Do you like my poem? be honest I won't mind?

Question

My Universe
Listen to a summer song
on a winter evening.
Summarize your emotions
on a bunch of chords,
write a pathetic poem with effort
to try to sympathize with God.

Imagine yourself
on a ball-shaped Universe.
A grain of sand
on an empty beach.
So little, so ephemeral,
though so elegant and rich.
Imagine yourself this.

Can you feel the infinite?
can you feel how wide?
can you feel the insignificance
of the human kind?
Think about it, day after day,
Now can you tell me you don't feel afraid?

Answer 1

The ideas are interesting, but the language is awkward. If I had to guess, I would say that English is not your first language. Many of the phrasings are unnatural in English. "Imagine yourself this," for example, is a strange construction in English, but more natural in Spanish, where "imaginar" is sometimes used reflexively, as in "imagínate esto." It might be the same in other romance languages; I only speak Spanish.

Other parts that strike my ear as odd:

"On a bunch of chords" -- most people would say "over" instead of "on."

"Write a pathetic poem with effort" -- most people would use a verb that indicates effort instead of saying "with effort." Like, "struggle to write even some pathetic poem."

"of the human kind" -- most people would say "of humankind," but it doesn't fit your meter. Nevertheless "the human kind" does not occur in English.

Overall, I do like the poem and I think that it's headed in a good direction, but you probably should work on polishing your language a bit more.

Answer 2

I like it. The only thing I can find wrong is I don't like the ' summarize your emotions/ on a bunch of chords" part. I think if you put your mind to it, you can come up with a better way to say that. It's a little discordant with the rest of the poem. Good message.

Answer 3

I sorta get ur point but not really

u need to make it more obvious
remember you should treat ur audiance like idiots when ur writing

instead of trying to scare people into wanting God's protection make them long for it by the love He shows us

but the direction your heading for is pretty good
we r after all condemmed sinners
but luckily (even though there is no luck about it) we have a loving savior who died and rose so that we can spend eternity in paradise

Answer 4

Wow I've seen some pretty bad poems on yahoo but this is NOT one of them. This is AWESOME! You should enter it into a contest or something. I love every line, so true, I can really relate. It's hard to put stuff like this into words and you succeeded. (Take these words to heart because I'm a tough critic). =)

Answer 5

Yes, I like where you're going, but is there a solution to this sadness, or is inspiration just around the corner? We don't all feel the same, is there room for another opinion?

Answer 6

It's going in a good direction, but the imporant thing you have to remember about poetry is to write without ego. You aren't writing for yourself as much as for the collective.

Oh, and please don't go more obvious, whoever it was who said that is completely wrong.

Answer 7

i really like it...

but i didnt really like the part from 'on a bunch of chords' to 'to try to sympathize with God.'

... i just doesnt seem to flow... everything else is fine. i like the last verse a lot... :) and the first 2 lines...

Answer 8

It is E.E. Cummings and Roethke between one another, taking baby steps to greatness...

I like.

Answer 9

Wow that was soo good! I loved it I hope you creat alot more because your amazing good luck

Answer 10

yes it is very inspiring, i could publish it in a poetry book.