What To DO When Someone Is Raped?

Question

My wife was raped TWICE....once when she was ten and again when she was nineteen. She never told ANYONE - just me 22years after we had been married. I am troubled and need help.

Answer 1

I'm not surprised your troubled - it's never nice to discover that someone you care about has been hurt, especially in such a horrible way.

As for what your should do - that entirely depends on what she wants. The first thing you need to find out is why she has told you now. It may be that it's bothering her more now for some reason, and she wants some help to work through it. Or, it may be that it's bothering her less, and she now feels ready to tell someone.

You should discuss with her what she wants to do. A lot of people on here have suggested the police. If she wants to do that, fine, but do not force it upon her. Rape is a very hard to talk about it, especially with strangers. A sad fact is that proving rape in court is extremely difficult, especially if the case is old. If she went to the police and decided to attempt to prosecute the rapists, in all likelihood she would fail, as this far on there will not be evidence. Could she really go through all the trauma of a trial, only to fail? This is the reason my mother didn't take her rapist to court. However, if she knows the identity of her attackers, it could be worth reporting it, as these individuals may already be on file for similara crimes, and the information your wife could provide may be very helpful to the police.

It may be worth seeing a councillor, or some form of professional help for your wife. Therapy after a traumatic event can be very helpful. However, again, this your wife's choice.

Ultimately, you must be very supportive of your wife, and try to provide her with any help she needs. How she proceeds is her decision. Just make sure you're there for her, support her all the way, and make her feel safe :)

Best of luck for you both.

Answer 2

You are troubled???
How in the h-ll do you think she feels!!!!!!
You have only known about it for a short while.....she has had to live with it from the time she was 10 years old!!!!
What made her decide to tell you after all those years of marriage? How did you react to it? You need to be very supportive of her during this "coming out" time and let her know that it is not her fault what happened and that she is a strong person for having made it this far past it. If you are having problems dealing with it for whatever reason...you need to seek counseling for yourself, becauser she already has enough on her plate to deal with without having to deal with your insecurities. I get the sense from the way that you capitalized the word "twice" that you somehow feel like she was somehow to blame for the second time; if not for the first time also. If this is your belief, then buddy, you are so far off track that it isn't even funny!!! No way was she ever responsible for either attack...but even more so as a ten year old...when she was just a small child and did not even have the strength to fight off such a brutal attack....and with it in her past and having had to have kept it a secret all those years, when it happened again when she was 19, she possibly retreated mentally into that 10 year old child again and again was unable to prevent it. It is amazing that she was able to even find someone to love and marry with that kind of background behind her and hidden in her subconscious. You are a very lucky man that she was able to overcome that to be able to become your wife and I am assuming after 22 years that you two have children. She has overcome alot in her life and she needs you more now than she has ever needed you. Love her, hold her, let her talk when she wants, and don't push her when she doesn't; always let her know that she was in no way responsible for what happened to her and that she is still the beautiful woman that you loved and married and that that will never change regardless of these new revalations.
If she knows who did these things to her....and she want to see them pay for it...you might consult an attorney and see if she can still press charges after all these years. She may just want to put it all behind her again and go on with her life. Do not push her to do anything that she does not want to do; but be supportive in what she does want to do.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

It's hard to tell anyone when you're raped, it's so personal, and so often, the men are believed, and women are treated like crap. All one has to do is see how society treats a woman after rape to make it so that very few women will ever want to report it. It's also a nightmare, one relived in the mind many times over many years, because they were not in control, a man violated them, force himself upon them, and they could do nothing to stop it. Imagine reliving that in your mind day after day. She should seek counselling if she has not done so already. You should also ask her if she wants to press charges. So far into the future, it may be impossible to do so, and she may find better closure to just leave it alone, but she may also only be able to find closure if she does press charges. If it bothers you, talk to someone, but please, not ever, at no point make your wife feel bad about this. Too many men get mad at their women because of rape, and no woman ever asks for rape, nor can they control it. No one asks for rape, regardless of race, culture, religion, age, income, and so on. When you talk to her about it, make sure she understands that you don't blame her. Some men say women ask for it, but that's like saying a bank deserves to be robbed simply because it has money in it. A woman is a woman, and she can't help that. Please rest assure her fears, and help her in any way you can. I know it seems like it took a long time to tell you, but now you know how much she trusts you, as that is one very hard secret to reveal. I wish you both all the best! God Bless.

Answer 4

I would be worried about your wife. My mother was abused 30 or so years ago. Now she is depressed, on meds and going through a really hard time. Things like that tend to be bottled up and come out later in life. Maybe together you can get some help to deal with what happened. She may not want to talk about it, but it is the best thing to do. It will help you to cope as well.

Answer 5

Well i hope she sought medical help after these rapes. Why did she never report these? Another thing, if this is bothering her after 22 years then she definitely needs to get professional help. Be kind and understanding to her needs and make sure she gets the advice of a licensed professional to help the two of you.........hope all turns out well for both of you

Answer 6

Why has she told you now?

There is no statutory limitation to sexual assault or rape. If she knows who the offenders are, if she chooses to, she should go to the police. This is not your decision though.

The offence when she was ten is of most concern, most sexual assaults occur when the offender is known to the victim. This is the work of a predator who is probably still active.

I agree with the previous respondent who says "She" should get counselling.

Answer 7

This is a problem for her not you. If SHE wants help SHE needs to get it. If you weren't the one who raped her then there is nothing for you to be "troubled" with. Don't start treating her differently now that she has told you what happened to her 22 years ago.

Answer 8

Do what ever she needs. You have been with her for 22 years and she is the same person from before you knew. She doesn't need for you to think or act different now. Be supportive if she decides to talk to someone. Just be there loving her.

Answer 9

Spilled milk is the situation here... if she did not report it when it happened then you need not dwell on the "would have, could have". Deal with what is at hand now.... Seek counseling for her and support her in her efforts. She needs to deal with this from within and a professinal counselor can help. As for you... you need to support her and be there for her.

Answer 10

Help her by getting to go to a counselor or a rape survivor support group. Talking about those feelings and what happened an help is the pain and guilt some people feel afterwards. (Happened to my sister.)