How can I get my father to ask my forgiveness for child abuse?

Question

My father abused me from little, until I was 20 yrs od. Beating me up, whipping me, kicking me, trying to strangle me, humiliating me, calling me a f** idiot, piece of s**, accusing me while I was innocent, and many more. Got my mother to do the same to me after a few years. Now I wrote to him about this, and he's reported angry at me, he will never again talk to me. I want him to recognize his abuse, to ask for my forgiveness and to repair by treating me with respect. I struggled through 3 years of therapy about this, culminating in this letter. Now my whole family is siding against me, calling me crazy, how dare I do this to the old man - 85 yrs. old. I am very much ready to forgive and forget, I just need to hear: I am so sorry for hitting you that day, when you were 5 yrs old, and I whipped your little body as you lay in bed already crying and bruised from a whipping you got 10 minutes ago... Yes, I need tohear him say he is sorry, see his tears...

Answer 1

Sweetie, you can't make him apologize. You can't make him do anything, but you need to make peace with it and not let it control your life. Hold your head up, know that you did nothing wrong, and don't let him have power over you.

Answer 2

Is it really an apology what you want? What would that apology bring, other than his admittance that he's below your level? Your father sounds like a proud man, he thinks he is superior to you, and his paternal instincts never hit him, even until he turned 85. What you really need - and sorry if i sound like i know better than you, don't mean that - is acceptance. Accept his faults and ingest that horrible experience into your being, otherwise it will eat your mind for the rest of your life.

If you can finally accept what happened, with every little detail, every hit, every whip, bruise and scar, you will feel more fulfilled than you would be from any apology or sorrow. Knowing that you got over this with your own strength, and were able to defeat this nightmare all on your own, despite him and your family, will bring you an immense feeling of gratitude, strength and peace of mind.

Don't expect anything from people around you. Do everything yourself, but appreciate anyone who crosses your path and gives you a helping hand. This way, you can protect yourself from disappointments, and have many more pleasant experiences.

Answer 3

You may never get an apology. He may even feel he was right in doing it. It's even going to be harder now that you've confronted him about it. And since you wrote him a letter he can show that letter to all of the relatives as evidence against you. Your best hope would have been to have asked him to come to therapy with you to help you deal with some things and let the therapist kind of break the ice on the subject.

You need to prepare yourself that he may never say I'm sorry. If you are going to get past it, you have to forgive him first. You need to start giving yourself respect first and not looking for respect from him. You are what you make yourself. Make it a challenge to yourself to be better man than him.

Answer 4

Some people have no respect and do not care that you are hurting. They have no conscious and you cannot make them have one. If he is not going to give you the apology that you need then you are going to have to try other ways to get past the abuse. My father will never admit to the abuse either and he really dont have a relationship with me or my children. It is sad to see but I have to be the bigger person and move forward and work on making my life the best that it can be and forget about the past. I also make sure that I never treat my children the way I was treated when I was a child. If your family is going to side with an abusive a**hole like that then they are going to be the ones who miss out on you and your life. Think Positive and Good Luck getting past this.

Answer 5

Welcome to the club, was abused as well, and I never searched for an apology, I learned to accept what happened happened and that is that. It takes awhile to accept it. Hard to understand too, mainly when it is your parents, but time will help you.

I found a way through it by learning to accept what happened happened. I cannot change the past.

I learned from my upbringing on how NOT to be to my own son.

My mother died and I never heard of an apology, but it was her letting her boyfriends hurt me, and not standing up for her own child, now I felt I wasn't good enough, then neglected for when she also had a man in her life i never had her attention this all before i was twelve. And I haven't even included the sexual abuse.

When you look at it it is a control issue, but you NEED TO ACCEPT the events whether you agree with them or not is irrelevent. It is the past, now it is up to you.

Don't expect an apology, you do not need one for it will not change the past, if you ever get one then great but don't hope for it.

You took the one good step which is to confront the issue, I hardly talk to my dad, I pulled the plug on my mom.

Fact is get on with your life, you don't need your parents in your life if this is the way they are. You will find people more supportive in your life than they will ever be.

Remember there are people that do not even know their parents.

LET IT GO cause it is eating you up inside.

Go to a scrap yard with a baseball bat a beat the crap out of a car let your anger out.

e-mail me if you want to talk more, I understand, I am 36 now so it wasn't an easy voyage to get over it, but when you do life looks a lot free'er

Answer 6

First, let me say I am very sorry for how you were treated. No one should have to endure that or deal with the scars. You have made some incredible strides and should be proud of yourself.
Second, a word of advice. You don't need to hear "I'm sorry" to forgive your father. If you remember the story of Christ on the cross, he set the example of forgiveness by asking His Father to forgive his torturers, even in the midst fo the torture. Forgiving your father doesn't mean you accept his behavior. It was wrong, period. Forgiving means you no longer hold it against him. You have the power to forgive and no one, including your father, gives that to you or takes it away. I am afraid, if you wait for his apology you will be waiting a very long time. In the mean time you are still being victimized. So, as hard as it is, I suggest you intentionally forgive your father and leave him in God's hands to deal with.

