How can I trust my husband when he has lied to me?

Question

He has lied over small things but now I feel I can never trust him again and it is ruining our marriage! We have been married for almost ten years, I caught his first lie 5 years ago when I caught him with internet porn and he lied to my face then admitted to it now any "white lie" drives me to the point of giving up with him however we have three small children and alot to give up!

Answer 1

He has lied about porn? Keep things hopping in the bedroom and I promise that he wont think about porn

Answer 2

You need a thicker skin. Ask yourself why he would lie. Its easy, its easier to lie about it than dealing with you flying off the handle about things of no consequence. Let me guess you think porn is the same as cheating. Then you ask him about Internet porn, " No honey, I don't cheat". You've been together for ten years and still have not learned to accept him as he is. So what happens, he lies about the stuff he knows will be issues. Now the lying is the issue.
Perhaps you should lighten up, take stock of the good things , resolve not to sweat the small stuff, ask him to start with the truth each time and resolve not to have it out if you do not agree.
It sounds like you set up a lose / lose situation for him. Suppose you only catch half of his mistruths. He has avoided half of his arguments with you. When you catch him he gets the argument anyway. This is convoluted thinking but it must work for him or he would stop.
You seem angry with him on a number of fronts. His fight avoidance mode has kicked in.
If you can look in the mirror and say that you are not doing this then I am full of it. If there is a hint of truth here you know what to do ask for the truth then give him slack.

This question may be yet another example of " mountains out of molehills". Before your " mistrust " climbs to the level that you would consider divorce for "white lies" which to him avoid conflict, take a good look at the root cause for this behavior.

Answer 3

My husband lied to me about something 10 years ago & it was bigger than porn. I had in my mind that it was over for good but we separated for about 6 monthes and we did a lot of counseling. I am doing better and do trust him. But getting there is hard because like you said every "white lie" you will wonder and I was the same way and a few times would check on what he said. Like the 2 other responses you have to weight out your needs, your family, kids etc. and decide if you want to continue life "wondering" until you reach that point to trust or do you want to quit now? I know some men dont change but maybe he was curious and didnt want you to get upset...i dont know. But I always told my husband that I would rather find out the truth NOW than later because i would be gone next time. If you feel he is still lying go to counsling.

Answer 4

There are a number of reasons that people lie. The first is fear. This is the most common reason that people may lie, and they are taking shelter from a perceived punishment. It may be because they know they have done something wrong a single time, in which case it is not compulsive lying. But if they are always in fear of being punished, it may become a habit, which is a second reason for lying. In this case, it may become compulsive lying, which is lying by reflex. Even when confronted by the truth, they insist the lie is the truth in this case. A third case is learning to lie through modeling. When a people see others lie, especially when they get away with it, they may become more prone to lying. Finally, people lie because they feel if they tell the truth they won't get what they want. Thus, out of the main reasons for lying, only lying by habit can truly be called "compulsive lying."
Increased lying has been seen with a number of psychiatric diagnoses such as ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. With ADHD people will often say "I don't know why I did that", and when confronted about why they lied, their answer will be the same. Bipolar Disorder can be associated with low serotonin levels, which has been implicated in impulsivity, which, as indicated before, makes a person more prone to lie.
He needs to get help from psycholog to break the compulsion, you can be very helpful to him, if you are willing to cooperate in therapy.

Answer 5

Well, if you are concerned about your children, I suggest seeing a marriage counselor.

Also, I'm not sure what other lies you mean , other then the internet porn incident that occurred 5 years ago. 5 years seems like a long time to wait before you want to give up. Communication is key. See a counselor, talk to your husband, and do what you feel is right.

Answer 6

Everyone lies. "Honey, you look great!" said when you feel like crap and look like poop, but said to make you feel better.
You want honesty.
Here is some honesty. Men like naked women and if we could have sex with anyone young/old/fat/thin/ugly/pretty we would. HOWEVER, knowing that doing that will hurt the people we care for so we choose not to.
Porn is as much a fantasy for men as Romance Novels are for women. What about romantic main stream movies "Sleepless in Seattle", "When Harry met Sally", "An Affair to Remember". Aren't this just visual romance novels? Men aren't in an up roar about "Will she want me to romantic like they are in the movies?"
Women who fear porn must have a very low expectation of men, because they think men aren't capable of distinguishing the difference between fantasy and reality.
The only thing I see is that you are trying to fine an excuse to end your marriage that will point the blame at you husband. The TRUTH is when marriage ends it BOTH your faults regardless of all the drama you may add into it.
Is that honest and truthful enough for you?

Answer 7

NO please dont think of 'giving up with him'. As you spent enough time and surely might have enjoyed a lot.
Now stop thinking of your interests and start thinking and planning of your kids interest and work for their better future. Being a mom you have to sacrifice some thing to gain an other thing instead ~~ that is to provide a peaceful environment to your kids. If the gentleman is loyal to their interest then ignore the issues, you have in your mind. After all you are their mom and it needs much efforts for their education, health and train them to have a good moral, ethical and natural characters with high education degrees and decent personalities.

If you, with cooperation of your husband, achieve such goals then you will be considered a successful person. No problems, even you have suffered emotionaly for the sake of your kids.

Answer 8

I hate hearing about these stupid men doing stupid things when they already have a goo woman by there side. See I'm out here looking for a good woman like you, and he's got one and making both of your lives hearder than what it should be. To answer your question, I think that when you get married you should have; respect, love, TRUST, gratitude towards the other, and if you loose one, the others aren't long of a waite to be gone. You've got you and your kids to think about now, and you want happiness too, as well as a good life for your kids. Do you see any of this happening now, if not it time to move on, and it won't be easy either, but many woman have done it, and I think you can to. It will only make yu a stronger woman. good luck

Answer 9

This is really hard. Been there, done that. Time is the only answer. But, time only works if he does not lie again. Time won't help you heal if he keeps lying. The one thing I hate is a liar. My husband didn't sleep with anyone but he did enough with someone other than me that it tore our relationship apart for a long time. He has been making up for it ever since. It takes a lot of patience to heal. The only thing I can say is to weight the cost of ending the relationship. The cost for you, your children and for the future. You have to take care of your family, but you can not forget your own happiness.You would be a better mother to your children if you are happy. Best wishes.

Answer 10

You don't trust him yet you keep having kids with him. That's something you need to look at. That's a 'you' issue.

His issue is he will never stop lying to you - it will just be about different things - money, another woman, whatever.

If it drives you nuts you better end the relationship, since he will never change (despite his oh so sweet promises that he will). And learn something from it - don't let sweet-talking creeps keep charming your pants off over and over and over again.

Answer 11

Once the bond of trust is broken in a marriage, it is almost impossible to regain it. You need to tell your hubby that he needs to be honest, truthful and forthcoming with anything and everything. No matter how much it may embarass him or pain him to tell u he must be completely honest. You have to put yor foot down and demand honesty from him and tell him how u feel.