Can I ask you a serious question?

Question

My next door neighbour and friend committed suicide a couple of years ago just before her 20th birthday and I can't get over that. I'm always thinking why would she feel so lonely and desperate but also how didn't I or any of her parents and friends never noticed how sad she was. I think she must have felt desperate due to her over critic mother and not going well on her studies, but I'm always thinking I could have done more to help.
How does somebody gets over something like this, and if someone so young and full of life can feel like that, what chance do we have in this world to prevent that?

Recently I saw the video "HowDo You Get That Lonely" from Blaine Larsen and can't stop thinking about her.

Answer 1

First, there's your situation to talk about:

If you were close friends with her you're dealing with the loss of a friend. Losing someone close can really take a full five years to get over. That doesn't mean its as bad at four years as it was as one year because there is a gradual process of getting over something; but it isn't until five years that people really feel as if all the dealing with it is done.

You're young, I assume, so you may have the disadvantage of not having gone through this type of loss before and getting "practice" at dealing with death. The suicide factor adds another dimension of something you need a certain amount of "sorting ability" to deal with, and your age could make it a little harder. Young people's brains aren't even finished developing until, possibly, into their early- to mid-twenties. A PBS special not long ago explained how the not-quite-finished pre-frontal cortex can make young people have depression and other problems dealing with certain types of things that go on.

You have the disadvantage of not knowing her as well you as you may have thought you or should have. Obviously, if you had any idea about how bad things were for her you would have tried to do something. If, by any chance, you knew things were bad and tried to think of ways to help her there's a good chance she wasn't "in the market" for your help because of all she had going on in her mind.

Depression can affect a person's reasoning ability. If she had depression there's a chance that played a role. Also, I did some research on the subject of teen suicide for some work I did years ago, and the people with whom I spoke said one big factor is very often that the young person who is unhappy may drink or use drugs, and that can make the difference between being "uninhibited enough" to actually go through with a suicide, while, if they didn't use some substance, they may not have done it. You have no way to know for sure whether she didn't have something to drink or take some drug to feel better, and it, instead, "freed" her to act on her suicidal tendency.

When it comes to death and loss, there are a few different things that can go on: If you're really, really, close to someone you can get so numb you feel only a fraction of the grief because you're numb. After a year or so, the numbness wears off and you start feeling the grief (but it isn't quite as horrible as when it was new). If you're not super, super-close, to someone you may not have the benefit of the numbness; so you can sometimes feel the loss (although its not as horrible/horrible as if it were someone awfully close) quite "clearly". Depending on how close you were and the situation, there are phases of grief that come in varying degrees in varying situations and at different times. Some of those are shock, anger, guilt. People can feel some vague need to find answers, and they may not even have the questions figured out.

If your friend was not suffering from some other set of issues having a critical mother and/or not doing well in school would not have caused her to commit suicide.

There's even the chance she wasn't all that lonely and desperate. There's the possibility she could have had one, huge, anger, episode that made her feel like she couldn't deal with how angry she was; and she could have committed suicide just in one, quick, unplanned, act to end her immediate feelings of anger or frustration. She, too, probably had a not-quite-finished brain, and her actions could have been the quick and hard-to-manage urge to do something that she couldn't control. In other words, she could have just been unable to control an impulse. I have no way to know if that's the case, but it is a possibility.

There is the chance she could have been on anti-depressant medication and/or maybe stopped taking it more quickly than she should have. Anti-depressants can increase suicidal tendencies in teenagers, and stopping taking them can do a similar thing. If a person is unhappy, and if their brain chemicals are altered you never know what mood they'll get in.

If she had depression (although "full of life" makes me wonder whether she could have had severe depression because usually that shows in some way) it was, unfortunately, up to her to ask for help. If she was someone who did have a doctor working with her that doctor could have done his/her best, but sometimes depression is more than doctors can easily treat. If she was depressed but putting on a front and making you believe she was "full of life" you could not have been expected to know how depressed she was.

People who really, really, want to commit suicide aren't likely to tell anyone because they don't want to be stopped. Experts who specialize in suicide say that if a person talks about it there's the chance they'll do it. I'm not disagreeing with that, but the person who talks about it really wants help. The person who really, really, wants to do it will keep it a secret. I tend to think (without knowing her and without really having a right to make guesses) she had a reasonably brief episode of overwhelming upset or anger and acted impulsively. I'm not saying she didn't have things in her life that were bothering her, but most of us have any number of things we're not all that happy about.

