I'm trying to understand my estranged husband's behavior of late.?

Question

He moved out 7 months ago if fact 2 days after I discovered he had an affair. The holidays are approaching and its almost a sickning feeling to not be together after 16 years. He avoids the questions I have and all but refuses to sit down and talk about things and what we are doing now and future. I am completely devastated over the whole thing because I never stopped loving him. We have always been a strong couple and a proud family and I cannot understand why he won't talk or why he doesn't want to make any effort in keeping our family together. I'm just in disamay he could so easily walk away after 2 kids and 16 years married.

Answer 1

There is no excuse for his behavior. Cheating is not acceptable. Period. And now, avoiding his wife is even worse. He came clean, but can't deal with you about it. He should be willing to try and work it out. It sounds like you are willing to do that, and I commend you for it. I couldn't do it. Will he go to a counselor? Maybe they could get him to open up about it and talk. The road to recovery is going to be long and hard, but it sounds like you are strong and willing. Good luck.

Answer 2

First you have to come to the conclusion that it either is, or isn't a verbally abusive relationship. I'm assuming since you think it may be, the it probably is. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical and emotional abuse and needs to be treated the same way. Your husband first has to get to the point that he will admit that he has a problem before it can be fixed. The next step would be for both of you to go to counseling and to get to the bottom of why he is abusive. For now you need to do whatever you can to protect yourself and your daughter. Realize that the problem is him and speak with your counselor about what you can do. If he refuses to get help and make this situation better, then you may have to move on to a trial separation, until he sees that the way he is treating you is not o.k. Abuse is a cycle that has to be broken. It isn't easy and will take a lot of work on both parts. I stayed in an abusive relationship with my first husband for 15 years until I finally gave up on any change. Some people will just never change no matter what they lose. Still to this day (13 years later) he blames me for taking his family away. I hope you have better results. Good Luck!

Answer 3

When he moved out was it his decision or did you tell him to leave? From what you've described he is neither willing or able to discuss things as of yet. I'd stop asking questions if I were you and instead tell him what "YOU" need. Not to stay in a state of limbo..it's not fair to you & the children. Tell him you need to know if he wants to work through this heartache or if he wants a divorce. There is no rule that just because your husband has cheated on you you have to stop loving him. But I do think it's important if you consider are you in love with the person you thought he was? Can you still love someone who may not love you anymore? Your husband can't talk because he's not ready to. He must be feeling an enormous of amount of shame and guilt..on top of which he genuienly may be confused...this may not sound like the guy you married but guess what??? It is..It may seem to you that it's easy for him to walk away from your marriage & the kids but he may have been struggeling with the issue long before you discovered his infidelity. Rather than trying to understand what's going on in his head. Focus on you and the children. Sooner or later one of you will let the other know your relationship is worth hanging on to, and seek professional help to repair this damaged union or, one will decide not to go on and the other will have to accept that and move on. You may never get the answers you want and that's not fair. But sometimes that's just life and you have to accept it and move on and start over again.

Answer 4

U have to question urself as well as him why he felt the need to have an affair after all these years.
He has to be willing to sit down and talk, until he does that u wont ahieve anything.
Its been 7 months, he's still not there for u, what do u think will happen now......How deep is his relationship with this other woman? What about his relationship with the kids?
Its a 2 way street, u alone wont be able to manage this rel.
If he's still unwilling to sit & talk, build a life of ur own, its diffiult but possible. It'll get better with time.

Answer 5

Believe me, I know this is hard. The first thing you need to do is stop trying to talk with him. He's made a decision. Live with it; move on and don't let him "see you sweat."

Talk to friends and family about your feelings but don't burden them every time you see them. Just take a few weeks or so, tell them you need a shoulder to cry on, and just tell them you need them to be there fo ryou and listen. These are true friends.

After that, don't be the 'ever crying' friend they start to hide from... if you still need to talk, find a relationship therapist and talk to some one professionally.

Stay active. Do the things you love to do. Hike, swim, take walks, go to play, hang out with friends. By staying in the house you'll only feel depressed and bored and think of him more.

Give yourself a time line. No more crying after 2 weeks, no more talking about (name) after 1 month (except as it relates to kids/custody,etc), in 4 months, start dating, etc.

It will get easier every day. Even if you start dating and you dont like the people you're meeting. Don't worry.... just have fun, enjoy the moment... you don't have to marry them - just have fun and waste time until you're truly healed.

You will get over this. Don't let any man ruin you life or you positive spirit...save your energy for the next one and your kids! Good luck!

Answer 6

i know how hurt u must be especially now that the holiday's are aproaching. he doesn't talk about future because he doesn't feel there is one, and he doesn't want to hurt you. we wonder why or how they can just walk away, but truthfully they were probroly planning this a long time, and we didn't see it, we never picked up on it. we think all was well and that we had a strong marriage but in reality he didn't share your views, and he may not have felt the way u did. ofcourse theres always the other woman in the situation, and they make demands and give ultamitiuns, and totally consume the person and it makes it hard on us. we have to believe them and take them at their word, when they say they don't want us, if not we are in denial of the situation. we always have hopes they will come home, but if we are consumed with these thoughts, we can never move on, or have a life of our own. often times it's hard to see the ones we loved in this light, as they really are, instead we want them to be the man we so well remembered, but it can never be that way unless he is willing for it to be.

Answer 7

Well to me it sounds like the affair was not the only thing that was going on with him. He may have been looking for a out for awhile and this is the way he found his out. Speaking from My point of view and Please don't think that I'm rude, yet it will seems that it would be not as hard just to leave everything then to rebuild if it has been on his mind for awhile. Yet the other thing that could be going on is that he may be still with the other lady and this making him feel he does not need you. I hope i did not hurt or say the wrong things yet from what you have wrote that is what i think!

Answer 8

Well Honey, maybe he's not "easily walking away" but, is being ripped up on the inside. Do you know how he feels, have you both sit down and talked about what happen? Lot's of questions here sweetheart, to many to go into.
You and him have to sit down. Maybe he just doesn't want it anymore, then, give up. Get him out of your life though, go out, meet new people. Don't let him come around, there's no such thing as a part time marriage.

Answer 9

I can't begin to know what's in his mind, but I do know walking away without winding up things is not a resolution. Frankly, and I'm sure you dont' want to hear this, I think you should file for divorce. That will at least force him to resolve outstanding issues pertaining to property and support of the children (and perhaps of you as well). As for the marriage, his leaving has he has and having an affair even gives you grounds (for those states that still require grounds for divorce)--infidelity, abandonment. Remember that practically speaking your house is in both of your names, you cannot sell it and are still responsible for it and any debt on it...that needs to be resolved.

Unfortunately if he doesn't want to keep the family together or talk about why he doesn't want to be with you, as hurtful as it is, you have little to do to force him....since it takes two to make a relationship and one doesn't want it, the other should move on. I apologize for being blunt, as you are probably more hurting, than angry or being rational at the moment, but I see no alternatives to winding up the material aspects of the relationship and moving on.

Answer 10

well i think he is an *** to leave 3 people he promised to love til death do you part.to have an affair is one thing but to not try and work it out thats cruel.i know it will take u a long time before you can get over it or you probably wont but one thing never stop loving the kids they'll never betray you and think about it in a good way,at least you have enough love to start a new life and plenty of experience.he doesnt want to make any effort cuz he doesnt deserve you.