help, i dont know what to do?

Question

my daughter has been married for 4 years to a man in the millitary. he does have some control issues with her, which i never thought were so serious, but i guess they are. he is deployed now and she feels the relationship will never get any better, and wants to separate or even divorce him when he gets back. she says she has given him too many chances to change his behavior, to only have things revert back to the old ways. i have tried to talk her out of this because of there son. she wont get counseling, but he says he will when he gets back to save their family. she tells me hes out of chances. i really do like him and hope he can change for his own sake , but i feel shes making a mistake. he has called my husband from korea, and he seems heartbroken. she says she dosent feel the same about the relationship since he hasent changed. also i think she may be talking to other guys, just talk, but i dont feel thats right. im worried for all of them, especially the little boy.

Answer 1

From one Mother to another, I feel that you should just allow her to make her own decisions regardless if you feel it's wrong. However, I feel you're entitled to make your opinions known but the decision is ultimately hers. If you're daughter feels so adamant about leaving her Husband then she must have a good reason why. Support and lover her and have faith in knowing that your daughter's making the right decision and respect it. I understand about your concern for your Grandson but all I can say is just be there for him and try to help him thru the separation, if it happens. Sometimes things happen for a reason, a reason we may never know and sometimes we need to let our children take their own path even if it's a mistake for that's a lesson one must learn on their own as you once did as well. Have faith and pray that everything will be alright and be there for them. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 2

I don't reccomend divorce, but maybe these other guys she is talking to are having some influence over her decision. He is away and I'm sure that makes him feel helpless. She should give him another chance if he's willing to get outside help for his control issues. Since there is a child involved, she really needs to think through all of this. The child has been separated from his father alot and deserves the chance to get to know him and feel like they are a family. But if he is verbally or physically abusive, she needs to get out for her safety, mentally and physically. Hopefully, she will stop talking with other men and try to work through her marriage. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

Answer 3

Yes lady, men usually are controling but apparently, he overreacts the controlling issue. That can be a serious reason of a woman loosing interests in her husband and/or relationship however, on the other hand, I also think the does have interests in someone else. I don't mean she is seeing someone else, but both situations might have emerged simultaneously. Also she is probally making up the controlling excuse because she does'nt love him or wants to continue with this relation any longer. Lots can tell you counseling is adviced but if there is no longer feelings in one of the party's, well not even counseling will do. I hope this get better but if they don't, honey it was just meant to be that way. GOOD LUCK FOR ALL

Answer 4

Well, as much as you might like the guy it sounds like she already made up her mind. Commonly when this happens it is because she is seeing someone else. When husbands and wives get deployed it isnt uncommon for the other partner to stray from lonliness. However, It may get better when he gets back because she wont feel as alone, and bearing the brunt of caring for the son alone. As for the control issues. I have personally been there and that is not right at any level. Best case senerio is that they get counseling especially because they have a child. Just Keep telling her how important it will be for her son and to atleast give it a try. My mom used to keep drilling me with things that I didnt really want to here but I eventually broke down and actually realized that she was right. Keep STRONG :)

Answer 5

If I may be so bold as to say that from what you have written it seems obvious though painful as it maybe for everyone else to accept that your daughter has alredy made up her mind and to prolong that decision will only make things worse not better especially if she is refusing to work it out and this will take such a negative toll on the child's physical,mental,emotional growth.Milatary life by far can never be easy and the stress of war,culture clash and crash can really do a number on people.Everyone has their limits and some people break easily-whatever it maybe that is between your daughter and her husband and your daughter is telling you that she wants out-as painful as it maybe-it is her life and her marriage and you as a parent need to put you feelings out of it and listen to her and support her and him.Sometimes when a person can't fix their problems it best that they step away and apply a whole to prespective to solving that issue.Staying in the kaos will only make it worse.Remember if she is your daughter then her husband is like your son and so as parents you should treat him as such.Be and remain objective.It's clear that your grandson is very important to you and should damm well be so in these uncertian times give him all your love,stability,support and nauture his growth while his parents find their way.Do not add fuel to fire by burdenning guilt,feelings etc into and onto your daughter's. life right now.Become more of a rock,a foundation when theirs is shakey.I hope I haven't offended you or hurt your feelings-Good Luck and God bless you all and help you through your hard times,especially your grandson-peace.Chio!RIZ>

Answer 6

The woman is making a mistake here, but it is none of your business, sorry. I am sure her involvment with other guys is way more than you could even imagine now. She should stop it while married. After he comes back, for the sake of the boy they must to exhaust every opportunity to save the marriage. I beleive, they will work it out. If not, things will get worse, at wich point everything will be possible, like cheating or separation. Hope it will never come to this. Support them, but NEVER EVER take sides.

Answer 7

Your daughter is the one that has to live with this man not you. If she is not happy let her get out of it. How many chances does a person need to change? I gave my ex husband many chances to change and he would change for a week or two and then right back to his old ways again. Things will only get worse for her and NOT better. If he did love her enough, he would want to change his life for the better. As for the child....no don't stay in a relationship for the child sake if things are bad as it will make it hard on that child. They DO know things are not right even if we don't know it. She needs to get out and YOU need to support her decision in this matter.

Answer 8

What is the reason behind the control issues. Does he expect her to have a clean home and food on the table when he gets home or has he accused her of flirthing with other men? If it's the clean home/food on the table thing then he's just a chavinist who wants things done his way. Does she work outside of the home? If he's willing to get therapy and she is not, I'll bet you anything there is another man. Why would a woman not want to save her marriage unless there is another man or there is domestic violence. If there is or has been domestic violence, then help your daughter and grandson and stand by their side. It could be a long bumpy road ahead. Unfortunately, the military often turns the other cheek with domestic violence. Please try to talk her into getting help, if not for her, for the sake of her son.

Answer 9

When the cat is away the mouse will play... especially if the cat is very controlling. Chances are she is using his weak links (controlling issues) to place blame. Basically the only thing you can do is to give them both support and an open ear. Otherwise your opinions and comment should be kept between you and your husband. DONT TAKE SIDES... The most important person is the child.

Answer 10

He may be suffering from PTSD. My husband is also military, and has been for nearly 4 years. He is in his second deployment and his behavior is erratic. He is currently speaking with the chaplain downrange and I am seeing a counselor too. If it is PTSD, then it's not totally his fault, and she should seek counseling so she'd be better equiped to deal with his behavior. Being apart for so long can sometimes change how you feel, but you must keep in mind what brought you together in the first place. Contact me if you'd like to talk more.