How do you rebuild trust after a one night stand?

Question

After Five years and a child together, I had an affair. Where as we are still together a year later, there is still no trust. How can we regain that?

why did I cheat? New state, lost our way, both of us hit a heavy depression, I needed him and he needed to be depressed. We lost communication and all hope.

Answer 1

That's difficult. Just try to treat your partner like gold. Make your partner feel they can trust you again. Never tell even a white lie and your trust will be back. Try to always keep an open line of communication. let your partner feel they can talk with you about any concern they have. Good luck.

Answer 2

That's tough. Infidelity is the absolute ultimate betrayal. Sharing your body and soul with someone besides your spouse usually leaves the partner hurt beyond your wildest dreams, confused, and angry. Marriages are made of Respect, Admiration Passion and Trust. When the trust is gone, the rest of it usually crumbles......Those couples who work thru it find it usually takes at least two years even with a counsellor. And many couples find the betrayal too great to over come, and the marriage over that time just disintegrates. I don't know what you can do. The second I found out our marriage was crowded, I dropped my jaw, and about vomited in his face. I wouldn't even consider the guy touching me again, and I literally ran away....everything was sold, I left the state. That ended an 18 year marriage. He was the love of my life, and it blew up right in front of me..... Don't know, sweetie, everyone is different. You asked......

Answer 3

How can we regain that, trust? you need help with trust with your husband? you need to read your question, he is the only one here that has lost his trust here and with you. as you will learn everything can be overcomed when you have two people in love that are turly wanting the relationship to work. don't be mad for the words I am going to tell to you but it needs to be said.

Okay, it is like this. When a spouse cheats on you, it kills things inside of you. Trust, confidence, security, self respect, hope, joy and sometimes love. These are a lot of things to get back in a year. Think about how long it took you to build that stuff up in the beginning.

When someone cheats on you it is like experiencing the death of a loved one. The person you used to know, the one who would never step on you or devastate you in any way suddenly does and you have to live with it. It is like an emotional atomic bomb. When an atomic bomb is set off, it takes a lot of time and serious care to repair the damage. The same for trust, love, and respect that has been shattered. It takes lots of time to recover from that.

You are the one to blame here. He isn’t. You are the one who went outside of the marriage. You are the one who lied (because to pull something like that off, there are always a lot of lies) and cheated. He stayed faithful, even when you guys were going through problems. What gives you the right to share the body that belongs to him with someone else? That sharing is sacred. You gave away things that should have only gone to Him. That special smile you have when you are doing the wooing, those kisses, those touches...those are his. You gave it to someone who has not been there for you the way he has. That is just wrong.

You were the one who cheated; you are the one who needs to make it right. No matter how long it takes. You should not be the one to get angry. This is the bed you made and this is the bed you have to lie in if you want to get the marriage back on track. You cannot tell him when or how to get over the atomic bomb you set loose in his life. It does not matter that you only did it once; it is the fact that you did it. Period.

It is hard not to be suspicious of someone who stabs you in the back with a 12 inch hunting knife and that is what you did. If you had really picked up a knife and stabbed him with it, you or others would not tell him to just get over it. Well that is what you did to him figuratively. It is easier to place the blame on the innocent party when you have wronged someone. It stops you from having to look at yourself. It stops you from having to take responsibility. That is what you are doing.

You should be apologizing every day, even after he tells you to stop, you still should apologize until you knows he get how sorry you are. Until he knows that you really understand the devastation you have caused. You should be living your life like an open book. You should allow him to go through your e-mails and personal items if that is what it takes to prove to him that you are being faithful. You should tell him where you are going and be there if he calls. Whatever it takes as long as it takes to make up for what you did. You should be spending the rest of your life making him feel like he can always trust you. This is what you caused, not him. You were the one that went outside the marriage, not him. You are the one who needs to do the making up.

Answer 4

You cannot do this..he/she must do that part of it. IF your other half is bent on punishing you forever more, there is little or no hope that things will change. Put it on the table..."GET OVER IT! IT HAPPENED, IT CANNOT BE UNDONE." And you! You do not need to spend the rest of your life atoning for having cheated. Your other half either says "OK, what happened, is it going to happen again? Ok, I forgive you and let's move on." OR, they play the "you owe me a life forever more because you have hurt me" game.! Personally, after a year, neither of you have moved on! That is a wasted year in my book. Do you plan on wasting another year, how about two...then how about 10? whether you are male of female matters not one whit. Your mate can choose to forgive and forget, period...OR LEAVE NOW! I would NEVER spend my life hoping for some kind of forgiveness that never comes...it is time to move on and trust fully, period. IF you cannot have that, then you will have nothing. To those who say, "I will never trust again," I say...I feel very sorry for you, you are doomed to a life of suspicion and misery. No one can account for every second of their life, nor should the be expected to do so. That would be a cage I refused to be put into. I have been cheated on big time in my life. I had to make the decision right then and there....will I spend my life in misery because of this or go on. I didn't say I went on as if nothing happened, for it had...but I refused to worry about where they were every minute of the day. That was their business, not mine, and I refused to be prey to the mess, for that is exactly what the distruster becomes....prey to misery. I expected to be treated nicely for a while, then expected things to get back to normal...and that is exactly what happened...I never brought it up again, and things were just fine. Did anything get damaged along the way..yes! Stupid juvinile love got damaged, but was replaced with grown up values, ... a very good trade off to me. I was no longer blind to idealism...very foolish in deed. NO ONE sets out to hurt anyone, it just happens along the way for stupid, foolish reasons that don't count in the morning, and they certainly don't count a whit when I am sleeping alone. You need to remind your other half that you are a person, not a statue on a mantle. IF he/she cannot get through this, then, sorry to say, YOU have to move on. One way or another , something has to give immediatley. I really feel very sorry for those above who are so inflexible that they cannot forgive...very sad. Stepping out in a relationship is not a good idea, but it happens. Those who think it is the greatest sin committed are in for some very nasty surprises in life. Good luck

Answer 5

I don't know that trust can be regained. I would never trust my boyfriend if he cheated on me, i would have to break up with him, and he would WANT to break up with me because i would turn into a jealous monster, ALWAYS thinking he is looking for someone else, or fooling around. Try going to couples therapy if you really want to save this relationship.

Answer 6

why'd you cheat? i wouldn't be able to trust, either. it's very hard for your partner to regain trust after a thing like that. it takes time, if you still want to stay together. just don't do it for the kid. kids can sense tension, etc. in the house. there's no set solution for remedying trust.

Answer 7

you want ever regain his trust.why should you.you proved your self untrustworthy. you might stay together for 50 years but he will think about it for 50 years.some times there just is nothing you can do to make it go way. this is one of them things. live with what did the best you can. i have always told my daughters once a cheater always a cheater.i think this goes for women too. cheating on you husband or wife is not a mistake its a lack of morals..........if you want to help your husband out of his depression ------- another man might not be the way to do it....................

Answer 8

You have to be completely open about everything - about any questions he may ahve about the affair, about your whereabouts etc. Whatever he thinks it will take.


Pick Up the Pieces if or when:

a partner shows remorse and empathy for your devastation.

a partner takes responsibility for understanding their vulnerabilities.

a partner is willing to discuss the betrayals openly and honestly.

the unfaithful behavior has stopped.

Answer 9

ok give it more time but also can you remeber what made her fall for you and your first date well do that unless it was a disaster and if it was go and make a romatinic dinner for you to and play the song that you guys first kissed to and say sorry tell her that you would do anything for her forgiveness and if she cant forgive you im she is not worth your time

Answer 10

trust is earned only time will help.