What should I do with husband of 21 years who cheated and got his lover pregnant?

Question

My husband of 21 years had an affair with a woman he met through work, fell in-love (lust) with, and she is now pregnant. My husband and I have been living separate for 8 months, ever since he found out this lover/girlfriend was pregnant. She is due next month. She has my husband convinced that this is a "miracle baby" because she has a split uterus and other female organ problems. He still calls and visits me and our two children on a daily basis. He often sleeps home during the week and we make love. I still love him and I know he loves me, but he is torn between me and our kids and this "other woman". He claims he wants to come home to us (his family) but not until their baby is born and his sees that she and the newborn are doing alright. He says his feelings are on hold and he is very confused. He feels a great responsibilty to this woman and their baby. I believe my husband is trying to be sincere and honest. Should I hang in there even though his love-child is on the way?

Answer 1

I want to tell you to dump him because he cheated on you and you deserve better, but you know what? You also deserve to make your own decisions and if you love him, then stick with him for now. You can always break up with him at a later date, if need be. You probably just need time to figure out what you want to do.

I'm sure you're getting a great deal of advice right now... probably more than you need. Therefore, I'd suggest pulling away a bit... not from him, but from the pressure of making a decision. After all, you're in the right here. You don't have to make a decision right away. Give yourself time to figure out what you want. You're in a difficult situation and you have every right to take as long as you need to figure out what's best for you and your kids--be it months, years, decades.

Answer 2

This is from an article about what to do when husband cheated, hope it helps: "When you learn that your husband cheated, the partner you built your life around was unfaithful to you, the sense of betrayal can be almost unbearable. In a single moment, you are ripped from the life that you knew and have felt safe in. Your relationship and marriage was an important foundation for your life. Now it feels like it’s all gone. What can you possibly do? Is She Better Than Me? This is one of the first agonizing questions and negative thoughts that posses you all day. Thoughts that are causing you to doubt yourself and your self-worth. Generally, the person your husband cheated with is not: • A bedroom goddess • Better personality • More talented • Or anything “better” than you However, if you look at some of the reasons for why someone cheated, you don’t usually hear, “Well, she was just really hot” or “She could clean the kitchen like no one else.” Most of the time, the cheater can’t give any reason that could even remotely validate their brainless choice. But enough about your cheating spouse. Let’s move on to you, and what your deeper needs are, today and in the future. What YOU Should do Next When everything you counted on has been shattered by cheating, you may feel that you actually have to start your life from the beginning. These are critical and emergency steps you need to take – to start your life from scratch, rediscover who you really are and move forward in your life. A life where YOUR needs and wants are taken into account. Step 1: Face the Pain You are in a world of hurt right now. The emotional pain is no less than physical pain. In fact, it can be more so. At least with physical pain, you can take a pill to deal with it later. It’s the emotional pain you can’t ignore or escape from. The thoughts are quickly becoming obsessive in nature and they haunt you all day. Although it sounds too painful, you must face the pain. You have to deal with it and define the emotions you are feeling. Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but acknowledgment is the way toward acceptance that you are going through hell, and that will lead to healing. Step 2: Take Time to Gain Perspective..

Answer 3

To begin with you are a remarkable wife. How many would hang in their with him even for just the affair...but pregnant?

Regardless of any answers you get here you know what you want to do....what you want to believe......and more than likely what you will do.

However if he is confused I can only imagine what you are.

If he feels responsibility for the mother and child he is to be commended. Many men would have cut and run to never come back. The big question is where will that responsibility end...or will it.

If the mother is not married she will need financial help with that child. I am not sure of any legal responsibility he has but I am sure he will not let it go.

Do not go back with him until all this is resolved and you know where he is with it. You and your children's lives are affected by this also. You have a big problem here because your husband has split responsibilities here.

You could look at this as though this was his first marriage and had a child their. But it is far from that and will test your love.