Answer 7

It is very hard for someone to admit they are wrong, or what they did was wrong. He was raised in an era when beating your child wasn't viewed as it is now. He may never admit to it, he may never see how much it hurt and scarred you. You are very strong to have come to terms with this, but you cannot let his acceptance or lack there of stop you from progressing in your life's dreams and goals. Do not let your family and their feelings change your course or control how you feel. No one can understand how you feel, and no one can make things better for you. If he is choosing not to speak to you again, so be it. Do not look to him for acceptance, or for justification on how you view yourself or what was done to you. My husbands father was a very verbally abusive man and neglectful, and it took until three days before he died for him, in a delusional state, to finally say to our children, "Dont treat your children like I treated him. I am back here to say I was wrong for how I treated you." He never became cognitive again and then passed away. His mother never did admit she was wrong for allowing him to be beaten from his stepfather, or allowing his sisters to be molested. Some people do realize at the end, and others don't. But you are very strong, you have come this far, and although to hear him admit his wrong doings would give you justification in your feelings, you can and should heal yourself without them. You cannot force it from him, but do not let that hold you back. And use the pain, and the suffering, and the neglect to help others and try to show love to those whom you can touch. Since he cannot say he is sorry, I will say I am sorry for the suffering you went through, and I am touched by your strength. I hope this can help you.

Answer 8

I am so very sorry for the pain and anguish you went through due to this abuse. And by your own father, of all people. I know abuse. I've been through it myself, thankfully not to the extreme your's was. But it still affected me emotionally and still does to this day many years later. Believe me, unless your father can truly see that he was wrong, he will never apologize to you. Even if he recognizes his wrong doings, that doesn't insure that he will own up to them. There are folks that never will no matter what. You need to find inner peace by accepting his shortcomings, faults, and transgressions within yourself. You need to recognize that you were not at fault nor did you deserve what was handed out, but for some unknown reason, you were handed this raw deal. Now after all these years of torture and feeling less of a person and not loved, you need to realize that you were the better and bigger person than he ever was or will be. You were a child and taken advantage of. You had no means of protecting yourself. Even as you grew older and bigger, your self esteem made you feel less and deserving of this crime. Please tell yourself that you will forgive him or else you will never get beyond the door of total imprisonment of your pain. Walk out side into the sunlight and into GOD'S beautiful world that HE made for us and know that HE loves you and open your mind to the beauty and love all around you. Forgive your father for yourself, and for him, as he can't do it himself. He will be judged in his own time. You still have life to live and you'll never live it feeling the way you do. Know that I am with you on this day, just by your opening up on this site. Even though I don't know who you are or what you look like, I feel your pain and I tell you that forgiveness is the only answer. Forgive yourself for punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault. Live, love, be blessed by the joy of life and know that you are not alone, ever. Look up and see the heavens surrounding you and be happy.....
GOD bless you and peace and love to you........

Answer 9

Your father seems like a heartless man and what I believe is that if you get the apology that you so much deserve it will be on his death bed. As for the rest of your family, they must not care too much for your feelings as a child to treat you this way. I would just forgive him in your heart knowing he probably won't apologize and ask the Lord to forgive him and go on with your life without the people that call themselves your family who has sided with this horrible man.

Answer 10

I am sorry to hear that you suffered this terrible abuse, but unfortuently I don't think your father is going to recognise that what he did was wrong and that he is mentally disturbed for not seeing that. And because he is not going to recognise that what he did was wrong, I doubt that he is going to apologise. By wanting him to apologise and not being able to move on until he does means that in a way he still has that grip over you... He is still in control and is still hurting you. Although I have never been through this myself, I know people who have and they have had to move on without forgiving but have forgotten so that the person who did it isn't in control anymore.
I hope that you do not let this coward of a man have control over you much longer. If you wish to talk abit more email me... Be strong...
:-)

Answer 11

Honey, he may not be able to do that for you. He may have emotional or mental problems that prevent him from realizing the damage he has caused you. Even if he can understand that, his pride may be such that he can't let you see any weakness on his part.

If you can really and truly forgive and forget, just tell him that and let it go. Accept that he may not be able to say to you what you need to hear in this lifetime. Others may be asamed of not having intervened in a problem that they knew about. You will have to find a way to try to forgive them too.