How can I change my attitude about extended family I dislike?

Question

I have known my step daughters for 10 years they are now 27 and 30. I dislike the younger because she has always been selfish, vain ,rude and chilly(True Ice Princess). I have grown to dislike the elder because of the years of lies and hardships she has caused. I have been good to both and have been the family emotional punching bag until recently. I have had enough and I am tired. Their father will not try to help. I have tried to change my attitude, but I grow to dislike them with each attempt. I pretend to be interested when they call and I am nice when they are present. I literally get knots in my stomach and become quite tense and unhappy when there is going to be a family get together. My husband is of no use and he is aware of the issues. Yes, we have all shared our feelings and could never get past the anger and resentment. I am sure they would like me to disappear too, so what do I do?

Note: I do accept that the only common thread we have is their father. I accept the fact I have allowed myself to fall for their B.S. and I accept that I will not tolerate it any further. I do not have to accept or like them, but out of respect for their dad I would like to know how I might go about lessening the tension between us when I absolutely have to be around them? I avoid them like the plague, but one lives across the street so when they want something we are always accessible. If we don't answer the phone, they send their kids over to tell us they are calling because they quite literally want something.I have put up a surveilance camera so as not to answer the door when they do this. It's that bad .... I have also explained to them that they are to address all issues and requests directly with their father and that I have resigned as the family secretary. He does nothing and dumps it in my lap. He is two faced in this matter...

Answer 1

I see you are getting all the typical respsonses someone gets when having these kinds of problems. I would venture to say if any of these people were in the same situation they would not be dealing with it much better than you.

You are the only one that can change the situation and to do that you must take control of your emotions. There will be a price to pay in order to gain control of "your" life and you may not at this time be prepared to pay the price. Notice I said "your" life not "their" life.

You stated you have all engaged in conversation and attempted to address the issues with no results. Obviously they are not interested in change because they are in control of their life and your life. You have allowed them to make you a prisoner in your own home. You have turned over control of your life to them.

One of the respondents wanted you to believe this is a typical and acceptable way for families to live. If they choose to exist in that kind of enviornment let them, but you do not have to. They went on to say that in crisis familes come together. How sad they are willing to live in hell until a crisis comes along for a few days or weeks of coming together. They need help more than you.

Another suggested you join clubs and stay away. Basically they are telling you to run from your problem, leave your home and seek refuge some place else, become even more of a prisoner to them and give them more control of your life.

It seems your husband does not love you enough to make a choice between you or them. If you are in the right it should be easy for him to make a choice to support you in this matter unless you are no more than housekeeper, sex partner and cook for him. One of the prices you may not be willing to pay is to walk away from him if he refuses to resolve this matter. You have allowed him to straddle the fence long enough.

You need to set the ground rules and one of those ground rules initially should be they do not come to your home unless invited. Once again only you can enforce that rule.

The next thing you should do is immediately put your home on the market and move. Regardless if the relationship is good or bad living across the street from children is not healthy. It is only natural for children to take advantage of parents and parents wanting to be too involved in their childrens lives when living across the street or next door.

Sit down an make a list of rules. Give much thought to this list and do not be petty. Before you present the list to the children allow your husband to look it over and enter into constructive debate with him about the list. When the two of you can come to an agreement present the list with him present to the children and make it clear that unless these rules are obeyed they cannot come to the house.

It is human nature to take advantage of the weakest links and at the moment it appears you are the weakest link. I watched as my Mother was taken advantage of by my two sisters until she died at 87 years of age. She chose to be their prisoner because she did not think herself strong enough to pay the price to break the chains. The last eighteen years of her life were her happiest because I got her far enough away where they could only see her once or twice a year, but still they harrassed her via telephone. I never had that problem because when my Father died at 14 I broke those chains and did not allow them to control me ever again. To this day they have more respect for me than they do their husbands or even their children. Their children ask me how is it they do not treat me as they do others. The answer is simple I love myself too much to become anyones prisoner. Respect should be earned, but as a general rule people do not respect people who do not demand respect.

Answer 2

Try these steps. (p.s. The first one is already taken.)

1. Take ownership of the your feelings involved in this. Admit that you are responsible for the feelings you have, whether they are positive or negative.
2. Try to pinpoint exactly which specific reasons cause you to dislike a person. Once you understand the character traits that cause you dismay, perhaps you can try to understand what this means to the person you hate. Do they behave this way out of spite? or necessity? (Unfortunately, some people are not taught the same diplomacy skills in the formative years, and only know how to get what they want by more destructive means).
3. Accept them for who they are and simply set the limits on this acceptance. You definitely cannot change this person, no matter how much we wish we could; you can, however, change your attitude ABOUT their attitude(s). Try to laugh it off, or make a joke about their behaviors when it would otherwise become uncomfortable. (Use this at your own risk).
4. Grow beyond being affected so negatively by this and move on. Give them what they're due and do not expect to bond or relate anymore than they are willing to. Recognize these boundaries, respect them, and set your own while at this.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Avoid them as much as possible and do what makes you happy . Forget about it . Put what bothers you to rest and get past it . Live in the now ; and go forward . Enjoy each moment that is . Not the bad ones that were .
Read " The Power of Now " ( book or CD-set ) , by Eckhart Tolle .

Answer 4

Your fam is just regular people, this is how most people are, they're FAKE. Join a spiritual group or a fun group and spend most of your time with them, but in the time of crises, your family will stick together. A crisis seems to make people smarter.

Answer 5

You must practice ACCEPTANCE. Some things you can change, and others there is nothing you are able to do.Control the things you can, and let go of those you can't. Take control of your own mind, drop " what if... " and ask " what is?"

That's the way it is, so ACCEPT it, and get on with YOU. Enjoy YOU, and take yourself to the next level of happiness.

Answer 6

if your loved ones is dysfunctional then i assume you are able to not incredibly assume them to act any incorrect way. tremendously plenty, your fiance could understand this approximately you with the help of now...confident he will experience undesirable, yet he could style of get the image that they don't seem to be like his family individuals. If he loves you as much as you say he does, then that isn't provide up him from marrying you the two. you ought to attempt speaking on your loved ones and telling them that that is YOUR determination and which you're marrying him no matter what, yet which you desire their help. And if that would not artwork, you circulate by with the marriage anyhow. After the marriage (after a pair years in line with possibility), they're going to in all possibility quiet down extremely, and initiate treating him like component of the family individuals...and circulate directly to a pair different drama. somebody else will carry abode a fiance that they might attempt to alienate, and your drama would be forgotten (exept possibly with the help of you & your honey). i understand, through fact my family individuals is comparable. good good fortune, to you! a minimum of you're blessed with good in-rules!

Answer 7

most Americans shoot first.and feel after.maby just print up an insurance policy with them as the benefactors and frisk them for payments every time they lean on you.