Family verbal abuse and intimidation excused?

Question

My father has become the worst person ever.
For every little thing we do, he yells at us (me and my mom) and tells us to shut up and curses. If my mother talks, he gets mad. If she doesn't he gets mad as well. If she cleans the house, he gets mad. He's such an a**hole and I really hate him now. Every friggin morning I wake up to him swearing at my mother because of any petty little thing. There is no physical abuse (yet) but his behaviour is taking its toll.
He was diaganosed with cancer and I guess it's untreatable. I used to be afraid of him dying, but with the way he is treating us, I'm sorry to say that it would be a relief at times and I hate myself for thinking like this but what am I to do? He is soo mean and I cry a lot because of the way he treats us. He would never go to seek counseling because he doesn't speak English good and he's always bottled up his bad feelings (with everyone including us until recently). And my mother is taking all this crap from him because she

says he's sick and I think that causes him to become even ruder and meaner over time because he thinks he's got all the control. Mind you, my mother used to be the all pro-feminist type who used to say "I will never let a man abuse me" but since he's been sick, she's changed. I'm sorry he's sick but it shouldn't be a reason for him to abuse us emotionally. It
s come to a point where I completely ignore him because I've come to hate him so much. I can't stand even to look at him because I'm reminded of his horrible facial gestures when he gets mad. I feel so sad because at a time when we should be taking advantage of the short time he has left, he instead abuses us verbally and it's tearing me up inside. I don't want to go to a psychologist because I heard that they try to recommend you to a psychotherapist and I don't want to take any medication because it's not the answer for me.

Answer 1

You need some help with how to deal with this. You cannot change another person, but you can learn some things that will help you deal with it better.

Talk to a school counselor or clergyman about it. Ask for help. Tell your mother than you are asking for help because you cannot deal with it and ask her to go with you. If she doesn't, that's ok. You can get help for yourself.

Some kids fear their parents divorcing. I used to fear that something would happen to my mom and I'd be left alone with my father. I do understand. I used to pray that they would get divorced, and I'd feel guilty about that.

Feelings are just feelings. It's ok. But you should get some counseling and help to deal with it. If the cancer has caused a change in your father's behavior, he may need someone to discuss it with his doctor. Medication may be prescribed that will help, even if they cannot cure the cancer.

I pray that things will work out better for you.

Sue

Answer 2

Sorry to hear this....but it almost sounds like this is the only way your father can handle his illness....he is lashing out at the very people who love him, not realizing that he is only making things worse for all including himself, your father would never go to counseling simply because he is in a denial head space...and dosent want to face head on what the counselor will help him to face, he much rather be aggressive...trust me it's because he has feelings of hurt, feeling that life has cheated him, he's dealing with the fact of having to leave his family behind, he is probably trying hard not to show his weakness, or vulnerability...he also sounds like a very proud man....all i can say is when he behaves erratic try to tell yourselves it's the illness making him behave like this, and try to be patient with him don't lose heart...if he becomes unbearable let the rest of the family tell him that just because he is sick they will not stand for his behavior and what would he do without you...some times you have to be cruel to be kind.....i truly wish you all the best, and may God watch over you and your family.

Answer 3

Well you are going to have to decide if you want to keep on living with this or during one of your fathers sane moments talk to him. If he dosen't believe you leave a tape recorder someowhere and tape his behaviour then play it back to him and say "this isn't the father we used to know." The stress of his diagnosis could have set him off the edge. There had to be some thing that happened in his life in order to bring about such a change and it must be faced and dealt with.

Answer 4

I know wher you are coming from my parents to are in the same situation.My father is so mean to my mother and I.I've chosen to not carry ona relationship with my father which is so hard because we use to be some what really close but for my own sanity i had to love him from afar.
if at all possible let go of your father until he realizes that he is losing the relationshipo of his daughter,if never comes around to the realization then itt is his loss not yours your mental health is important also

Answer 5

I gotta tell you, I'd confront him, with something like, "Dad, you can't imagine how terrible this is for us too. We love you and the thought of you not being here is indescribable. We know you're scared, and hurting, but do you really want our last memories of you to be the ones of you taking your anger and hurt out on the ones who love you so much?"
If it's more than you think you can say, then get a card and put something like it in there.
He is hurting, and he is frightened, not just for himself, but as to what will happen to his family when he's gone. He just doesn't have the proper outlet for those feelings.
I wish it were different for you, and him. Best of luck.

Answer 6

Anger is one of the stages a person goes through who has a terminable illness. Some just stay in that stage longer than others. Are you in a city which is large enough to have support groups for family members to help them cope or near enough to one? There are also support groups for the patients. Why don't you talk to your father's general practitioner about this? He might be able to help. You & your family have my sympathy.

Answer 7

it is hard to tell u what to do. it is hard, but try to stay focused on yourself. what i mean is try to work and live as normal as you can, because if you ignore life now u will not have it after he is gone. keep firmly in mind what u want to do with your life and go for it. maybe it would be good for you and your mother to go counseling so you two could keep up with it. don't hate him. he is your father. where is the cancer? if it is on the brain that would explain his behavior. if not, what kind of therapy is he on? that can also affect his behavior. point is, live your life and to the full. he will be gone but you still have to live after that. it will maybe sound horrible, but don't trow your life away on hate and anger because of the dying man.

Answer 8

Sounds like he's in a lot of pain and very frustrated. Every time he yells at you, smile, look at him and tell him you are sorry and you love him. Sounds tough but 10 years from now you won't be looking back and feeling awful that you didn't help him die with dignity.

Answer 9

perhaps your mother knows what's bothering your father, that's why she's taking all this verbal abuse from him. don't be too hard on your old man, especially now since he has cancer. be as supportive as ever and he will realize the true value of his family.

Answer 10

i had this problem with my father i still don't understand what happened i thought it was because i was a girl because he did my mom the same way try sitting down and talking to him and see whats on his mind good luck