Answer 4

Yep, you go right ahead and hang on there...that is until you decide that you don't want to be miserable and live in limbo anymore. Once you figure out and decide that you deserve BETTER that what your loser husband has to offer (which isn't alot considering he can't even hold up his end of a marriage vow), then take your own life back and live it like you love it....and the next time you think of your husband, remember these words...Spousal Support!!! Oh yeah, and as far as your husband "loving you," I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when a person loves something, he/she certainly does not jeopardize losing it. I wouldn't hardly say that he loves anyone, because he doesn't even love himself (if he loved himself, he wouldn't have cut his own throat by smearing his own morals in the mud). Best of luck to you. Know that you are worth far more than he will ever deserve!!

Answer 5

Do you know that old saying which goes, oh! what a tangle web we weave when at first we practice to deceive, applies to your husband to a T. what makes you so sure that he will leave his mistress when that baby is born? Some men are not to be trusted, when they look elsewhere for sex, why can't they be satisfied with what they have at home? If I were you I would not take him back, because if he cheated on you what makes you think he won't do it again. Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for the sake of your kids, which is what matters.

Answer 6

I don't think you should. I think that you should think about yourself and where this is going to take you. He's a man. He should know what he wants and seriously, you shouldn't give him the chance to chose. You should leave him. It's obvious that you love this man and you two have history, but he cheated on you and because of him, you are going to go on an emotional rollercoaster. Not only did he cheat on you, but he was cheating on you having unprotected sex.

You are his wife and shouldn't be acting like his mistress. You are worth more than that. You deserve respect. If I were you, I wouldn't allow him to sleepover, sleep with you, or get away with this. You should give him an ultimatum or something. You need to let him know where you stand. He can't just be with you one day and the next his new baby mother, unless you are willing to accept it. And if you are, then don't complain about it.

You need to think about securing yourself for the future. Anything could happen. He's telling you that it's until she gives birth and is okay, well what if its not? That's what he's telling you. You have to prepare yourself for the worst. He has a child coming. You should take him for child support NOW, because he might stop supporting you. I think you should move on or at least, be prepared for the worst case scenario.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

To get over a betrayal like that takes more than 2 years, according to my friend who is a family therapist. If you can make love to a man who betrayed you, I guess go for it. Me? Was married 18 years...he was the love of my life -- I thought. The instant.... the very instant.... I found out our marriage was crowded, I left, moved to another state, divorced him, and found a prince. I cannot say the last two years were easy, but I go to sleep in the arms of a loving man, a bright, educated, wonderful man I love, I wake in the middle of the night, and when I touch him I feel contentment. We are tender, loving, kind and considerate of each other. It wasn't easy to just get up and leave, but to even think of making love to my husband of 18 years who had betrayed me, who had shared his mind and body with another woman made me vomit. Good luck, hon. Get into therapy if you hope to save your marriage, and be prepared for a long haul to rebuild the trust. From what you say of this situation, I think he's a rat. Should you stay???? only you know if you can heal, hon.

Answer 8

Send them a nice baby gift and an invoice for the divorce lawyer and back child support.

Why the hell would you continue to have sex with somebody who did this? Letting him see the kids is one thing. Letting him get it for free from you in hopes of hanging onto his sorry a** is a big mistake.

If my husband of 18 years did me this way I'd have two words for him, and they wouldn't be "Good Luck".

You can't be a doormat unless you're lying down. Give him the boot, sister.

Answer 9

While I was with my husband, he to got his girlfriend pregnant, and I was very bitter toward him, and even though he hurt me in this way, I still wanted my marriage to work. So if you really want your marriage you must work/pray for your marriage. My marriage ended up failing because he couldn't stop the abuse and cheating. But there are many marriages out there that have survived this same thing.
I recommend this book:
The power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian

Answer 10

Without knowing u personally I'm not going to tell u what to do but if I were in your shoes I would rather take control of my own situation and not put my whole life on hold for a man who can't honor his marriage vows.

Also, I find it ironic that u think he is being "sincere and honest" when he couldn't be sincere and honest with u to begin with. Good luck with whatever u decide for yourself.