. But my issue is last night we had a big family meeting about the half a***d job the girls (his and mine) were doing on their chores. My daughter took her punishment and his blew up and told me how much she disliked me and how she hated her life and we could all die for all she cared. Most of the hate was directed toward me. For 2 years she and I had a good relationship, but since she started 7th grade it has deteriorated. My problem is that tonight he came home late after golfing and was supposed to be home early to tend to his daughter and let her know her consequences. Am I wrong to be mad, he works 60 hours a week to support us.

Answer 1

Hormones, for sure, you got that one right. But rudeness is not an option. And you and he are still the parents, not her. She can have her snit fit somewhere else....like outside or in the park.... In the future, write down the chores that are supposed to be done, along with a due dates, and consequences should they not be done, as an Assignment sheet, and tack it to the inside of her bedroom door. Give her the 'IF... Then" contract on all of them. "If the bathroom is not clean by-----, THEN you loose-------"and stick to it. You and your husband agree on the assignment sheet, and each kid is presented one every week, or every month, or however you wish to work it.... Works like a charm, unless you do not follow thru. They hate it, they just hate it because it is all written down, and they cannot say they misunderstood. You can certainly give reward, too, for jobs particularly well done. Kids sometimes forget a family is a team... This works well to adjust their attitude....Just one weekend in her room, no phone, no Ipod, no tv no nothing, and believe me, you won't have another big problem again. Kids going thru the hormone thing need to have it written down. And you two need something to show her as well as your other children, that this is what is expected, not only of her, but from each of your children. Never lower yourself to scream at her---- you'd really like to smack her $hitty little face---but then she wins. So, instead you say, "Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. Nevertheless, the bathroom is still dirty, and it still needs to be cleaned if you intend to go to Martha's party on Saturday afternoon....." Use the same into "broken record" "Gee, I'm so sorry you didn't get that done. Your time in your bedroom begins now, and we'll see you at 6:00 tonight at the dinner table for supper...." "Oh, isn't this a shame. You are 30 minutes late from the time you promised here on this paper that you would be home. You will notice that you have forfeited your television time for tonight."

Get the idea?

Helpful????

Answer 2

You're not "wrong" to be mad, as you have every right to your feelings. I remember how it was being a teenager...the drama, the emotional "pain"...I hated my biological mother, too...so it's not just you. It doesn't have too much to do with you being the "step" parent. I think I hated just about everyone back then. LOL. I would not trade those years for ANYTHING. While that doesn't excuse her behavior, it is an explanation for the deterioration in your relationship with her and why she is emotionally over-the-top. Counseling may or may not help with her. When I was her age my Mother thought I needed counseling, too, but it ended up that I just needed someone to talk to... Your husband works a lot of hours to support the family and needs to have time to relieve stress, out doing something with friends, now and again. This ended up being a bad night for that, but when you have kids, that's bound to happen. It doesn't necessarily mean you drop what you're doing and head home to deal with a hormonal teenage daughter. He can deal with her in the morning. You are hurt by her words and may possibly be taking it out on him a little because he's not there when you need him. Tomorrow will come in due time, and everyone will have had a night to sleep on it. Your step-daughter may even feel bad for what transpired. A night's rest might do everyone some good.

Answer 3

I think you are hurt more than anything else. And yes you should be, but dont let a child ruffle your feathers like that. The two of you should just sit her down, the two of you, and reinforce that you mean business and her little outbursts will no longer be tolerated and will cost her. She can run to her mommy if she wants to but it would be good to let her know(your hubby) what she is doing too so she can be on board with you all too as regards dicipline. You're partners and dont' have to worry about feeling a bit scared when dealing with his. Maybe a little one on one time with the 7thgrader after all is said and done may help to smooth the track a bit. Best wishes and kudos for the integrated family, kudos.
r

Answer 4

I can see you being a bit annoyed, but 'mad' may be overdoing it...he isn't going to see the issue with his daughter the same way you do...keep being loving toward her, and treat her fairly and equally...most kids go through an "I hate my parents" stage whether it's bio parents or step parents...

