Do you believe we expect too much from ex spouses?

Question

As a new ex wife I read alot of questions on here about how to deal with crazy ex wives and husbands. People seem to be very negative about exs. Why is that? I know there are some ex wives and husbands who are not nice but I often wonder is they have a reason to be. I wonder if we expect too much from them? My ex left me for another woman after having an affair. Our marriage was troubled but I was commited to making it work. He was not. He and the other woman now want to re-establish a relationship with me for the sake of our kids. I am not interested. The kids live with me and visit them every other weekend. I do not say anything bad about them to the kids - I support my ex husband's relationship with his children. But that is all I am willing to give (at least right now). I do not want to be friends - especially with the other womans. They broke my heart and my kids' hearts. Does that make me a bad person?

Answer 1

The only thing that should be a concern are the children and u certainly don't need their friendship. As someone else had posted, they are only trying to earn your friendship because they want to unload their guilt for destroying your lives and they're using the children as an excuse to do so.

U don't owe them anything and you're certainly not required to be friends with them.

Answer 2

I have never been an ex or had an ex, but I don't think you should be required to be friends with the other woman or your husband. Civility is always nice, and being supportive in helping each other out with problems with the kids is great, but friendship should not be asked. After all, if he really cared about the kids he'd be working out the problems he had with you. You're not a bad person, and shouldn't be made to feel that way, you just need time to heal and they need to respect that.

Answer 3

No this dosen't make you a bad person. I have 2 ex husbands. They are both remarried. I believe it's important to maintain a somewhat civil relationship with all of them for the sake of my kids. But I agree with you, I'm not interested in being friends with the wives. As long as they do right by my kids things will go smoothly. Communication is important for the kids, but my friendliness ends there.

Answer 4

A lot of people have a lot of trouble letting go. That's for sure.

It really isn't reasonable to expect from from any kind of ex (ex being the operating modifies--cut the cord, let it go).

Other than court-ordered child support and alimony, I don't see why anyone should expect anything out of an ex.

Moving on is easier and healthier. I can tell you I have made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who never really let go of her resentment toward her ex, and you will notice I said "mistake". But that's over, and I moved on. I don't know if she will ever be able to know how liberating that is, and how it readies you to meet somebody wonderful.

Answer 5

I think it makes you pretty good, considering some of the things you've probably been through. You keep your opinion of him to yourself to keep from influencing your kids, and you think you're a bad person because you don't want to be palsy-walsy with a man who cheated on you then dumped you for the other woman? I think they're definitely asking more of you than they have a right to. I'll be happy if I never see my ex again. He was a paranoid control freak, and I won't subject myself to that anymore. It sounds like he wasn't keeping your marriage together "for the sake of the kids," so why is he so concerned about it now?

Answer 6

I think that you have every right to feel that way. My ex is my ex because I quit expecting anything from him. As an ex...I have learned to expect the unexpected. Things can go great for awhile and then all of a sudden someone's feelings get hurt and then it is world war 3. I would say that they are expecting way too much from you.

Answer 7

I am in a similiar situation and no you are definitely not a bad person. My ex and I are recently divorced and it was due to his latest infidelity. Although he is not with this girl and with someone else, I do harbor a lot of negative feelings towards him bc of what he has done to me and my daughter. (he has played games with me trying to reconcile some relationship only to back out bc I guess he found this new girl and tried to make me his booty call and then has borrowed money from during our marriage as well as after from both me and my daugther's college account with no real intentions of paying it back). Perhaps I am the fool for still thinking that he wouldn't be so selfish considering what he had put me through in the marriage but nonetheless there are a great deal of negative feelings still there. Just last week he tried to make me his booty call bc I had said jokingly before we were officially divorced that we should still be physically intimate even if we do get a divorced. Since I have no intentions of fullfilling that esp considering that he is seeing and quite possibly living with someone else, he has decided to break our other arrangement (and like I said used it as threat) to not bring anyone we are dating around our daughter unless it is serious. So he has and perhaps this is as serious as he gets since we were married and he cheated on me too. I have learned to accept it and am happy if she is good to my daughter but he since has asked to be friends and I refuse to be beyond talking to him about our daughter. Friends don't hurt and disrespect each other and I will only allow myself to deal with him on an almost professional level at that for the sake of my daughter. I too, would never bad mouth him to my daughter bc it is also very important to me that he maintains a good relationship with her bc no matter what he is still her dad and she still loves him but that is it. I don't blame you for maintaining that kind of relationship with him and I think that it is mature of you bc if you try to deal with something that makes you feel uncomfortable or causes you any stress or pain it will definitely be noticed by your children and may impact your relationship with them. You are divorced now and do not have to any further obligation to this man beyond your children and so long as you keep that, then go on with your life and don't worry about whether or not people label you as good or bad. I know the whole stigma that is given to ex's and in particular, ex-wives but you know what it doesn't matter bc you have your dignity and as I can see by your actions, you arent going to allow anyone to walk all over you anymore. I gave my ex pretty much everything in the divorce with exception of full-custody despite what he had did and despite everyone I know telling me to get him for what he's got but you know what he's losing out on the best thing and that is my daugther. So just know that you are better off without him and continue to stand your grounds. You need time to heal and until then you are just being strong and a good person so once again, no youre not a bad person and you're not alone and I wish you the best of luck with this situation bc as I already know it is hard but you've already taken some steps by distancing yourself from these two and hopefully in time all of your wounds will finally be healed. Good luck:)

Answer 8

Their reason to be friends with you is to lesson their guilt about ruining your life and, more importantly, that of your children. You don't need their baggage. You are right.
Some of the homewreckers will write here that you should be a woman and don't hold grudges, "for the sake of the children." Did he act for the sake of the children? Don't buy it. It is not about a grudge. It is about self esteem.

Answer 9

No way! You're a great person. If my husband left me, I'd be the same. If your cordial when you see them and don't bad-mouth you, you're a bigger more mature person than 75% of ex-spouses. You go girl! (Applause)

Answer 10

Good for you, now keep it that way. He chose to have an affair, he chose to leave, he chose another lifestyle. Now. Let him have it. He's lucky your giving him as much as you have. Tell him to forget any friendships, they're for friends not Ex's.