My husband (30) has spent the last two months texting ( sometimes 40 times a day) and calling a 19 year old girl, we have two children and I am 7 months pregnant with number three.
They both swear that nothing physical has ever happened, he went to great lentghts to hide all evidence but I had my suspiscions and caught him anyway.
I am absolutely devastaed by the lies and deceit that went along with it.
I class this as an affair becasuse he has betrayed me, how do I even begin to deal with this??
2006-11-09 05:12:13 · 61 answers · asked by horsegal 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First and foremost how important is his presence for you? You action should totally depend on that. he certainly has betrayed your confidence but the fact that they have not got physically intimate means they were restraining it for the sake of the marraige. So give the guy some credit there.... and he obviously knew he is not doing the right thing & that he is getting attracted to another girl so the hiding is natural!
If I were you, I would check to see if they have completely arrested contact. If so, try to see if I can give him a chance. But at the end of the day, if his deceit is all you remember when you see him & your good days & find memories do not seem to crop up then just give it up & let the guy free to do what he wants & if that is staying with you & your kids then tell him you need time & space & wait a few months to decide what you really want.
2006-11-09 05:26:06 · answer #1 · answered by Mock-mast 3 · 1⤊ 3⤋
You say 'you caught him'. Did you access his messages? Could you tell from how they communicated that it was an affair? Were the messages flirtatious? I mean the way he related to this 19yr old in his messages. Because if they just talked/wrote about general stuff then there's no need to suspect it's a relationship. Maybe they are just friends. Be careful not to be too suspicious and showing no trust. Snooping in it self is lack of trust! How could you? If he is innocent, your jealous or mistrust could easily push your man into another woman's arms!! Maybe he was hiding because he not you don't fully trust his word. Liers will ALWAYS be found out. If he's lying to you it will come up at some point! Don't be too aggresive and naggy, amd maybe your being pregnant has made you less sex-active hence he feels a bit pushed aside. Sometimes we pregnant women and new mothers are to blame for the way our husbands behave. We forget they too need to feel loved, wanted and cared for. If he can't get attention from you, he'll fall for the nearest attention he can get! That's not an excuse for men though...I am just trying to provoke you to try see the other side of the coin!! If you don't trust him you will never come to accept it even when he is really right because your mind is made up. Don't just take off from the marriage. See if you can save it, talk it over but not when tempers are high!! Good luck!!!
2006-11-10 05:24:11 · answer #2 · answered by simbi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even though he says nothing physical happened between him and this girl, he has betrayed you, lied to you, and given more attention to this little snip than to the woman he has promised to "forsake ALL others" for.
He is having an emotional affair, which can be just as devastating, if not more so than a physical one.
You CAN get through this. You are an attractive, loving, lovable, and VALUABLE human being.
As for the marriage, I can't predict what will happen. I would strongly suggest you get some couples counseling. If your husband won't go with you, go alone.
If he goes with you, you can find out together what made him decided to do such a monumentally hurtful and stupid thing. If he regrets what he did, and wants to make things right with you, the marriage has a chance.
Even if he doesn't want to go with you at first, the counseling can help you figure out how to deal with your own feelings, and help you decide whether or not to forgive him and try to save the marriage (or not, in a worst-case scenario).
You didn't say if your husband felt bad about this or not, so I can't say with any certainty what will happen.
Above all...don't blame yourself. He chose to interact with this other person. Nothing/nobody forced him to do it.
I hope things work out for you. Good luck!
2006-11-09 05:37:55 · answer #3 · answered by devil_bunny_99 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your husband had nothing to hide, then he would not have went to extreme lengths to cover up his 'affair'. He has lied and cheated and these are wo elements of a man having an affair. In marriage terms when you both took your vowels you both agreed to be together for one another and you gave yourself to him and the same for him. Therefore him having a females number who is 19yrs old is an affair and this is adultery; he betrayed you. The way in which you can deal with this is to simply sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel with no interruptions. You need to remove those underlying feelings of hurt from within your soul and he needs to be 100% honest with you and what he wants. Please do not stress because of the baby but also try and seek some advise and support from a family member who you are close with, they will have your best interest at heart and at least you will be supported. Take care and i hope all goes well for you and the baby and also you other little ones.
2006-11-09 05:25:12 · answer #4 · answered by vic 1 · 1⤊ 2⤋
First congrats on your pregnancy, I hope you both are healthy and well. Now to address the text issue. If he is going to great lengths to hide a text from this chick, your intuition is correct about this situation. It is more than just texts. In his mind a simple flirt on a text may seems okay, but because it is damaging the relationship between you and him, it is not. He should understand that ON TOP of being his wife, you are going through a very emotional time. Our bodies during pregnancy go through some crazy stuff. He needs to support you and your feelings. Here's a challenge: If he is stating this thing is innocent, ask him to allow you to text her on his phone. Text to her something like Hey sunshine, or whatever. Don't text anything provocative or too flirty. The second text to her should say just Miss you. Because us women have a tendency to be excited to hear from someone we care about, if it is more than just friends, I guarantee, two or three texts in the real intent will show itself. Now, here is the dilemma, is your heart strong enough right now to know the truth? Meaning are you strong enough to confront this issue and see it through. Your marriage is obviously very important to you or you wouldn't be seeking advice so I say fight for it! Be strong, tell you husband that this is hurting more than he realize and he is running the risk of damaging what you both have work hard at building. Simply put this chick should not be soliciting any type of conversation with your husband that you can't be apart of PERIOD! Ask him would he feel comfortable if you chatted on the phone with a past fling. If he states its two different things, tell him that his conversation with her hurts you as much as it would hurt him if you did that. Remember, a woman who stands a chance of loosing something she cares about will lie about it too. I have had a situation where the "Other woman" stared me directly in the eye and promised me that nothing was going on....well she lied. Believe your heart, I know you want to trust the person you have given your all to, but sometimes men can do stupid things that can snowball out of their control. Stand up for your heart and let him know the consequences of his actions. If he loves you (I’m guessing he really does) he will break this tie between her and him. Good luck and again congrats on your new little POOKY!
