Contemplating ..Your Input Would Seriously Be Appreciated ???

Question

Okay here's the story, my husband makes twice as much money as I do, he pays all of the bills, the only thing I am responsible for is my car note , insurance and groceries. I am contemplating a legal separation for the following reasons (keep in mind we have discussed these issues over and over with no resolution):
- He continues to make independent decisions (like buying a 30 yr old car for $700 against my wishes and without having a mechanic look at it) but when things go wrong, it becomes "our" problem

- He plays sexual power trips, (only wants it when he wants it)

- When I don't give in to his way especially when it comes to
transportation (he procrastinates and refuses to get his car repaired, he wants to drive my car (its new- I also purchased before we got back together -premarriage) He'll say things like, "Well since I don't have a way to get to work, I'll just quit my job", After he pays bills he has a few hundred dollars left, and spend all. I feel I can do better.

He is also sexually close minded..and when I make suggestions, he'll say I am not like you I didn't start having sex at 2 (sarcasm), . This man also thinks that people don't make love for hours, he watches porn and when I ask to watch with him, he'll act embarrassed like a 13 yr old. We are 30 yrs old !! We have been only married 9 months.

I am new at this (Yahoo Answers) so this is the only way I see how to reply so far, I appreciate everyone's candor. I never married for money, when he moved to GA he didn't have a job and I supported him, the money came well after. I have spoken to him in great detail about all of the aforementioned issues, only for him to agree with me and he agrees with changing and it's okay for a couple days then it goes back to the usual. Regarding the sex, I am no longer physically attracted to him, nor do I attempt to inititate sex with him, when I have agreed in the past sex is unenjoyable. Usually when he initiates, (and its rare) I reject him. I have told him the fact that we continue to argue about the same issues is a key indicator that nothing is going to change...ever. I did/do love him and like him. I just think he sucks as a husband. Lately, he has told me that I act as if he isn't here, which is true I have tried to reduce arguing and co exist by letting things take their cours

By the way, we have no kids.

I told him I did not want any with him (I do want to have some eventually )because I felt he is irresponsible.

Answer 1

If you ~feel~ like you can do better, then more than likely, you probably can. However, since you are both in a committed marital relationship, perhaps you should consider some type of marriage counseling before calling it's splitsville and roping in the lawyers. His actions do seem selfish and immature, as well as irresponsible, but obviously he feels comfortable with his behavior because you have yet to put your foot firmly down and say, "No...ask me before you make costly decisions. Get my input. My opinion matters, too." Approach him about the possibility of couseling in a calm and collective manner, explaining in detail why you feel the both of you may benefit from outside guidance. If he flat out refuses, and continues his destructive behavior, and it has truly become intolerable for you, ~then~ it is time to call an attorney and proceed with legal separation. Good luck.

Answer 2

"I feel I can do better"

Yes, you can. And, you probably deserve better. But, do you really want to?

You don't say if there are kids, but it sounds like there aren't. You start off your statement with a financial assessment, make a summary statement about sex as a power trip (he's winning, it would seem), and then you go back to another financial dilemma involving transportation and more power problems (passive aggession).

This whole thing sounds like two very shallow people battling it out over territory and influence.

I think you are perfectly matched for each other and I would even venture that you kind of enjoy the head games and the challenge that it brings.

Find another? Find one better? Sure. But, you're going to be attracted to the same type of person and it will start all over again.

You have to make some major changes in your world view. If you do split up (inevitable), be sure you get some really good counseling before you hook up with another loser. You've got a lot of work to do.

Answer 3

Ovbiously you two did not do any negotiating with things like finances, jobs, who pays what, and when prior to your marriage. If you wish to save it, you might try a few session of family therapy. From your little note, here, you have lots of issues, not the least of which might be, "why did you marry?" "What was it about each other that you even liked?"

Not always, but most of the time people in their 30's do have some negotiating skills.... apparently neither of you two do, and that's where a counselor can help.... one can teach you how to present things that bother you in ways that do not make your partner pull back and become offended. Good luck, sweetie.... you guys do indeed have lots to figure out, and agree upon...---finances, sex, ego trips and self-centeredness... These are big issues, and they can sink your affections if not resolved to the satisfaction of you both.....

Answer 4

You both should seek marriage counselling it is the only logical thing to do if you are considering a separation because of money
and car use then did you ever love this guy. Secondly get the porn out of the house it ruins more marriages then helping them he seems to have a problem this is your house too and he should start respecting you he sounds like a controlling child having tantrums lastly that is your body you are not a piece of meat until he starts to respect you and your needs tell him your body is off limits. If he cheats on you then say good bye and be thankful you have seen his true colors early on.

Answer 5

If there are no children involved, even if he's not the father, I would leave. Forget counseling. It doesn't help much and it can be expensive. Also, if he really doesn't want to get counseling, it will do NO good. I understand that its not thet money its the principal. He sounds like kind of a jerk. I'd get out before it's too late. good Luck. Don't be like me, stuck in a 20 year marriage that sucks big time.

Answer 6

you should have gotten these issues discussed when you first got married and now you are in a pickle. Well it sounds like he wont talk so marriage counseling is out of the question. About the car deal he bought he should deal with it. You should be strong enough to tell him that. stand up for yourself and if nothing is working for you ,you should get a divorce. good luck and god bless and happy thanksgiving.

Answer 7

BOTH of you sit down with a marriage counse-
lor and explain to the counselor what you told
us, in front of him, ur marriage is young but it
is better to resolve ur problems now so that
u will not be as you are presently for many more
years to come. If he does not change well then
u should know what the next step is.

Answer 8

First of all you should not be married to a man because he makes twice as much money as you. Most of the issues that you have, I would not want to live with, but you should of known some of these issues before you married. If it was me I would divorce him as fast as I could. Good luck.

Answer 9

i would try marriage counseling before you make the decision to leave. you husband has some serious selfishness going on and seems to think that he is the only one in the family. however, if you really want to, leave. i wouldn't want to stay with a man like that.

Answer 10

sometimes its hard to figure a man out. especially when they are stuck on their own habbits. (we) being married to them is hard to change them because they knowly they are the head and we (a wife) is to submit. opening up without holding anything back to communicate should help, this will let your feelings out about what you think of things (sujestions) love will make a person listen and understand.