I am really trying to stay in my marriage...?

Question

I've really pretended for the past few years because we have two beautiful children. They never even see us fuss and would be devasted if we split up. I would not be able to handle it if they resented me. I am so unhappy and have been for years. there is noone else in my life -I'm sure not too many guys would want a 37 y/o w/ 2kids- but I just have so much anxiety, can't sleep, worry all the time. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I've really tried. He's a great dad, but hasn't always been a great spouse. He's better now, but can you ever fall back in love? I've prayed about this and have really been struggling. I don't want to hurt anyone,but I guess I'll have to remain to keep my kids happy. Is anyone else in a similar situation?

We have been married 15 years.

Answer 1

Well, I am going to assume that you are a religious person due to the fact that you said you had been praying. I have been there, but luckily in my situation he was unfaithful so it was a little different. Biblically speaking you aren't supposed to abandon a marriage unless one of you have been unfaithful. If that is the case I would leave and find someone else when the time is right. If neither of you have been unfaithful, give it a million and one chances. I do believe you could fall back in love but it would take both of trying to rekindle your love. As for your anxiety, I had an anxiety condition (still do a little) when I was in my first marriage, when we split anxiety went with it for the most part. I will say this it is a very hard thing to divorce when you have children, because there is always bitterness at some point, maybe not right away but wait until holidays and you all cant decide on visitation. I have three kids and do not regret the divorce but it is very difficult four years later. Always remember that God does hear your prayers although they may not be answered in the way that we would always like. Good luck.

Answer 2

1) at 37, you are still a child yourself...don't EVER second guess what others want from life or as a mate....very silly on your part. You are the same person who got married only a few years ago if I am guessing right (15 years is NOT that much time). So if you are staying because you don't want to be lonely, that is NOT a good reason to stay married!
2). Your children are just that ...CHILDREN. They do NOT control your life, you control theirs. !! So stop with the excuses, please!
3) You admit that HE is treating you better. I strongly suggest seeing a pro about your marriage...this is NOT uncommon at year 15..you see your life passing before you, nothing happening that is exciting, and nothing to look forward to. You are in the same boat as most people are. There is comfort in numbers. And the number is very high!
4) You need to have this conversation with your husband, not us. There is NO WAY we can advise you. But know that YES, you can fall back in love with someone...more easily than with a new person. You already know this one's pluses and minuses. New always brings unpleasant surprises. I think you need to apprise your husband of the situation...better to hurt him a little in hopes of saving this mess rather than keeping this to yourself and it all falling apart in another few years. HE may feel the very same! You have no idea. In fact, he may be asking the same questions here or somewhere else. Why not face the situation and get it on the table.??? Why would that be so hard? After all, you are supposed to have open communications..and you two do not! You might be amazed at what you will learn from eachother if you start talking about REAL life between you two, not the supposed fairy tale you are trying to live in. It could well be that you will both die laughing of relief when and if you find you are in the same boat. At that point, real things can be done to renew the relationship, fix what is wrong, and get back on track towards happiness. It may be just a step away and you have forgotten, perhaps he has also.
I do wish you the very best luck in whatever you find, but again, he should be informed of your feelings IF anything constructive is going to happen.