2006-11-09 06:21:26 · answer #5 · answered by annesome 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You said "They both swear that nothing physical has ever happened"
Which to me means you know and spoke to the girl too. How do you know her? Is she a cleaning gal and he texted her to give her directions on what needs cleaning? Just a dumb scenario I know, but 40 times a day is excessive... But you said they both swear nothing ever happened...
Doing it for two months is odd too. He's concealed it for some reason and so did she (especially if you know her.)
I once worked with a guy who texted a gal who he was also sleeping with and half the town knew about it, but his wife didn't catch wind of it for several months.
The guy denied it but everyone in town kept seeing them drive off together or follow each other out of town on trips. Her parking her car miles away and then driving off together for whole weekends.
I'm not one to judge people in personal matters such as this, but I am willing to add insight and other possible scenarios that others may or may not think about while trying to solve problems or issues that bug them.
Having an ex wife that had an affair with a married man whose wife was home pregnant with their first child... Causes some deep curiosity regarding your husbands behavior.
Plus knowing how the guy I used to work with had the affair, while his wife was pregnant with their fourth child, one in which when her pregnancy went full term and she was in delivering the baby, he was off hosing the chick...
Makes me realize that you know more about this than we do and his actions aren't respectful; per the information you provided.
How do you deal with it? Ask him (and be very firm) to leave.
After that take things day by day by carefully watching and scrutinizing his actions and reactions. Which includes how the girl acts and reacts.
2006-11-09 05:51:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
An affair begins in the heart and mind. The fact that there are things going on that he had to hide from you confirms what type of encounter he was interested in having ultimately.
Now is a time to be honest with yourself. Is your husband a serial cheater? Is this a pattern of behavior that he is not willing to give up? If so, adultery is one of the few reasons biblically acceptable for divorce. Marriage is about companionship, love and committment. Without these things it is difficult to have a real marriage. If this is a pattern of behavior, there is likely nothing you can do but pray for him, and decide whether you want to remain in a marriage where you know your husband will not be faithful.
That being said, none of us are perfect and all of us make mistakes in life and in our marriages. Anyone is capable of change. If your husband is willing to admit his wrong and change his behavior, I would pray for him and for yourself, and seek marriage counseling. There may be some things you can change that would make him less prone to seeking comfort elsewhere. Sometimes we make decisions that stem from other problem areas in our life to try to regain control. If you are able to forgive him, you should do that and focus on building a marriage that will withstand difficult times and provide a safe haven for your children.
While you decide, make sure you take good care of yourself and your children, and try to remain calm. Your baby depends on you. It helps when you are going through difficult times to remember that all things happen for a reason, and God doesn't make mistakes. Trials only come to make you stronger. You will get through this.
2006-11-09 05:37:16 · answer #7 · answered by 10timesalady 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
i wouldnt use the word affair but its very dishonest of him and you are going to struggle to regain the trust you once had for him. He's gone to lengths to hide this from you, i would ask him why? if its so innocent then why hide it? Im sure your feeling devastated with all this to deal with and the burden of a pregnancy doesnt help. If you're sure that nothing else came of these texts i would give him another chance. You have your children to think about and it would be such a shame for your family to fall apart over some silly text flirting. Keep strong and lay down the law. good luck xxx
2006-11-09 05:20:55 · answer #8 · answered by louise 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Ahhhh i think of it is going lots deeper than that. you would be having an affair without there something actual occurring. in case you start to speak in self assurance to somebody and tell them each and all of the matters on your marriage. in case you betray the secrets and methods of the horrors on your marriage this is adulterous and an affair. in case you're kissing somebody passionately with the desire of it being sexual this is an affair. in case you're assembly up with somebody and not telling your companion this is an affair. in case you're sending secret e mails and texts and having secretive telephone calls this is unfaithfulness. i comprehend I easily have been there and completed it. Any act that betrays the have faith between one and there companion isn't being truthful. i think of, from time to time, the emotional betrayal is in many situations worse than any actual betrayal.
2016-10-21 13:14:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is in fact cheating on you 1) he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship and 2) why is trying to hide evidence of his communications with her.
It doesn't matter that she is corraborating his story of nothing happening (women lie too). 3) What the hell does a 30 year old married father have to talk about with a 19 year old GIRL?!
I wish I had some helpful advice for you because it sounds like this has devastated you.
You will have to work through this and get your husband to admit what he's doing and then the both of you will have to decided if its possible you can go forward in your marriage.
I wish you the best.
2006-11-09 05:34:23 · answer #10 · answered by Lucy E 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