I am confused about my marriage?

Question

Idon't know what to do about my marriage for various reasons. I am now 54 and although I look good for my age, my husband is 41. We had not been getting on for a long time as we had control issues(he is totally controlling) also I found out he was having an affair so that would explain his aggression and constant criticism of me. Eight months after I discovered affair, he moved out although I said I could live with it, he said because he felt trapped in the marriage and wanted to try new things and take risks (whatever they are). After moving out he started to come back to our house every weekend and has become a reformed character. We sleep together, we go on holiday together, he is nice to me but wont talk about the future. He says things that suggest he will come back, but says he is not ready. I can't decide whether I should trust him because he could be playing for time till our daughter is 18 next year so that he wont loose out on the property.
Could he be so callous?

Answer 1

yes get rid of him.

Answer 2

I can certainly understand that you would be confused about your marriage, you are not on your own. This is a hard one.How long have you two been married ? The age difference had nothing to do with it or he would not have married you in the first place.There is certainly a serious problem or he would not have moved out when you said you could handle or atleast live with his affair. I personally think there is more to it. Perhaps with the way things are now, he feels like you are just dating again. You said he seems reformed and is nice to you again. Well so he should be !!!! The fact that he won't talk about the future is a worry though, perhaps he is not planning on a future with you.He says he is not ready to come back and yet he is reaping all the benefits of a married man, l hope you are not doing the chores for him. I can't say that unless he was prepared to give some sort of idea about the future that l would trust him. It seems to me that he could be playing you for a fool. As far as wanting to try new things and take risks , l would say he is already doing that and getting away with it. I don't know that l would say he is being callous but l would say there is probably a lot of dishonesty involved in what he is up to. Be careful, don't set yourself up for a big fall. Be serious with him and tell him unless he is prepared to give you some honest answers, he is history and stick to your guns. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Yes he could be so callous, at the moment he is having the best of both worlds. Because he has you and he's sleeping with you. But on the other hand during the week he has the life of a single man (and he could be out doing who knows what with who knows who). So I'm not surprised that his character has reformed. If he really wanted you back and wanted to with you I think that he would be ready to talk about the future. He's happy enough to sleep with you at weekends and go on holiday with you but he's not willing to give you all his time.

Because he has already had an affair and he knows that you'd take him back, and that you love him, I think that he is playing on that fact. You obviously still love him but for you own sake, don't you think that you deserve to treated better. If you want him, then you need to lay down a few ground rules and tell him that he either wants to be with you or he doesn't. It's not fair that he just comes around on weekends and then goes off you need to know where you stand. You need a husband not a part-time lover. If he decides that he wants to move back in and make a future with you then that is good. However if he turns around and says something along the lines of I need time, I'm still not ready, you just need to tell him that his time has run out and you refused to be used anymore.

Answer 4

Of course he can be callous. Men and women have been callous to those who profess to 'love' them through the eons. Why should he be any different.

He is certainly proving this to the case for him.

So the BIGGER question is.... why are YOU doing this?

What is the gain for you in having a continuing relationship with this gutless manipulator?

Don't kid yourself that you can't decide whether you trust him or not. It is a no-brainer (as out american cousins like to say). If you trusted him you would trust him. Simple. As you question it - YOU DON'T!! You just wish that you could.

Stop him from messing with your head - and probably your daughter's too - children learn from what they live... so how is he teaching your daughter to expect a 'real man' to be??

Take some positive steps, for once. In fact - take thousands so that you will be as far away from this bloke as possible... emotionally and psychologically if not geographically.

And stop having him back every weekend. If you want to occasionally, fine. Tell him not to come around sometimes.... let him know you are not interested in sleeping with him on some weekends. Go out with freinds - go visiting for a weekend to relatives from far away. There are loads of cheap 'city-breaks' or even sea-side B&B's this time of year. Take your daughter, too. Be unavailable. Take back some control, here!

Answer 5

Yes he can be so callous! But I am not there - you have accepted his affair in the past so he may just be taking advantage that you will accept it again and again. You should lay down some ground rules. You deseve to be treated better than that. Change the locks, if he doesn't want to participate full time, he sure as heck doesn't deserve part time. What have you got to lose at this point? Your daughter is a big girl she probably knows alot more than you think she does. Do what you feel is right. He sounds like a swine. GOD BLESS!!

Answer 6

Yes! I would say you are confused. read what you wrote. He may have had an affair and you seem to be OK with that. You blame his aggression and criticism on the affair. He has made an effort in a Hugh way for himself, his marriage and you. is it him or you who mention the property was there a threat made by either one of you re-guarding the losses of divorce. What have you done for him and his feelings of being TRAPPED? Take a better look at your self and your ways. You want your marriage, then work on what you can do and don't be so controlling and judgmental. take a step back and look at what it is that you want out of this. Is it the property or is it wanting this marriage.

Answer 7

Well you should check out this website, its a Bahai faith site, I am a Bahai, so when searching for something for myself this is where I turn.

http://www.bahai.org/

go to the individal, family and society

then marriage and family

Creating violence free family.

And read.its an excellent article and gives you lots of insight. And even though at first it doesn't appear to be what your looking for or the fact that its so long.becomes too overwhelming-trust me it is just what the doctor ordered.

I skipped that article so many times for many reasons, I thought oh he's not abusive abusive, oh its so long , oh I just whatever.
read it.

As far as the property its possible.

I'd tell him that although you love him , you need stability, and right now he isn't giving you that, or your daughter.

Say that you are gonna have your fun.too. and stop making things so easy for him.

But cover your bases, don't lose out because he is selfish.

show your daughter how to be a strong independent woman.

and read the article.

It is so awsome, it helped me out , i was able to flip the script.

I'll bet you can too.

good luck

Meg
[e-mail]

Answer 8

To be honest with you I would try forget about him and find someone new. It should be him paying for his mistake instead it sounds like its you who is. You are doing all the worrying about the future and wether or not you two will still be together. Take control and start making the decisions that you deserve to make. Show him that he doesnt have the final say. And could you ever trust him completely again? Do you want to risk entering a relationship were you are completely controlled by your husband again?

Answer 9

Confused, I do not think so. I think it is a matter
of accepting the fact that your husband is un-
faithful to you and likes to control you and is
waiting for the opportunity to gain from you. You
must have done something right to reach the
age of 54. You still have ur life ahead of you.
Go on with it and do not let him mess it up,
because if you stay with him he will do any-
thing he can to continue using u. You say you
are still good looking for your age, well there
are plenty of other men that are out there for
you , just be careful in the choosing as the
younger one you have now is trying to use you.
Good luck. Think about yourself first then
you will know what to do.

Answer 10

Yes, he could be that callous.

Not saying he is being so, but he could.

Not sure what your daughter's age has to do with the property settlement? Must be something in your local laws, I suppose.

I'd stop seeing him socially. He left. End of story. Get yourself a new date.

At the moment he has his cake and is eating it too, so why should he make any changes at all? You are letting him live life exactly as it suits him, with no respect for you as a person at all.

Answer 11

Nancy I have answered you other question posted after this one.....

He is stalling he has the easy life at the minute I bet you pay for everything for him

He is using you, start making plans like he isnt there even if that means putting by savings in a family members account cause you are going to be on your own shortly......

Cause he has been controlling you are not used to thinking to freely yourself

Honey please take notice of these warnings, he will not come back he is stalling.......

speak to us on here or I don't mind you emailing me, if you need a shoulder, you need to be strong

Good luck xxxx