So I accidently discovered porn on the computer...?

Question

As an agreement we try not to snoop in each other's stuff. But I opened up our downloading program to download some music and discovered quite a collection of porn he has been downloading. I know he looks at porn occasionally even though he thinks I don't. It bothered me a little but I didn't know how to say anything to him. It doesn't make me mad so much as hurts. To me it's like a slap in the face saying I'm bad in bed or he doesn't find me attractive. I don't want to dictate how to live his life or spend his free time but this discovery bothered me a whole lot more than I thought it would. I know I'm gonna get crap answers here, but I'm looking for non-critical honest answers on how best to bring this up to my husband. I don't believe he's gonna cheat on me, and I do admit my lack of experience in the bedroom (I was a virgin until him...he was definitely not a virgin and I knew that). How do I talk to him about this without sounding accusatory?

PS- Although inexperienced I am fairly open to whatever he wants to try. I feel bad tho since he has to explain most things to me.

Answer 1

You can approach this with the knowledge that he is probably not cheating as porn fills that need to go outside the home. Guys are hardwired to have multiple partners and often porn fills that need.
The other over riding truth is men have the ability to view women in porn very differently than they view their wives. You , as wife, are the bastion of decency and honor not some cheap hussy who would appear on video. Therefore the women in film are in no way a comparison to you. Nor do we want them to be. They are tawdry lust, you are our wives. Whether this makes you feel any better may be debatable.
I think that, in a quiet moment , you explain what you discovered.
Tell him it disturbed you more than you thought it would, just as you did here. Talk about your feelings instead of what he did which take the accusations out of the loop.
If you have not perceived some lack of affection or loss of sexual contact you can rest that it is not about you. The women there are detached objects which do things we would not request from our wives. They don't say no. They always make noise. They don't require affection. Consideration for them is not an issue. Unless he is hung like the proverbial horse the guys are not like him either.
Ask him if there is something they do that he is missing with you.
Apart from frequency I'll bet he does not name much.

Good Luck

Women view sex as a statement of intimacy. Men view sex with their wives like that sometimes. There are times when it is about release, plain and simple. It is release without dealing with any requirement to consider the feelings of anyone except themselves. There is a component which says just do it and requires no effort. I'll wager ther are few wives who would deal with the amount of sexual encounters required to totally deal with that because what goes with that is Wham Bam Thank You Mamm. So unless its affecting your time together it is not about you.
BTW the addiction thing is wrong too.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Ok I have firsthand experience in this area. A lot of men have a problem with looking at porn. No matter what they tell you it is an addiction like drugs and alcohol. In this case they are silently hurting their significant other. I would get some quiet time when he is in a good mood and find an environment where he is comfortable and let him know what happened. Tell him you have some things you would like to talk about, but would appreciate it if he would only talk after you have finished. Start by saying you accidently came across the porn on the computer. It was by pure accident. Make that clear. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him if he is unhappy about things in the marriage-Is there something you can do to help him not want to look at the porn-Does he really enjoy it more than being with you. Chances are he is gonna feel crappy enough and embarrassed so try not to judge, but to try to understand where he might be coming from. Let him talk. Hopefully it will all work out for you. If he continues and doesn't respect your feelings on this issue you may want to bring up that he needs to go to counseling or an addition class. There are many men that are addicted to porn. It just gets worse if you don't say something about it. You will just continue to have bad feelings and the next thing you know you will be thinking about divorce. Or worse yet he will let it carried away to the next level and be talking to other women and possibly seeing them outside the marriage. Please talk to him and remember not to judge him. Help him.

Answer 4

I was with someone for 13 years who I found out in the end had been having bi relationships for years. I think a guy's fantasy would be about 2 women, or screwing the babysitter. That he's looking at this tells me he's interested in guys. Do you want to worry over this? It's up to you but I don't think the desire for him looking at men is going away. I would not confront him because you invaded his privacy and found something not meant for you to see. You'll have to decide if you want the burden of wondering every time you go somewhere if he's looking at waiter with longing eyes or you.

Answer 5

There is no "accidental discovery". You knew he looks at it. You were curious, you looked, you found.

#1: Lying to yourself and others to taint an impartial answer.

You had an agreement, and no pay sites for music offer porn, so it was probably a bittorrent program. You've pretty much just offered up your husband as an illegal downloader to a very corporate website's community.

#2: Betrayal two times in two sentences.

You admit you don't know what to say to him about it, which means you've said nothing... you aren't being honest, and your fear of him getting defensive is more important than getting a positive result.

#3: You aren't honoring him, like you vowed to.

You assume that his masturbation fantasies have anything to do with you. You are wrong. You aren't ugly or unattractive, sometimes men need time alone + stimulation. Sometimes men just want to climax without worrying about being a considerate lover, or they feel that they have to hold back sexually from their wives. I used to know that feeling, I used to think if I hold her my deepest, darkest... dirtiest desires, she'd laugh or freak out, or look at me differently when absolutely nothing had actually changed other than the dishonesty being wiped away... which is completely backwards but very common.

He's afraid that you will judge him and things will change for the worse in your relationship. He's not sitting there saying, "My wife is so stupid, she has no clue I'm lusting after these women I watch and I'm setting up an arangement to leave her."