Answer 3

it's an illusion. You smile and pretend to be content, happily in love with a man that you are not. Friends come over and they don't see you're unhappy. You are good at fooling the world. Even your husband has no ideal, he believes you are as content as he is. You wonder when you see your husband playing with the kids if you are being selfish. How could you do this to your children? How can you turn their world upside down just because you are unhappy when everyone believes you are. You could go on pretending to be happy for the sake of your children and your marriage. You worry about what would happen after the divorce if you choose it. You are scared of the unknown. Here you are comfortable with. You know what to expect. You know what the boundaries are, what lines can be crossed and what ones can't. You are nto upset with the life, after all the basis are meet. With the unknown you know there are hardships, many of them. It looks like a Mt. Everest. You look up at the troubles that can be caused by seeking a divorce. It's not just your life, it's theirs as well. You lay awake in bed, tossing and turning over the battles that are within you. You want to let them out, maybe you have only to have someone it'll come back. You don't have it that bad. Think of your children. You sometimes feel selfish for the way you think, for wanting happiness. Sometimes you think oh well, I can continue to pretend. Been doing it for years, what are a few more. I can only assume only of your feelings, no one knows exactly what you are going through or how you truely feel. I can understand it. This is a tough question and even a tougher answer. Your happiness over your family's? In the same sence are they truely happy? Can the kids pick up on your unhappiness? Do you show it through impatience, anger, hurt, etc? If they can tell, then it might be better if you were to leave. the old saying goes if the mother isn't happy, no one is. If you are good at acting, and no one can tell, then it's on you to figure out. Is what you may or may not gain worth what you are giving up? I would suggest you taking some time alone, some true time alone and think it over. You decide what is important in your life. You decide if you can handle it. Going through a divorce isn't going to be easy. Things are not going to fall into your lap. You can do it though. You can survive it. You can grow from it. Being 37 with two kids is not a big deal. If a man doesn't want you, then he is not worthy of you or your family. Take some time and figure it out. The longer you push it off, the more you hide it, the more it'll eat at you. Do you want to look back ten years from now and think of the wasted time you spent? Life is precious. It is meant to be lived not to walk around as an empty shell. I hope you get time alone to sort everything out. Take good care of yourself.

Answer 4

15 years is too long to not give it 1 more try........With that said, why not sit down and take a piece of paper and put a line down the middle......On the right side, name as many good qualities and advantages as you can that is positive for your spouse.
And naturally do the oppoite on the left.......name the bad qualities and disadvantages of your spouse....Be honest with yourself....(don this next time you can't sleep)
When you are finished with that you may be surprised to see some of your answers..........Now do the same thing about yourself.You may see something you didn't think of b/4 about yourself.just be honest all the way ...........Think about what you are seeing...........Now is there anyway the disadvantages can be worked on? Sit down in a couple of days after u have thought about this and show your husband when kids are sleeping or not home......Tell him first how in a marriage we tend to take each other for granted and therefore there is a routine now that you both just follow and can do with eyes closed...Tell him how you have tried but you are somewhat unhappy, or sad, and just can't pinpoint what needs to be done to keep.things exciting........Because lets face it you both are 15 years older, starting to get tired a bit and kids keep you busy also....I know that after so many years of marriage my husband quit holding the door open for me. He quit opening my car door and closing it once I was in......After a while, I just stood there until he got the picture....And I always thanked him...........These days, gentlemanlyness(if there is such a word) is going by the wayside.Young men today are not being taught these nice manners....I think it is also showing respect for a lady..I have more but you can e-mail me,if you want my advice(married 37 years) Good luck hon

Answer 5

How about trying marriage counseling? You've been married 15 years, it's worth a try, right?! It's possible to fall back in love with someone. How do you think you fell in love in the first place?
You're kids could notice your relationship. No hugging, no kissing, etc. Kids pick up on things more than you realize. But at least you're not fighting in front of them.
And you never know, some guy might want a 37 year old w/2 kids...anything is possible...but try counseling if you haven't yet. If it doesn't work, leave and support your kids yourself. You deserve to be happy, too. If you're happy, your kids will be happy, too. I hope this helped.

Answer 6

Gabby, You may get a lot of advise about this but only you can decide if you can live with this person the rest of your life. I can tell you that staying with someone you don't currently love can go either way. I came to love my current husband again after several years of just staying afloat, but I'm honest enough to admit that there was a price to pay for doing that. On the other hand, if you leave you do risk feeing guilty over the cost to your children.
Here's the question I asked my dear daughter when she was trying to decide whether she could stay in her marriage or not (under almost the same circumstances you descibe): "Would you rather be alone than living with this man?"
If you can't honestly answer yes, then it's time to go to the marriage counselor and try to make it work. If yes is your answer, then don't stay in a situation that hurts that much! Best of luck. My prayers are with you.

