I am too independent. How can I get to a more "normal" (that is a common) level of independence?

Answer 1

What I think you are describing is independence versus interdependence.

Some people are very independent by nature; they like to do things for themselves, they like to feel in control, they like to forge ahead with or without someone along.

Others sometimes become independent because they could not rely on anyone but themselves as children. Independence was necessary for survival.

Independence is good, but taken too far, it can make a person unhappy and lonely. It also robs them of experiencing the benefits of other people's expertise.

Interdependence is the idea that we can maintain our individual independence but choose to "weave ourselves" into the lives of people, in order to enjoy community and trust. It is the notion that, while we are all different and individual, we need and benefit from being in relationship to each other rather than being alone.

I would say your method of becoming less independent and more interdependent depends upon why you are independent. Those who were "forced to be independent" because of trust issues now have to overcome those learned behaviors and bad feelings. Those who just happen to be independent and haven't exaggerated their independence (to escape others) tend to already have an instinct for relating to others.

Ways to develop interdependence:

1. Find people you can reasonably trust. No one is perfect, and people will still fail you... but the issue here is commitment and intention. Do these people care about you and have good intentions towards you and are they committed to building a relationship with you? If so, then that can give you strength to rise above any occasions on which they might 'fail' you.

2. Choose to not do some things for yourself, even if you are quite capable. In other words, instead of doing something alone, without involving others, allow others to participate. Parents do this with their kids -- even if Johnny really stinks at washing dishes and Dad has to do them over after he's done, the goal of this is to build a relationship and enjoy each other's company, not necessarily to get the job done best or most efficiently.

3. Accept that relationships mean a loss of some control. With healthy people, this is a choice, not a compulsion. (Codependent people, for example, are compelled to give up all choice to another person and then try to manipulate them.) A healthy person understands that the other person might do things differently or not as well as they could alone, but the aim here is to enjoy being with each other and building trust, not in necessarily accomplishing something as best as possible. Get used to the idea that you will have to relinquish some control over the "neatness" of your life.

These issues are hard for some people. You first need to be sure that you want this level of interdependence. Then you have to decide what you are willing to commit to and persevere with. And you need to make sure that the people you are making yourselves vulnerable around (i.e., depending on) are people you are willing to trust and whose mistakes you can accept.

I came from a home situation where I was completely independent and had to care for myself. I felt very adultlike at an early age, and I was very competent and capable, and enjoyed that much. But I became very lonely as I got older.

Marriage and parenting has been a lot of hard work, to realize that my extreme independence was preventing me from experiencing the joys of loving someone and being loved by them. It can take a long time, realistically, so simply learn to accept that and continue to determine your commitment levels to others.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Being independant is overrated. I say take care of yourself. Get your own house, job, and vehicle. And other than that, depending on or confiding in people isn't a bad thing to do. It's part of a healthy life to do so. You can't go around doing everything yourself, it's simply not practical.

Answer 3

I do not believe that one can be too Independent, especially a female. Go for it girl!

Answer 4

I too am that way, and through the years I have learned from a true friend, that if someone if wants to help you with something, let them and just say Thank You. Because true friends aren't looking for anything from you, but they will always be there for you,
. And someday when they need you, you will be there for them. I always felt I am putting them out, I'm borthering them, if we analize it ,How rediculous is that.So Next time you need something or someone .Just ask, My friend was buried yesterday, and I will always remember her for the lesson she left with me.

Answer 5

Being too independent is better than being co-dependent.

Answer 6

Let me manage your money for you.