A poem for your consideration?(sorry about spacing, stupid Yahoo)?

Question

My heart beats
It beats-demanding release
There is just no room left for all the Passion
The Passion wants out
no longer caring to be confined

No more monotony it screams
to the unhearing world.
No more expectations, no more paths
I want to stumble through the forest

Thorns tear my very skin off these bones
Rip the shreds of pride and dignity
from my hurtling body
Gorge out my eyes, tear my hair
Take my everything
Just dont take my heart

If nothing else goes onward
in that wild, thickened forest
let my Passion go

Let my Passion streak and battle
through the bramble until at last
it reaches the other side

If nothing else is left of me but that-
my heart, my Passion, my soul-so be it
So be itand let it soar

And if you dont allow
if your express permission is not granted
Then collect yourchains and shacklesaround you
Gather yourguns and yourknives
Calloutyour tanks andyour men
Make yourspeeches
Andpray
Becauseyou,myfriend,arenomatch
formyheart

Answer 1

You have some hidden talent here. Your last line(s) are very strong. I think you mean "gouge out" and not "gorge out" in Stanza 3. You have a lyrical quality through much of this. Is there a chance that you can add a few more sensory details - where did the thorns come from, for example - a thorny hedge of skepticism or a deceptively inviting rosebush? What color are the roses? Are they bi-colored - two-faced - or something else? Keep writing - I think you have great promise.

Answer 2

Excellent praise worthy indeed

Answer 3

Good work! But concentrate more on rhymes and rhythms.

Answer 4

I applaud your effort, never let the dream of writing die.

Answer 5

Good work!