Weve always been a 2 income household basically he's never had to be the "SOLE" provider. Last week he decieded he'd quit his job because he "didnt want to deal with the crap at work and I make enough money" without discussing it with me. I wrk from 7am to 7pm I am ALWAYS tired, there is as much "crap" at my job as anyother. I wouldnt mind holding things down for a while but he isnt helping me, while on maternity leave my job was the house&baby, I cooked, cleaned made sure he had dinner. For the last week I come home at 7am and the house is a wreck, the baby is still in the crib (poop diaper) the dog hasnt been let out. I spend an hr getting the house in order. By 9 I try to sleep, he decides to work on the car, run to home depot or play video games and he leaves the baby with me - He claims if I was that tired Id be able to sleep thru the cries, what can I say to him to make him help me w/o nagging am I being unfair? I just want him to keep the baby busy for the 6hrs I sleep...
2006-11-09 16:05:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
why u scared to nag! u have every right ur not being unfair HE is.
2006-11-09 17:39:07 · answer #1 · answered by Bubbles 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your husband is basically a lazy man. He has no sense of responsibility or he would not have just quit his job without finding another one first. I am sorry to tell you this but you have married a an immature man. You have become mommy. You take care of everything and he plays. You have to turn the tables on him.
You will have to suffer a bit but it may work. Do not do any more housework. Tell him once that you work 12 hours and his job will be to care for the house. Give him a list of all the things that need to be done. If he needs instruction in anything just ask but it's all his. If need be eat away from home for awhile and take care of the baby when he doesn't but do nothing else.
If it gets bad enough even he will begin to see he has to do something. Don't threaten....don't criticize...just...assume... and make him suffer the consequences of his own inaction.
And when he complains that this isn't done or that isn't done just tell him that you had noticed and when was he going to take care of it.
It will be a lot like training your child. But you must do it. You can't continue to do this. I can tell you one thing....once he finds out just how much you do he will be out looking for that next job. But you must do this and you can't back down. he will come around sooner or later. But the more you do for him the less he will even notice. Don't do that.
2006-11-10 00:42:00 · answer #2 · answered by John B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, my wife would kick me in the head if I did something like that. Its kind of hard giving advice when you don't know the nature of the relationship. I would say first thing is to actually sit him down and tell him that the way things are going is not working. If he wants to quit his job because of the crap that goes on then he was just hired as the house dad. Tell him what you expect of him. You work all day long and you expect him to contribute to the family. It is not the 50's any longer and men (myself included) are very capable of doing housework and taking care of the kids. I imagine you probably already have talked to him. Maybe its time for a little tough love. Since you make all the money maybe you should give him an allowance. If he does not do his chores then he doesn't get anything from you. If he wants to act like a child you may as well treat him like one. (thats ridiculous if you were so tired you would sleep through a crying baby) Maybe you should call his mom and have her smack him around....
Good luck with this (sorry if the advice was a little crude)
2006-11-10 00:16:22 · answer #3 · answered by wasatchjeeper 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If he is going to be a house mom, then he needs to play the roll. He has a new job, clean house, take care of the kid, and cook a meal for the bread winner. This gender role thing is for the birds. Remind him that you did on maternity leave and he should be capable of doing the same. You need a break like everyone else. If he wants to get another job and pay for a baby sitter and maid, then go for it. Someone has to be responsible and pick up the slack.
2006-11-10 00:10:50 · answer #4 · answered by Mr Cellophane 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
need to confront him and set boundaries, make it clear to him that this is wrong to expect u to work all day and come home and clean up at night. marriage is a giver and take , and when one person is doing all the giving and one is doing the takeing it can get old fast, and after awhile u will become so resentful, so confront now before it has a chance to get worse. no need to nag, just tell him how u feel and how tired u are. in life we need a mate who will help us through the hard times and take the inititive to see the odvious. we often think they should be able to see our problem, but they sometimes don't know how we feel, especially if they didn't have to help out while growing up. perhaps their mom did everything fro them.
2006-11-10 17:38:29 · answer #5 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband asked if possibly your husband is depressed? My husband had similar behavior when he was "downsized" from his job and I was working full-time afternoon-evenings and weekends. Men go through depression differently than women. Thankfully he treated and cared for our children well - he just ignored the cleaning, laundry, groceries and everything else for time on the computer... except for the days he'd go on "binge cleaning" almost in cloud of anger.
If your husband won't consider counselling... My hubby suggests separating may be necessary to make him wake up. Don't be scared about divorce though - Separation doesn't always lead to divorce. Sometimes it just gets the 2 people out of the "battle zone" so both can see things more clearly. Then they can come back together with a joint game-plan and appreciate each other more.
At the very least, if your husband won't consider joint counselling - maybe you should try counselling for yourself JUST to learn how to cope with all the stuff you're overwhelmed with. As hard as it may be to find time for that, your baby needs you to do that... for you and for baby.
"Hugs" for you!
P.S. Mine went to counselling, spent a SHORT time on anti-depressants and turned back into the loving "buddy" he always was. Was your husband a great partner in the beginning?
2006-11-10 00:37:03 · answer #6 · answered by Evy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Due to what you have described as his response to you're cries for help I'm not sure if he will listen to you any further. If you love and want to stay married to this man, and God bless you, then I suggest the two of you get some therapy, providing you have the time. You have my sympathies. I hope you find an acceptable answer for the both of you. Stay strong and good luck.
2006-11-10 01:29:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it sounds like you have a handle on what its like to be a single mom...what do you need him for..he is helping you with nothing....what good is he, the least he could do is help clean alittle and do the dishes and properly take care of the kid..you should tell him to make sure when he fixes the car late at night that maybe he brings his pillow with him cause thats were hes sleeping since he is taking better care of it then the house and the kid.....
2006-11-10 10:19:37 · answer #8 · answered by joeysstamp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, your husband's an ***. But, unfortunately, this is a problem for alot of mom's. Not the husband quitting his job part, but him not helping with the baby and house. I feel for you! But, if this has been going on for 15 mo., then it probably won't stop unless you put your foot down. good luck!! (i know you've asked for men's opinions...but I just couldn't help myself)
2006-11-10 00:13:11 · answer #9 · answered by jessicalynn 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's folding like a tent under the weight of life. Leave now before he drags you down anymore than he already has. You sound like a really nice catch. Start over.
2006-11-10 00:32:06 · answer #10 · answered by claymore 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
while your on the toilet ( since that's probably your only free time, lock the door too ) make him a job list of the things that need to be done. oh i'm so sorry for you , dealing with babies is sometimes easier... he needs to grow up. maybe you can put his video games on ebay to suppliment the income. best of luck.
2006-11-10 00:29:02 · answer #11 · answered by magdalina 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