My husband always seems to yell at me after he visits with his family. I can't take it any more.?

Question

I have never got along with my inlaws. When my husband and I first starting dating, the mother was very nasty to me. I would cry and be upset all the time and asked her why she would give me grief and she never had an answer. I do not think it has anything to do with me. My husband and her never got along. She would always put him down (still does). I understand it is his mother, but everytime he goes there he comes home and yells at me. My sister in-laws and brother in-laws are also not friendly. They all hang around together (they have no friends) and always talk terrible things about me. I have tried to point out to my husband that he yells and he says he just talks loud, but my 11 month old starts screaming or crying, so I think it is more yelling at me and I do not want my son to grow up to him yelling at me. I am at wits end with this. We have been married for 5 yrs and the 4yrs that his family wasn't around (only came around b/c I had baby) there was no yelling

Answer 1

Yells at you MORE when hes with his family? Why is he yelling at you EVER??? This is totally disrespectful and you should not stand for it. You need to implement a "No YELLING" rule, none is allowed in the house. If he ever starts yelling, just turn and leave the room, leave the house if you have to. He will learn that it does not accomplish anything to yell. He is teaching your child bad things, and this should not be allowed. You need to come up with a better way to communicate. Counseling can help here if you don't feel you know any strategies to improve communication.

Answer 2

You knew before you got married, the family you were marrying into and yet you still married him. He was loud then and you said yes, he is loud now and things have changed for you. They haven't changed for him though. They are still the same. Also, he may be louder coming from visiting with them because they have all been "talking loud" and his ears are still ringing. Just plan on doing something else when he returns from visits with his family that don't entail talking. Plan on a visit with your own quiet family. If they try starting up with you when at your home, try saying "I'm sorry you feel the need to pick on me about something so childish" no matter what they said that was hurtful. It will stop them in their tracks and make them aware you know EXACTLY what they are trying to do to you and smile sweetly and pick up your baby and leave the room. Bad behaviour by in laws does not have to be tolerated, nor engaged in your home. Do not up the ante, just say it and leave the room with your child. If anyone asks, you can say "I am not exposing my baby/child to this kind of negativity. You can visit again when you feel better about yourself". No apology, just the facts mam. Make sure that what you are being sensitive to is really what is happening. Most people have a clue when they are not liked, as to why. I feel you are not being completely honest about the in laws, although they may be brutish, surely there is something redeeming about them, if not, keep your childs exposure to a minimum with them, but remember, that child is also your husbands, so thread carefully. Good luck!

Answer 3

I know exactly what you're going through. Sometimes people continue to allow toxic people to stay in their lives due to habit, guilt, or worse (gak) family. A toxic family situation is almost impossible to resolve but there is a way. And you have to resolve it or else your husband will never become his own person; he will always have the influence of the toxic family around him even if he only sees them once in a while.

My guy had bad influences in his life until we moved. After a few months I noticed him becoming more himself and being himself, without the subconscious pressure to be more like his family members and friends. And there IS a pressure there, he may not even be aware of it.

If you can somehow figure out a way to move several hours away from his family, I think it would be wise choice for yours. It may sound extreme but the results will be so worth it. This is just my humble opinion. Either way, try to keep him away from the family if possible. It's not wrong to minimize contact with people, even family, who are not positive influences in one's life. In other words, family schamily, do what's right for you, him and your kids. Start a new life elsewhere. Good luck.

Answer 4

As someone who comes from a very difficult family... if his family sounds so awful to you, imagine how messed up they must make him feel? I know you are probably busy with a young one but why not try talking to him and letting him talk about how his fam makes him feel? Hear him out. Don't air your complaints bc that will prob just put him on the defensive and yell. Why not just ask him how he feels after the visit and maybe he'll start opening up and be relieved to be able to tell you and maybe even realize that his family really bothers him. Then maybe he can get to the point (On his own time) where he understands this and can put his feelings where they belong. It is wrong that he's yelling at you but as someone who was once in his situation I really benefitted once my husband stopped criticizing my parents and instead just asked me how I feel... and with time I came to learn that unlike my parents my husband was my ally and that I could confide in him and that it even made me feel better able to handle my parents. Give it a try if you love this guy!