TRY not to take her reaction too personally...and try not to be too upset that he came home late instead of doling out consequences when he was supposed to...

It's tough raising kids...and it's tough BEING a kid...maybe you and she should have a "girls day out" soon (or something similar) and you maybe can get some insight on her change in behavior and talk to her about how she's feeling and why...

It's worth a shot...

Answer 5

I understand your frustration. And his. He is in the middle.
If he is truly working sixty hours, that might be why she is grouchy at you. You spend too much time together. Or she is really mad at her dad for being gone all the time. Do you think the l2 yr. old daughter will want to move in with her Mom? Why didn't she stay with her Mom in the first place? Odd? But your husband does need to talk to her but he also needs a golf break?
Maybe she misses her Mom...and maybe your ll yr. old is just too perfect in her eyes. Who knows? Get the school counselor to call her in and chat about life in general. Don't let the girl know you called the counselor. I have done this. Get the counselor to think of another reason for calling her in....something boggus. Then the counselor can dig for info on her feelings.....this may help. It helped my daughter. And its free at the school. Just call.

Answer 6

I see a couple of problems here, both solvable.
1. Although the 12 year old was not a problem for 2 years, it's not unusual, as you know, to see some defiant behavior as she approaches this age. What's being revealed now are suppressed resentments that have never been expressed or dealt with. You would do well to take a Saturday off and spend it with her from time to time. She needs some bonding time. It will definitely pay off.

2. Your husband needs some time for himself. Yet, he needs to address unsettled problems. Without attacking him, remind him that you need his support with this matter.

I think you'll both be able to mend this quickly.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Even though your husband works 60 hours a week that doesn't mean he can neglect his duties as a dad. If he doesn't discipline her she will feel as if she can walk all over you because 'you are not her mom'. Your husband should have taken care of that situation. She cannot keep disrespecting you in your house, and she does need to pull her own weight by doing her chores correctly. Twelve year olds don't have a say in that.

Answer 8

No you are bot wrong to be mad. You guys have a big family. To handle it all you both need to be in sync when it comes to the children, ecspecially when it is not your kid that you are trying to dsicipline. It was very rude of the girl to taslk to you that way and you have every reason to be mad. Your husband needs to back you up when it comes to disciplining her because you guys are supposed to be in this together. When you needed him he wasn't there. Yes you have the right to be mad. But you also need to take in consideration that he is always working so you cant blame him for golfing. You and his daughter need to have a talk, because I think something may be bothering her at school. I know for a fact jr high is very different and can be very difficult to adjust to

Answer 9

He needs to get off the golf course and into the action at home. Let him know you will not be responsible for the raising of his children alone. You will be there to help with his as far as your station allows, but there are things he has to deal with himself. Discipline is one of them.These situations are always difficult. She is just now starting to get into the hormonal stage, and it will get worse before it gets better. Just remember, you are not her parent, your husband is.
Let him deal with punishments and discipline. You are just spinning your wheels to try and do it. She has no intention of letting "that woman dad is married to" tell her what to do. I know it stinks and you probably want to throttle her, but it is imperative you stay neutral with her. It isn't fair to you or her. Have him leave her instructions in the morning and you monitor her. Nothing more. Give a report when he gets home at night and leave the discipline to him. When she snaps out of hormonal teenage insanity at around 17 or 18, maybe you two will be able to have a better relationship. I hate to be so down about it, but I have lived through it myself. There is no winning here, only surviving it. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

I am a stepmother of 4 kids and I know the struggles you are going through. Try to take it in stride, teenagers all act differently whether they are your biological child or not.

In respect to your husband, he does work hard and I'm sure he deserves some time to himself. It is important, however, that he supports you in all aspects of your children's lives. That includes the unpleasant task of discipline. Talk with your husband and let him know why your are frustrated and upset. It's about respect for not only you, but his daughters as well.

Good luck to you!