I loved my wife and am not sure why I did it, but i also thought i loved the best friend, and the grass looked greener. Now even though I am happy with my new life, I just can't get over how much I hurt her, and how selfish I was. I feel terrible about what i did, but I can never take it back, and I will always feel like a bad person. It keeps me from truly living my life, knowing I ruined hers, even if for a short while. I still have feelings for her and always will, but of course she hates me.I love my best friend and we get along well, but if i had it to do over, I never would have done this again. Can anyone help me? This isn't a joke.
2006-11-09 02:34:34 · 40 answers · asked by spencer 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yep... it wasn't such a good thing to do... & you will have to learn to forgive yourself long before anyone else will. I would suggest writing to your (I'm assuming) ex-wife & tell her all these things that you're saying here. Apologize for your actions, for hurting her, for straying. You can't do much else past an apology. Your ex is trying to figure out what SHE did wrong, to cause you to stray from your marriage in the first place. Perhaps you can help sort that out for her. Being an outsider here, you are taking responsibility for your actions, but she needs to know that you realize what you did was wrong.
Remember always, hind-sight is 20/20. Don't do anything you think you might regret later, because regret is a horrible thing to have to live with. Once you learn to forgive yourself, time will take care of the rest. Your guilt shouldn't keep you from living your life.. it should prevent you from making mistakes in the future, by causing you to stop & think before you act.
2006-11-09 02:43:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not going to beat up on you, I'm just going to be candid and hopefully helpful.
1. Get counseling; you need to stop beating up on yourself. You learned a valuable lesson at a high cost. You need to move forward and be a better person; you also need to figure out what is was that movtivated you to cheat.
2. Is there any way you can reconcile with your wife or is it over? Do you want to? It may take some time, but marriages have survived infidelity and become stronger. It's hard work, but will be worth it if you can work things out.
3. Sorry dude, but a Best Friend would never, ever create a such a situation for you unless they wanted to. If you have problems, you go to your wife. If you feel like you're being tempted to cheat, go to your spouse or a counselor. Your marriage comes before everything; family, work and most definitely best friends. Even after what's happened, it seems like your "best friend" is still first. Either you feel more for your "friend" than what you're letting on, or she knowing helped you in your infidelity when she could have said "NO!", even when you didn't.
Finally, aside from the counseling, consider this situation in future relationships. If you don't reconnect with your wife, you will be dating again at some point. Once you have found someone you really care about and are willing to put yourself out there for, how are you going to explain this? If you're divorced, the question of "what happened" will come up. You can't start off a new relationship being deceitful. You will have two strikes off the bat:
1. It's not like you stopped loving your wife, you cheated on her and she bailed.
2. You cheated on her with someone who is still your best friend.
I don't know how you're going to get around that. Just do what you can to understand how you got to this point so you can be freed up to begin again.
Good luck!
2006-11-09 02:50:58 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The problem with looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence is, once you get there you find out dogs pee on it too.
Your relationship with you wife is more than likely over, unless you can find a way to convince her that you are sincere, if you have the time to invest go for it, but don't expect a quick resolution. Once trust is destroyed it can take years to rebuild. And you have to be willing to pay for your mistake everyday for a very long time, don't ever get that attitude that just because you have admitted your mistake you are somehow relieved of hearing about it for the next 3 years everytime you leave a feeling of untrust laying around.
If you don't have the will to invest in a long term dedication to her being right and you admitting that you messed up and are looking for a quick fix, then say goodbye now, start referring to her as your ex-wife, move on and try to find love again someday with someone else... Just remember the lesson, because it is hard learned and the outcome will always be the same.
2006-11-09 02:41:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Man, I feel for you I had an affair last year, and my wife and I worked out, but I have a child from my affair and it keeps me up at night with guilt and worry about the stupid thing I did and how much I hurt my wife. The best advice I can give you is give her some time and try to find a way to get her to talk to you, if you are really sorrry and love her you can feel better somewhat by telling her how you feel. she will never get over it or trust you again, but she might let you be a freind in some sort. I will have to see the pain in my wifes face everyday my 6 month old baby comes to the house. My wife is a great person for taking me back and loving this child as if it was hers. If you need to talk -e-mail me at sauceross13@yahoo.com
2006-11-09 02:43:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am sure you hurt her a ALOT, this is coming from a woman who's been there..My hubby cheated with my best friend, Not a good thing to go thru,It does alot of damaged to a person..But your right you can't take it back..So you must move on, I believe you when you say this bothers you..How could it not? Your ex-wife will be fine..she'll heal but it takes time,Affairs do alot to a person,make you feel unwanted,unattractive,and your self esteem goes down the drain its not a good feeling. But she'll rise to the top again and be stronger than she ever was! I wish you the best in your new life,Who knows maybe someday you can tell her how you really feel!
Good Luck Sweetie
2006-11-09 02:50:50 · answer #5 · answered by Shem 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well you get what you deserve, but most importantly there are 2 things you should of learned from this, 1) the grass is never greener on the other side. 2) Don't do it again. Good luck and remember you missed up but you need to live your life just learn from it.
2006-11-09 02:42:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may have to disrupt your life again... because the only way to deal with what's inside of you is by writing what you wrote here in your question in a letter form addressed to your friend and your wife... and see where the chips fall... That way, what has happened will not burn away inside of you forever... I doubt whether your wife really hates you... on the surface for sure probably... but deep inside she still cares... You are going to have to make a decision about your friend... and ask yourself if this is really what you want... You may lose both woman, but that's part of the learning process... and whatever happens you'll know you did what you felt was right after the situation...
2006-11-09 02:47:03 · answer #7 · answered by deakjone 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Obviosly there was something missing in your marriage to make you think that the affair would be a good idea. Maybe your wife didn't understand how important this was to you. Reinforce to your wife that she is the only one for you and that you want to be happy together. If she can move past this and forgive you, maybe you can both change fo rthe better and focus on one another, and making your relationship strong again. If you are just going to be guilted and treated badly from now on, get out. Everyone deserves to be happy, even if the road we take to get there is a rough one. Good luck man.
2006-11-09 02:43:01 · answer #8 · answered by medic 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Try and take your wife out for dinner and explain that you made a mistake for her. Grass usually looks greener on the side. The best thing you can do is proove to youself - and your wife - that this won't happen again. Help your wife with whatever she needs to the best of your ability, she will eventually come to terms with it. Good luck, hope you feel better - and I would suggest trying to talk to your wife.
2006-11-09 02:37:54 · answer #9 · answered by I think... 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You've got to chalk this one up to learning a life lesson.
Come on - you know we guys have three categories of women (mother & sisters aside):
[1] Women we have not yet screwed but want to screw
[2] Women we have already screwed and want to screw again
[3] Women too hideous to screw
And men *never* have "friends" in the [3] category. We only hang around [1]'s and [2]'s.
So get over that fairy tale that men can have women "friends". No, we can't. All we can have is potential pecker targets. Stop lying to yourself.
On the cheating front, you have some serious work to do about betraying those who trust you. Again, lots of unglamorous homework. Good luck with all that since most adulterers can't face up to who they are - lying selfish cheating b*stards who must continually earn every ounce of trust and respect they want from others.
2006-11-09 02:49:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