Answer 5

I think that he may be lashing out at you because he can not lash out at her. Sometimes there are things in our lives that we take out on those we love the most. I know it sounds dumb he cant express himself to his family so he turns to you. I do by no means justify his actions but he must acknowledge the fact. If he has spent time with his family maybe he needs a cooling off period maybe go for a walk before coming home or an activity he enjoys to unwind. If this doesnt work maybe sometime without you will give him time to cool. Its not fair to do this your child should not see daddy holler at mommy under no circumstances he will grow up to think it is right maybe your husbands dad did this to his mother. He has to first acknowledge otherwise give him a cooling period maybe permanently

Answer 6

Communication & counseling. It sounds like an anger managment issue between your husband & his mother. She has no answer for you as to why she acts the way she does, because she doesn't know why. Talk with your husband & get to the root of the problems. If the in-laws aren't nice, don't allow them to see your child. There's no sense in "putting up" with the garbage when you don't need to. It's not their child, it's YOURS. It's not their relationship, it's you & your husband. Don't listen to what they have to say about you... ignore them. I mean it's either that or get into a full blown fight, in which that won't do any good anyways. Get you & your husband into coulseling & get the problems dealt with. Your in-laws need counseling as well, but that's not your issue to deal with. ;)

Answer 7

This sounds like my family (LOL). Seriously, this is called jelousy. Family who cant accept that a family member has moved on and is happy, will try their damnest to break up the marriage and cause chaos. His mother is being spiteful becuase she dont want to let him go. What she dont have is closure on the fact that her son is grown, has a wonderful patient wife (you) and a child. He (your husband) on the other had takes his fustration out on you becuase he dont want to feel like he is disrespecting his mother. But, in a sense, that is putting a strain on your marriage, and friendship with your husband. His mother is miserable. She wants to fuss and fight because she has no man and cant and wont get one because she acts younger than a 15 year old on thier period. She aint gettin no good head or no diick(LOL). Also the sister in-laws and brother in-laws are also jealous because they wish they have what you and your husband have: LOVE, stability, compassion for one another, you work with each other, you argue but stay together, and you have patience.
I tell you what: see if you can find a babysitter, pick out a night where you and him can have quality time together, and TALK, if your husband loves you like you say he does he will tell you what is bothering him about his mother. Or if you cant find a babysitter then wait till the baby is sleep and talk to him, without distractions (TV, radio). That will open new doors to why he is so uptight with is mother. By the way you explain it, his mother sounds like she resents the fact that he is being a loving father and husband, soemthing she didnt have or had at one point in time and fuked it up on the account of her mouth constantly running. Now for the sister in-laws and brother in-laws, they are mad, these people are dramatized. They need to be on jerry springer fighting each other. They hang out with each other because no one wants 2 be bothered with BULLSHIIT, WHINING, CRYING, AND ***** COMPLAININ! Who wants 2 be around that? Seriously? You dont need the baby to have bad nerves when he gets older. I grew up around family like that. I'll tell you,. i was a size 16 when i went to stay with my relative to finish school, and i dropped to size 2, called stress. you dont need it, and neither does your son.
You need to talk to your hunny bunny. i know you love him with all your heart and im sure he does too, but put emphasis the talking issue, communication is the key in a marriage.
Good luck to you!
holla at me when you can
[e-mail]

Answer 8

You need to sit down and explain this. But, you have to be careful with your words. You should explain how you feel when he yells at you. What you feel towards him when he yells at you. I also have a short temper. There was a period where my g/f dealt with the same thing minus the family. Well she told me that she felt hurt and that we are not as close as we once were because it is hard for her to talk to me in fear that I would yell at her. It was a wake up call for me. Try this approach. Good luck.

Answer 9

Seems like he has a family that has a history of DRAMA. Your husband is probably tired of them too, but he has no choice but to deal with them because they are his family. Keep to yourself and take care of YOUR FAMILY (your husband, your children). When your husband comes home with an attitude, its not because of anything you have done. We tend to lash out at people who are closest to us when we are angry. Try to be supportative instead of lashing back because then it becomes a problem between you and him. Talk to your husband. Also, its not healthy to argue in front of your children. It confuses them and can have a huge effect on their own attitudes about relationships in the future. Good luck!

Answer 10

Sounds like your husband has major unresolved issues with his family, and really needs some counseling. Encourage him to go talk to someone about his feelings. Be patient, the problem didn't occur overnight, and won't go away quickly. Good luck!