If she really, really, wanted to do what she did there is nothing anyone could have done to stop her. If it was an impulsive act there is nothing you could have done to stop her unless you were right there when the overwhelming feelings came over her and were able to grab her arms and get her to a hospital. You were probably not there when it hit.

There is something else about that PBS special on the brain to remember: It was said that because young people don't have a full mature pre-frontal cortex there are times when someone (like their mother) may say something that gets completely misinterpreted by the young person. For example, a mother could say, "Anything new?" and the young person could think, "What does she mean by that?" (when all the mother meant was, "anything new?"). If your friend was perceiving things in some way that was colored by either depression or an immature brain it is possible things were not even as bad as she presented them. People with depression see things different. So do teenagers.

One thing to remember about things that we can't make sense of is that when someone does something that isn't (to say the least) well adjusted or reasonable there is no applying logic or sense to it. People who have mental health issues (or are even just in a temporary rage) don't act in a way that makes sense to others all the time.

Something that may help you is to try to believe that we're all here on this Earth on our own terms and things sometimes happen for some reason we'll never understand.

There's a point where you have to remind yourself that she is not here, and there's almost no point now to try to go back and think of what could have been differently. Her act was one that came either from her immaturity or some (for lack of a nicer term) weakness she had or from a brief moment of weakness (which we all have). Just as babies are more at risk of dying from some diseases that, if they got them when they're older, they would not otherwise have died from, teenagers and early twenties people are more at risk "of life". Some drive fast or drink and drive, some drink or use drugs, some have too much sex to the point where it isn't healthy, etc. It all has to do with their youth and immaturity, and so, probably, did your friend's suicide.

You may want to talk with a counselor who deals with the survivors of this type of loss. You will get over it, but if she was a close friend years from now you could be surprised to discover that because you're older (say middle-aged) you will see her as young enough to be your own child's age, and you could start seeing the tragedy in a whole new light. A counselor who could tell you what to expect now and later may actually help you - even if you just talked to someone for a couple of visits and talk about why - two years later - you still could use some sensible input.

It is a horrible thing for people to have happen to someone they're close to. You do, though, need to remind yourself that this is something that she, herself, did for whatever reason; and that most people don't resort to that. You need to remind yourself she isn't here suffering. Other people are. There's a point where you have to allow yourself to consider that you didn't have the knowledge or even power to stop her.

Chances are her studies weren't going well because she had other problems. She may have even had some behavior that her mother didn't know what to do about and commented on. Mothers don't always know what to do about a son or daughter who is having problems and showing it, and they do what they think they should do. My point is you were seeing or hearing about surface-level stuff that may have been the symptoms of a deeper problem - you weren't seeing the real root of the problem.

You are making an assumption when you say, "I think she must have felt desperate due to her over critical mother". That's something you've made a guess about, and your guess could be based on your friend's misguided/misinterpreting version of things. It is not fair to guess about the mother or else - if you actually witnessed "legitimate over-critical", to blame the suicide on that or on the mother. That, by itself, isn't enough to cause someone to commit suicide. Your friend had other stuff going on in her mind or body (a chemical imbalance maybe) that nobody knew about or how to deal with.

Be very careful about what books you read or what videos you watch about suicide. Sometimes people who have "been there" will tell their version of how things happened, and they'll find others who had similiar experiences; but they may only be telling one small part of the overall picture about suicide. Sometimes, too, the people who put these things together continue to struggle with depression (and a viewpoint that still may not be quite "mainstream"). Even people with degrees in a field sometimes have wacky opinions about what causes something. I don't know the video you mentioned, but just make sure you read or watch things that are produced by very legitimate and well respected entitites, such as the American Psychological Association or people associated with well known hospitals or universities. The lone-guy that makes a video may not have presented a cold, calculating, scientific, viewpoint. I think of the ex-drug users who get better and write books about "coming back". There are people who never became drug-users in the first place, and they don't write the books or make the videos. In other words, books about a subject may not be objective or even well rounded enough. The video you saw was probably about one thing that can lead to suicide. It did not cover all the things that can lead to it, I'm guessing.

If, two years later, you are still in need of some kind of help with getting past thinking about what you could have done I think, seriously, you really should talk with someone who can offer perspective. It may take five years to get over losing someone and/or losing someone in this way, but two years later you should have a certain amount of peace that you don't seem to have. I'm assuming you're young, and this was quite the "kick in the head" for you.

If your friend had depression that's medical condition. She essentially died of a medical condition. Everything looks worse and seems bigger and more hopeless to the person with depression.

