Why is my best friend ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?

Question

We have managed to keep our friendship strong even though I moved thousands of miles several years ago. Recently my best friend confessed that deep depression was causing a lack of communication- via email or phone but that I would be contacted when the depression passed or at least lessened. Months have passed and I heard nothing but I respected my friend's request for "space". Recently I sent a modest but thoughtful (I thought) gift for my friend's birthday, but I confess a small part of me hoped it would elicit some communication after all of this time. Both my gift and my voice mail of birthday wishes went unacknowledged. Have I made it worse with my gift? I don't understand depression! Does it make people want to lose valuable friendships? So far I am just super concerned. Has depression crossed over to just plain rude? Should I be mad? I don't want to be. I just want my friend back!

My concern is over acting the wrong way out of all of this. Should I be persistent or just back off? This could take years. The last thing I want is to have things fall apart because I'm the one who didn't try hard enough. I should also mention that I'm 3,000 miles away and have been for the last 7 years so a "pop-in" is kind of out of the question...

Answer 1

Its perfectly natural for you to be thinking selfishly.... but the same is also true of everyone else... including your distanced friend.

Chances are that they aren't finding themselves thinking about you as much any more.... Depression won't be the whole of it, but will be a significant factor.

You see... since contact between the two of you became irregular after separation... particularly on the other end it would seem that new memories that don't include you are slowly piling up on top of the old memories that include you.... gradually compressing them down and reducing their volume... metaphorically speaking.
[Random apology: As a former earth scientist, I tend to start thinking of things in terms of rock processes sometimes]...

Anyhow... the result of this is that you are thought of as being part of your friend's past... rather than the present... and they are gradually moving away from you in mind much as the separation took place in body. You appear to be superfluous to their existence.... not so important any more, and thus less effort is being put into staying in contact with you.

The depression could well be a catalyst for this. Regardless of the causes for such things... depression will tend to make people isolate themselves away from friends and family, not least because if their problems were understood by the above (as they generally feel such things should be) then they wouldn't have them any more.... As such there is, at least on the subconscious level, a feeling of self-reinforcing betrayal and abandonment that goes with depression ... and will tend to get worse as time progresses.
The only way to really put an end to that is to try and understand the problems at the root of the condition and make a concerted effort to be involved despite the other person's subconscious need to shut everyone out.


Considering you're not really in a position to do that for your friend.... I'd think you should just hope that someone else can get them out of it some time soon.... and then they might open up enough to contact you back again.
Keep trying though....
You might get through (or then again you might just make your 'friend' snap at you).

Answer 2

Well, you have no idea what your friend is thinking, or if she has a problem with something that happened between you.

She might not want to talk. Or she might be depressed and not responsive to anyone. Or she might also feel embarrassed that she is still depressed and not want to tell you. Or maybe, for whatever reason, she moved on. Or maybe your gift(s) did not get to her and were lost in the mail and on the machine (slimmer chance, but still possible, depending on circumstances).

If I were in your situation and wanted to maintain the relationship (and that's a decision you must make for yourself -- do you want to spend the time and energy to try to connect with her?), I would probably come clean with her and tell her how I felt.

I would say:
1. You were one of my best friends, and I miss talking to you and staying in touch.
2. I still think about you a lot and wonder how you are. You mean something to me.
3. I was concerned about your depression and that I haven't heard from you. It's okay if you are having trouble with getting through it, and I will do whatever I can to help.
4. The door here is always open, and I'd love it if you wrote or called me, just to keep in touch even if you're very busy with other things.

Basically, I would give her an "invitation" to respond -- I would be very clear how I felt about her and that nothing she has done or experienced could change those feelings, and that I am here.

That's all you can really do, if you want to stay connected with your friend. It's really up to her, at that that point, whether she wants to respond or has the courage to respond.

If she doesn't, then chances are she (for whatever reason) doesn't want to communicate right now, and you will have to deal with your feelings of being hurt at that point. Just because she doesn't respond now, though, doesn't mean that later on she won't change her mind.

Kindness and concern you show her now could lead her to contact you at some point in the future.

Anyway, take care, and I hope things pan out, and your relationship is rekindled. Just love her and offer your friendship, without expecting something in return.

Answer 3

If she is depressed she is probably not taking any-ones calls, can you call a family member of hers or yours and get some information. Depression is a very serious illness and at times may leave the person suffering with the lack of energy to do anything, yes even answer the telephone or write letter, any correspondence is a chore. You should be patient with your friend, however, I would try to find someone close enough to check up on her. She needs to seek some treatment due to this depression. And you really don't know what has happened to bring this on. I would not be angry or upset with her, try to be patient and continue to call once or twice a week and see if she will take your calls. Good luck and God bless

Answer 4

It could very well just be the depression. It is a very complex disease. At times it will make a person just totally shut out the world even to the very best of friends. Good Luck, hope things work out ok.

Answer 5

So, you don't understand depression. how nice for you.
first of all (and most important) her depression has nothing to do with you. Sounds to me like she has bigger fish to fry right now that stressing over your hurt feelings. Depression can be deadly and you need to understand that people don't choose it over friendship. Being depressed is like living in a dark hole that you can't get out of. you can hear the world talking but you can't respond. If you care about your friend go and see her. and be prepared not to be entertained. She's sick.

Answer 6

i think of you ought to tell her why u do no longer desire to communicate together with her anymore in any different case she would be waiting to under no circumstances be attentive to and proceed that habit with the subsequent who falls for her and tries to be friendly together with her. people ought to be recommended while they're jerks in any different case how can they ever study? If she makes a drama, stroll away and forget approximately her then. stable success!

Answer 7

If your friend is cronically depressed, nothing you do is going to change that. Be realistic and look at life from her point of view. Read a book on depression.

Answer 8

If i were you I would give your friend ONE more chance by dropping by there unannounced. That person is probably mad about your moving, but it could just be that they are busy with life.