Answer 7

Try being 43 and staying married for 24 years. I stayed for the kids and the oldest two have both screwed me with their actions. They are 21 and 19...now I'm just waiting for the 7 year old to do the same. There is NOTHING that is going to bring me happiness. The only reason I'm here is that I feel my baby needs her daddy. I wish he were my father too because as a husband he is a complete and utter STUPID JERK and I believe that I really hate him. The joke is on me though because I stayed for the sake of the kids and I have gotten no where.

Answer 8

Give your kids some credit. They are smarter than you think. And depending on there ages I'm sure they can already fill the void that you feel for there dad.

Your kids would be a little hurt at first but they would come around. And they would finally get to see there mom truly happy.

Wither you realize it or not they can sense what you are feeling about your husband because in some way shape or form they have seen this from you wither you think you have did nothing in front of them or not. At some point and time I'm sure your face has told the story.

You can't make your self love someone if the feeling isn't there. You said he use to be a bad spouse. Well evidently he has did something to you to make you dislike him so much. Whatever he did made you stop loving him. And pretending other wise is crazy.

Do you have a daughter? If so if she was to grow up and marry a guy like your husband use to be would you want her to stay in that marriage if she was feeling like you are right now?

Or if you have a son and his wife was awful and he didn't love her and he was as un-happy and miserable would you want him to stay in that marriage?

What are you teaching your kids by staying in this marriage?

You are teaching them that it is okay to settle and be miserable with someone that you don't love as long as there not hurting anyone but them selves.

You need to think about your self in this situation. You are making yourself sick. And if you continue with this lie it just might kill you.
Why stay in a marriage if it has nothing to offer you?

If you stay in this marriage you will get sick you already said that you have anxiety, and you don't sleep. You will end up on anti-depression medication.

You only live once so why not make you life the best it can be?

You don't want to stay in this relationship and die never knowing how truly happy you could have been.

If you continue down the road you are on now you may never see your kids grow up. Because you are gonna worry your self to death.

I think that you need to divorce your husband. Your kids will bounce right back. He can still be a good dad to them. You don't have to be together for that.

You need to start living your life. Your kids will see how happy you are and this will make them happy.

And as they get older you can explain why you chose to divorce there dad. They can have a furfilling, wonderful childhood without you and your husband being married.

I'm sure that they want there mom to be happy and not miserable.

My mom did as you are doing right now. And my sister and I both knew she was un happy. She stayed until the point that it almost drove her insane. Now she takes all kinds of medication for depression and anxiety.

She was afraid of what we would think and that we would resent her. But we never did.

I am just thankful that she is finally happy and living life to the fulliest. She had her up's and down's after they divorced. But it wasn't from leaving it was from staying and putting up with a loveless marriage for all those years. She was married to my dad for 16 years when she finally divorced him.

We survived. Our dad continued to be our dad.

By taking your self out of your marriage you will be doing your kids a favor as well as your self.

Believe me they can sense what you are feeling already. And when you suffer they suffer.

Answer 9

If you honestly do not love the man any longer then what is the point of staying with him. Maybe try a separation first. You may see things differently after some time apart. But give yourself time, because you do have time to find the answer. This is not a marathon in which you have to beat someone to the finish line with the right answer. If divorce is where you are heading it will present itself soon enough.

Answer 10

good grief girl have you tried talking to your husband about the way you feel and then maybe you both can work on the marriage you apparently are a very tender person or you wouldnt care who you end hurting and i for sure respect that i believe that marriage is for ever or at least until death do you part so i think you had better open up and give that man of your heads up about the way you are feeling and ive never even heard of a marriage that they didnt at the very least argue. you are 2 different people and no one ever thinks exacly the same way and if you are keeping every thing inside of you and not sharing your feelings with your mate its no wonder your unhappy.