He's not posting on craigslist's casual encounters, he's looking at pictures. If he really wanted anyone but you, he could set it up. He isn't setting you up for something painful so I'd recommend getting that out of your head.

Now comes the advice since we've exposed that you aren't an angel, you're a person too.

Get him to talk to you about it. That's it, that's all. Make him talk, if that involves wearing a corset and a garter belt... your marriage license pretty much insures you won't wear a scarlet letter. Just get him talking, don't judge him, don't talk back, just ask questions and listen to his answers. He owes you communication, it's essential to a healthy marriage. Don't respond until he's done talking... and be open to comprimising on a solution.

Do this often... once isn't enough, but don't do it so often that he feels like you are nagging.

If you do it right, porn will be a poor substitute for being with you. You don't want to be the nagging wife that looks on his computer and just, "Oh golly, what should I do?"

Stop being silly, be assertive, be strong... you know, attractive qualities. Grow a backbone and take care of your marriage. He's looking at strong, confident, women who are comfortable with themselves.

You gotta answer it yourself though.

Everything I numbered was rooted in weakness. It's not that you are a bad person, it's that you are inclined to weak behavior... and I know that's not what you want to be. You gotta snap out of it. It will ruin you.

Answer 6

I have been in quite a few relationships where this has been the case. The first few I decided based on what friends were telling me that it was a "natural" guy thing and that I shouldn't worry about it. I didn't agree that I should just deal with it, but I tried to keep my feelings at bay.

Well, I discovered by accident that my current fiance looks at porn. After wrestling with the same feelings you are having, I decided that I didn't like him looking at porn and it really bothered me for the same reasons it bothers you. As a woman, I feel like if he looks at other naked girls that I am not enough for him, or worry that he is "window shopping." Now a lot of people might think that I am old fashioned or whatever, but its a matter of personal preference. I prefer my guy to only look at me naked. I don't want him getting off to other girls naked bodies. If men ask complete emotional fidelity of women, women should be able to ask complete sexual fidelity.

I told my guy that I accidentally found his porn on our computer while looking for something else. I told him my views on it, and asked if he thought I was being unreasonable. He said no, and that he didn't really think it was fair to me and said he'd stop. I told him that I would do whatever it takes to help him, because we are a team. We started reading a book on how to win the fight against porn and it has helped us both. (Let me know if you want to know what book it is.)

If you really have a problem with him looking at porn and want him to stop, he should understand. But don't expect for it to be easy. If you don't have a problem with it, then just ignore the porn and continue on as normal. You weren't snooping so you didn't violate his privacy. You just happened to see something that is on your mutual computer.

Answer 7

okay you could look at this from 2 possible angles - firstly, he probably needs more excitement in his life and he's looking online for it; it doesn't suggest that you're bad or that you don't please him; it might just say that maybe; just maybe, you could be a bit better. Secondly, he could've left those trails for you to find and take it from there; even if its not in your nature, get kinky. Let him catch you watching one of those clips yourself; chances are he'll be disgusted with your newfound perversion which would be his as well, or, he could just see the "hot" side of it and the next thing you know you'll both end up on your kitchen table going at it like rabbits - i mean its worth a try and it's no harm.

if he tells you off for seeing those clips, just look at him and smile and say, "how come you get to watch it and i don't?"

If you don't like this whole idea, you can confront him and just let him know that you stumbled upon his download history and you just need some answers; which he could in return, lie to you, tell you the truth or tell you that it's none of your business.

If you feel so vulnerable and useless, try changing your image, your approach to things, maybe he'll find the "new you" irresistable, change is good and sometimes hard to achieve but if its for the best, it could be your solution to a long-lasting and happy relationship.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Advice from a dude who will tell you how it is no holds barred...
ALL MEN LOVE PORN...and it has nothing to do with your looks, sexual performance or where or not he finds you attractive. It's just that there are things the pros do on film that he might not even want to do to you...it's more about, um, self-release. Dudes, in general, do that way more then women, and we don't out grow it either. and if the porn is super kinky, relax, that doesn't mean he's a freak, he's just seen alot and is looking for something fresh.

Don't take it personal...he's probably a bit embarrassed, and may not even want to talk about it with you...maybe you two should make your own video.

Answer 9

Well may sound like a shi*t bag to u but listen. It's partially ur fault for lacking with experience in the bedroom. You almost forcing him to look at porn because u wont show him urslef! I'm sure ur attractive i mean why do guys usually marry women? Cause there sexy ways! First delete all his porn even thought it is his own stuff. Thats serious and u need to delete it. Although being a virgin is a good thing u took up the chances of not being one when u were with this guy so show him u can do it and that he can stop looking at naked girls! If he doesn;t stop i suggest seeing someone or making him jealous bye putting naked guys as ur backround. Girls rule right?

Answer 10

I am going to give you true answers to your questions.

1) Men look at porn. 99% of married men look at porn, and masturbate as well. If your man didn't, he would be abnormal.

2) It has nothing to do with you. If you were highly experienced, and wanted sex all the time, he would still look at porn and masterbate.

3) You should be happy, not sad. Porn is much better outlet for the natural instict for men to want to sleep with new women. Using this tool (funny pun i guess), he can fulfill his animal desires without cheating on you.

4) My wife has the same issues you do. She knows and we have talked about it. She does NOT like it, but i won't stop. Some things you need to learn to live with.