my husband and i have been having some problems lately mostly due to his drinking... so last sat i gave him a note and said we need to talk this week you pick the time and day... well its thurs and i have not heard one word about it yet so what would you do? just ask him and remind him or be pissed because he must not care enough to ask? or do i say y havent you made a time yet? and if he says he forgot wouldnt that piss you off i mean if my h gave me a letter like that i would be a nervous wreck thinking of nothing else til we talked.... i dont know my head hurts from thinking about this and i dont know what way to turn anymore.... if there are any men out there i would love to here from your side too please please please ps we have been married for 19 yrs almost 20 w/2 kids and he is an alcoholic not in aa he is active drinker...
2006-11-09 11:29:01 · 12 answers · asked by crazyme 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the reason i want to talk is about his drinking i am going to tell him it is the booze or his family and the reason i am "playing note games" is because i never see him sober so i thought if he picked the time and day it would work better i asked him in the note to not drink anything that day before we talk... srry but i dont find anything about what i am going through a game of anykind
2006-11-09 11:39:24 · update #1
the reason i am talking to him is to tell him that its the booze or me. and the reason for the "note games" is because i want him to be sober when we talk so i figure that way he would be if he picked the day.. i dont find anything that i am going through a game of any kind....
2006-11-09 11:41:56 · update #2
If you never see him sober what would make you think he was sober when he read your note. He probably doesn't even remember you gave it to him. Catch him first thing in the morning before he gets out of bed and tell him you need to talk right now. Do not let him get away until you have said what you need to say. Tell him straight up that he needs to get counseling and attend AA meetings and if he refuses you will be moving out. Tell him when the next AA meeting is and see if he attends it or not. Make sure you are ready to move forward with your plans. Don't turn back. Its not your job to make him quit drinking but you can stop enabling him by looking the other way. You might have to move out to make it clear enough for him to see what he is doing to his life and yours. Be strong and do whats right. Good Luck
2006-11-09 11:52:55 · answer #1 · answered by smile4u 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would very calmly ask him if he got your note, and if he said he forgot he more than likely did, due to his drinking. Then I would say we need to talk and tell him whatever is on your mind and how you feel about things. 19 years is a long time, and with children involed I would say some changes need to be made. If hes drinking all the time, he needs help, and he has to want it. When your drinking you dont see that there is a problem, its not they dont care, but I dont know your relationship either.You may want to think how it got this far, but by no means dont blame this on you.Alcoholics will blame the ones their closest to. Seek advice from other people, from AA or maybe someone your close to and trust.You need to do whats best for you and your children. I hope the best for you and your family.
2006-11-09 11:54:49 · answer #2 · answered by mybudnoobs 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the previous responder - it's time to talk and not pass notes back and forth. Tell him straight out that his drinking scares you. he will probably deny he has a problem, but you should come armed with specific facts that support your position. Remind him of the time he wrecked the car, landed in jail, missed an important appointment, etc. Your kids probably have some stories of their own they might want to share. If you build a case and confront him he cannot deny it. But if you don't have such proof it may not be the drink that's the root of the problem
2006-11-09 11:39:33 · answer #3 · answered by loveourcountry 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
im not sure how u gave him the note but before you take any action u'll have to be sure he got it.
i also think u should wait untill the week is over and then ask him if he got your note and if he says he did, its important to ask why he didnt respond first. i find it strange that u have been married for this long and still cant predict his actions so u dont know why he didnt respond. asking him will get u to know him even better.
u have waited for five days, i say wait another two.
ps. im not sure about how things are going between u at home but i say dont show him ur worried about the note thing, because maybe he likes that ur worried (i hope he doesnt).
i wish u the best anyway.
2006-11-09 11:49:20 · answer #4 · answered by the tourist 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Why not go to AA yourself and find out why you stayed married to someone for 19 years and had kids with him. That's the real question.....he didn't start drinking yesterday did he? SO make it crystal clear to him that silence is an answer and he can pack his bags or deal with his problem today.
2006-11-09 11:54:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he's drinking then he's already try to avoiding something. Now you are asking him to set time to solve a problem.
He hasn't set a time yet.
Get a clue, he will only fix a problem that he is forced to fix.
You sit him down and address whatever you need to. If he's not ready, too bad, you already gave him a chance to set the time.
P.S.
The note thing is kind of childish
2006-11-09 11:47:27 · answer #6 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately what you are not understanding that since he is an alcoholic, he is NOT in control.. the bottle is in control. He is not purposefully ignoring you or hurting you. I would suggest you go to an AA meeting for relatives of alcoholics to give you better insight into his problem. Good luck.
2006-11-09 11:36:44 · answer #7 · answered by puresatin 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well I'm not a guy but if my man gave me a note like that yes i would be very scared wondering what it is we have to talk about ...........i think you should just pick the day and time for him and just let him know how you feel if you wait for his response it will never happen ............good luck
2006-11-09 11:34:53 · answer #8 · answered by mari 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hi i know what you mean i to saw my world at the end of a bottle and i thought nothing would go roung i was married i one daughter this went on for 8 years in the morning work when i got home for eight years my wife was very understanding but see saw i was killing my self my daughter didnt know me my wife left me everything was just rock bottom till one day my kid show up at the door she sez she wanted to pick up a few things i said sure
and i was drunk so she go to her room soon i hear crying so i go in an she tells my why im i hurting myself and mommy and me i said you what do you have to do with it and she just looked at me with those eyes thats when i saw what i jerk i was 8 years down the bottle and nothing to show for it i whent to her and i told her i will do something about daddy never gose back on his word and i did got my life back togeter my wife came back oh it was hard at first but i made it so i know ...........if you like show your husband this just to show if i can do it you can to my best to you
2006-11-09 11:41:41 · answer #9 · answered by finnlecarb 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
tell him again you need to talk but don't give him the option of choosing when, you tell him when and if he doesn't respond then, detach yourself and start going to alonon meetings for yourself they will help, you may find out that he is living in denial and is not willing to change, but you have to take care of yourself first , he is an adult and has to make his own decisions even if it means loosing you, don't subject yourself any longer to his dysfunctional life style you deserve better for yourself.
2006-11-09 13:26:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