It is an awful, awful, thing that this young girl had whatever she had going on add up to her taking the action she did, but there is the chance it had nothing to do with loneliness at all. Even if it was loneliness, being lonely happens when a person doesn't have the skills needed to keep from being lonely. In other words, she had some deep-down, underlying, flaw in her emotional soundness no matter how you look at it. Suicide can also be an aggressive act of sorts, and it can be a cowardly act.

Look up some legitimate, medical, sources for depression; and do some more reading about suicide in sources that are medical, scientific, and well respected. Look up dealing with the suicide of someone close and grief. Doing some reading on topics like this could give you a better reference point to work from.

Finally, I hate to say this because I know your friend could have had some long, suffering, situation that made her do what she did; but at the same time, when I did my research on teen suicide (and even if she was almost twenty if she was a couple of years less mature than her years it would put her smack dab in the middle of her teen years) I was told that there are times when young people can (for less of a more polite term) be "drama queens" and essentially kill themselves over something stupid, like breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is also very possible that you're imagining a whole drama that was going on that maybe wasn't as dramatic or as ongoing as one may think.

Try to remember that you will never really know what went on with her and be very careful not to try to imagine what must have been going on. That's just imagining, and you can't build a solid perspective from imagining what maybe was going on.

Because this is a serious situation I thought I'd take the time to write about what I know. Hope some of it is helpful. Loss is never easy, but we have to find ways to get our mind on something else and build our own tomorrows.

Answer 2

I have been through the suicide experience personally. I tried to kill myself when I was 16 years old. I was clinically dead for two minutes but they brought me back. I was depressed, I was the skinny girl with braces and glasses and knocked knees. I didn't have many friends and no boyfriends (until my husband came along when I was 18). I went to therapy and realized I wasn't so bad. But my mom and dad stepped in to help me. I hid the fact that I was so sad from everyone very well. Sometimes it's just not your fault that you missed the signs. I understand your feelings. It's a hard thing to get over. But you can't beat yourself up about it. You were probably the best person in her life while she was here. However, she hid her feelings well. You shouldn't blame yourself. I know that's easier said then done but try anyway, ok? God bless you.

Answer 3

I have lost 3 people to suicide. Its very hard to deal with and leaves a lot of unanswered questions. A lot of the time you won't notice the signs until you're looking back after they have died. I found my mother in law after she commit suicide. That was 5 years ago and I am still dealing with it. You just have to give it time. Talk to a counselor or go to a support group to help you thru the grief. It does help if you find the right counselor

Answer 4

am 16 years old, n all my friends think that there is nobody happier than me! i enjoy parties n dance a lot , i laugh a lot, full of energy but inside , i feel like if i am sick and desperate , when i am alone , i realize that i have NOBODY and nothing , even my parents can not help me with this. n i know that the more i try the less i get in this world n i know how small i am compared to the big plans i have for future!!! don't bother , wasn't your fault anyway that she committed suicide , i think she made everything easier for herself ? !! why somebody has to bother this much in this world for nothing ?!!

Answer 5

Regardless of how close you were to this person, it is impossible to ever fully understand the pain they felt or what would drive them to such a decision. People choose to show their pain in different ways, for this person it sounds like they kept it bottled up from the world. You are doing the right thing by letting out your feelings as the mind is a dangerous place to overload with anguish. Do not feel responsible for this death. If you have further issues coping with this pain or the thoughts of this person begin to interrupt your life, please go see some one who can help such as a school counselor or therapist.

Answer 6

First of all, I understand how you feel about that. I have a few friends that suffer from depression, but there is nothing you could
have done. Depression is a very serious disease and could be hereditary, sometimes not even medicine can cure it. It might help for a short period of time but you'll always depend on them.

I would suggest you talk to your doctor about it, I wouldn't want you to become depress either. Ask your doctor to refer you to
a therapist or counselor. Hopefully you'll recuperate soon.

Answer 7

Its always the same with people that commit suicide, they get into a place that they make themselves or they allow other people to put them in that place, that place is always called the same thing it is a place of NO HOPE!
As long as we have any hope what so ever we will never get in that horrible place, in this tough world one of the best things that you can share with your fellow beings is to give them hope.

Answer 8

I have requested a few critical questions. No, nobody is forcing u to invite critical questions. You can ask humorous questions, loopy questions & foolish questions. Just do not ask bizarre questions.

Answer 9

It is an unfortunate event. Different combinations of sorrows have caused her spirits to fall and decided to fix it by ending her life. It's good that you remember her but her death is none of your fault.

Answer 10

I got over major depression after 4 suicide attempts. I'm living proof that it's possible. Jesus is the answer...