My husband cheated on me 3 yrs ago and didn't tell me the whole story until recently. Our marriage has been on the rocks ever since everything happened...he has been abusive and not there for me when I really needed him(after having a child and surgery, etc). He says its my fault and that I need to get over it all. I told him that it was up to him to make me feel better about our relationship and to feel safe and secure with him. I can't make him understand that...am I right?
2006-11-10 02:03:04 · 11 answers · asked by caramelqueen 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes you are right, a marriage takes the work of the two of u daily and if one is not workin as hard as the other then it will cause problems and in most cases for women a sense of insecurity which is horrible. But you must also forgive him and when u do, you cant keep bringing it up. You have to let it go and pretend it didnt happen jus as God forgets are sin when we ask for forgivness, but that will be alot easier to do if he was working on repair and understanding the damage he has caused to you and not saying u should jus get over it.
2006-11-10 02:12:35 · answer #1 · answered by exceptionallyexceptional 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is actually on both of your responsibilities. To be honest, there is no way he is ever going to be able to make it up to you what he did but it is his responsibility to make you feel safe. If he is being abusive, no matter what form, he needs to stop ( I know it is easier said than done). Once he has stopped being abusive you need to learn to forgive him and try to trust him again if you want this to work out. Your best best would be to seek marriage counseling as well as one-on-one therapy for both of you. There sounds like there are a considerable amount of issues in this relationship, but with love and hard work it can be salvaged. However, if the love is not there anymore and you are both sticking it out for your child or even just comfort reasons I would suggest ending it because to prolong it will only hurt everyone, mostly your child.
2006-11-10 10:14:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The problem is...that you accepted his behavior. When you accept someones behavior, it's like you are allowing it and forgiving him for it. If you chose to stay, then you need to suck it up and get over it. You choosing to stay with him and not doing anything about it, gives him the upper hand of the situation. If you haven't done anything to show him that if you leave it will be his lost and that he's replaceable, then you need to. Or don't complain about it. Because technically it is your fault that you feel this way. You had a choice. You could've left him and had nothing to sulk over. But you chose to stay. To me, you forgave him, so don't complain about it now. And if you are going to continue to complain, then leave him. It's that simple. He won't make you feel secure ever because like you said he's abusive. He's probably manipulative too. And when you have a man like this by your side, he usually has no good intentions for you. It's your choice. Do you stay or go?
2006-11-10 10:20:59 · answer #3 · answered by Rica 82 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes two to make a marriage work as easily as it takes two to destroy it. He may have been the one that cheated and hid it for years after, but he did finally 'fess up. Did he ever ask for forgiveness from what he did, or just confess to what he did? That makes a big difference too. How does he figure that its your fault?? Does he mean for his cheating in the first place, or for the fact that you cannot get over it?
If it is for his cheating...he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his own actions. Alot of people are in unhappy marriages and they don't go out and cheat. If he was unhappy, then he should have either left and got a divorce or sat down with you and talked about what was wrong and how you two could fix it. His cheating was entirely his own responsibility!!! As for you not getting over it....well, that is a personal matter that only you can deal with. If you honestly cannot accept what he did, then you need to decide whether you want to continue living with him or get a divorce. It is not a sin if you cannot forgive him...it is just something that needs to be dealt with and resolved. If you can't forgive him...get out now. Get on with your life. If you do feel that you will eventually be able to forgive him...then the two of you need to sit down and try and figure out what you both want from the rest of your marriage and start over from now. No more bringing up the past; no more blaming one or the other for what happened in the past; no more looking for excuses to accuse him of maybe wanting to cheat again or maybe already cheating.
It has got to end now!!!! For both of you, or you guys need to end this marriage and each of you move on.
If he was not the kissy-kissy, smoochie-smoochie,huggy-huggy type before all this..either before he cheated, or after he cheated but before he finally told you...then you really have no right to expect that he should start doing it now, just because you know about his indescretions and aren't dealling well with it.
By that you are trying to punish him by making him love you more. That will only make him resent you and then you may wind up in a worse situation than just his cheating. Get some counseling if you don't feel you can get over this by yourself. There is no shame in asking someone outside of the situation for help.
2006-11-10 10:40:08 · answer #4 · answered by lildragonlexi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first of all, you have every right to be upset at him. It is obvious he is using you - dump him! He does nothing but hurt you physically and mentally and you deserve better!!! Good for you to turn it back around to him, but he has behaved this way for so long he will never figure it out. His cheating on you is just the tip of the iceberg. Get out of this unhealthy relationship and get on with your life. I hope he isn't abusive to the kids, too. What a pig!!!
2006-11-10 10:24:37 · answer #5 · answered by busymomof4 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have stayed with him after the fact. This speaks for itself. You should have moved on, as well. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Communication is very important. This situation of yours is both of your fault. You must talk openly and resolve your differences. Things don't just go away, you need to deal with them and start fresh.
2006-11-10 10:07:36 · answer #6 · answered by HGS 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's wrong to say it was your fault. He's responsible for his actions. You didn't hold a gun to his head and make him cheat. In a way he's right when he says you need to get over it. You do. You need to let the cheater go and let him know he's lost his damn mind if he thinks you're going to keep someone like him around. Sounds like he expects you to forget about it and brush it aside. You don't have to settle for someone you don't want to settle for.
2006-11-10 10:36:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are right.
He broke the trust now he has to be the one to fix it.
It could take him 5 years to do it but he done it, not you.
I am sure you helped some but it is not like you told him to go and do it.
If he don't want to fix it then maybe he don't love you like he says he does. Maybe he needs to move out for awhile.
2006-11-10 10:56:53 · answer #8 · answered by Emptiness 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes you are right. He has to gain your trust all over again, and you have to build up trust for him. In my opinion though, it's best for you to leave him, and find someone else better, because he'll most likely to cheat on you again.
2006-11-10 10:06:21 · answer #9 · answered by superboredom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No 1, if he is abusive, get out now!
No 2, chances are, if he cheated once he will probably do it again, and blame you for it. Please get ahold of a domestic violence shelter near you and work on getting out.
2006-11-10 10:12:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