How do you get through Divorce with dignity and self esteem?

Question

I have been married for 26 years. We married young, right out of high school. During our marriage my husband left 3 times and threatend to leave at least 4 times.

During the good times, he is loving, attentive and my family really likes him. The first two times he left was in the first 7 years of our marriage. Each time he left he called about 2-4 weeks later and begged to come home. The first time I took him back no questions, I really loved and missed him. The second time I made him live in a seperate house for six months and we dated. Things worked out and we went for about 17 years without him actually leaving, however, he did threaten to leave.

He has now left again and said it was because he doesn't want that much responsibility. He wants to spend money when he wants and on what he wants without having to talk it over with me. The problem is he spend far too much money and we were quickly heading to bankruptcy.

He wanted to come home, I said No. Mistake?

Answer 1

Please don't mistake loneliness for love, because it really doesn't sound like he gives a sh*t about you.

You are convenient when he wants you, but when he gets restless, you get dumped.

Don't give him the satisfaction of being the more powerful. Take a stand, tell him to hit the road, once and for all.

You are a powerful, strong woman, who can take control of this situation. It will take one day at a time, but you will get through this. Don't fall for his crap, and take him back again. Things will just keep going round in this circle if you do. It's time to break the cycle.

If you feel like you can't do this on your own, I am sure there would be a support group of some description out there, you could ask for advice.

Remember, you are strong, beautiful, powerful.

Good Luck and HAPPINESS in your future.

Answer 2

26 years is quite a few years to lose. You may want to go with the option of marriage counseling? If this is an option?

It sounds like he may be hitting some sort of midlife crisis. I don't think you made a mistake by not letting him come back time and time again. A heart can only take so much.

I would expect that after all those years you have both collected quite a few household and personal items. The larger properties are a major concern also. I would recommend getting a divorce attorney. After you obtain an attorney you can actually begin to heal at your own level. The attorney will be expensive. 2500.00-3500.00, should be the total fees.

When you get the attorney you no longer have to directly communicate with your soon to be X. No more cross words, no more hurt feelings. You just have to be sure you are ready to go through with your intended actions. Back and forth actions only prolong the aggravation.

Answer 3

I believe you have made the right decision. However, there are always two sides to a story. You might be "driving" him away without even realizing it by "nagging" or by being argumentative with him. You sound like you are the mature one in this relationship. And he obviously has no control over his impulses to buy things that develop into too much debt. If you can't accept him just the way he has been all these years, without getting into heated debates with him, then you must let go. I do think he loves you, for he always wants to return to you. But think about what things are said prior to him wanting to leave you. Re-evaluate your way of communicating with him. And see if the things you say to him are hurt full or you put him down for not being able to handle his spending of money. Most relationships that break up were due to financial matters. Keep that in mind. And think if you really want your life without him. It's a shame to see a long relationship such as you have had break up. Maybe consider counseling if you want to make things work out. Good luck!

Answer 4

Find a good lawyer. He will drag you down financially and mentally deeper and deeper. You should've left him a long time ago but it's too late to say that now. However, it's not too late to leave him now. You're only....what?--44, 45 years old? You could still start over. You only have this one life so make the best of it and make it right for you. Don't let him ruin your life.

How to have it with dignity? Just walk away. Don't waste your time getting even.

Answer 5

Only you can decide whether you were right to say no. Personally I'd say, you go girl!

You're at an age when you probably only want to work another ten or fifteen years. If you keep this man around, you'll be working till you're 60 and beyond, because he will be spending your money as fast as you make it.

You're still young enough to start again with a new man who will love and appreciate you. Someone you can have new adventures with, then grow old with confidence. Someone who shares your attitudes to money and to life in general.

Work out a fair division of your property and assets, taking into account who contributed what. You will get less arguments if you can back that up with documentary evidence like bank statements. Work out where you are going to live and what to do with your property.

If you are still talking to him, try to agree on the division before the lawyers get involved - and get him to sign something. Lawyers love to make money and can talk their clients into being nasty even if they don't have that intention to start with.

My husband left me when I turned 40. I thought my world had come to an end. Since then I've had my share of love affairs and finally, got married to the most wonderful man. I recommend singles functions and dating sites, just treat them as fun and don't take risks.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Why is he any more of a pig than you? As a woman why is it that you have no respect for his wife? They are married. What business did you have messing with him in the first place?!?! I have a hard time with women who are willing to mess with another woman's husband and then get mad at his actions. I agree, he is a pig, but I think coming from you it may be the pot calling the kettle black. With that said, to answer your question, you need to cut ties! He has treated you like garbage. When his life is working and his family (him and his WIFE) are doing well he doesn't care about you at all. When things start to crash he runs back to you to make sure that he wont have to be alone. HE IS USING YOU and you've played along every step of the way. You are weak. Summon your inner strength. Figure out who you are, what you want and take a stand for yourself. If you think he is what you want you are wrong. He may be convenient or easy for you to want but ultimately if you care at all for yourself, this man is not the man you want to be with. Whether he leaves his wife or not you need to cut your ties. So what if you see him daily? Be courteous enough to say hi if necessary but leave it at that. No need to be mean or rude but this is not a healthy situation to keep yourself in. RUN. Good Luck and work on finding some self confidence and self worth....you deserve better!

Answer 7

From your question, I believe your hubby still show interest and have certain degree of love for the family though he has been a parasite draining out your funds and energy.

I believe, you still can enjoy your marriage and family life, if you are will to take effort and deal with the problem positively and constructively.

He cannot have to much free time or spends his days idling. You need to encourage him to get a job and generate income. If his time is occupied, possibly he will have less time to spend uneccessary. That will also help him to stand on his feet and have a healthy lifestyle.

Dumping him may keep you from some troubles, but that will do no good to him. Do you really have no more passion or cares for him now? Or do you truly want to call it a quit to your husband/wife relationship?

It is a tough decision, but hope you can be more merciful and encourage him to stand up and get a job to occupy himself. Wish you all the best!!

Answer 8

Nope, it wasn't a mistake to tell him no. Sounds like you're the stronger one with more of a sense of direction to life. When people get tired of something, they'll put a stop to it. You know you've reached that point.

Answer 9

my ex-husband has a gambling problem, that was the reason, he didn't want help to stop so we divorced, yes it was hard, but i played fair in the divorce proceedings, with respect ,dignity and self-esteem.

Answer 10

I've never had to deal with this problem but it does sound like a form of addiction. I would let him go. He has to hit bottom but you don't have to go down with him. Good luck and be strong.