I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband cheated on me twice with the same girl, a couple of weeks apart, three years ago. We were going through a serious rough patch, having only been married a year, fighting a lot, and I was being stupid and threatening to leave him. He was only 20, and I was 23, and we had a couple of friends that used to come over and hang out at our place a lot, one of them being this 18 year old girl. I thought she and I were good friends, I treated her like a little sister. I found out that she was infatuated with my husband, took advantage of the fact that he was afraid I was going to leave him, and , seduced him with a little alcohol and the whole "I'm here and she is not". After the second time, he started distancing himself from her and the other friends, and eventually kicked them out altogether, me none the wiser. He has lied to me about it for 3 years, never telling me because he was afraid of losing me. Should I let it go or not?
2006-11-09 02:25:18 · 31 answers · asked by Jamie H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You should have a discussion with your husband about the importance of communication. Yes, you are still here because you love him. He has to understand your hurt and disappointment. You both need to agree to learn how to resolve your problems by communicating better and putting your marriage first above all else.
You said that you have been going through a rough time and you were being stupid. He was afraid of losing you. If you feel like you've come a long way in your relationship, and the issues that caused the rough patch have been resolved, then let it go. Don't throw it up in his face when something goes wrong, stick to the issue at hand. If you don't think you can trust him, tell him so. BUT I would encourage you both to get counseling; it will serve as a tool for you to move beyond what's happening now. You don't want to get bogged down in resentment.
In his way, he recognized his mistake. He distanced himself from everything associated with that situation. He deserves a lot of credit for that.
Good luck!
2006-11-09 02:34:15 · answer #1 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I found out my wife was cheating on me my first reaction was to have a long sit-down.
The affair was still going on... Not three years later as is your case.
Since we had four kids, booting her out wasn't an option. Otherwise I would have booted her immediately.
In your case since this all took place several years ago and he himself distanced himself from the woman... And since he's still with you, although he's still denying the truth...
My guess is that the guilt he has can't lead him into being honest with you, yet he still remains with you.
If you have reason to believe that he's still of the mind to wander around dropping his pants with other women, I'd say kick him to the curb.
Though from what you explain it appears you have some terrible feelings that you haven't been able to cope with. His not being honest about it has you in a crutch about going on without hurting.
If that's the case, I say talk to him about it and whether or not he admits his fling or not, try being less prodding towards finding out the truth (since you already know the truth) and let him know how insecure he's made you feel.
It may make him feel more guilty (which is fine) but it also may break down a few walls each of you have developed over the years. Walls that need to somehow come down sooner, then later.
-Best of luck!
2006-11-09 10:38:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If my husband did that to me I would leave him. I believe that if you let someone get away with cheating then they will eventually do it again. To me being faithful is very important. Especially when your married. You make a commitment and you stick to it through thick and thin. There is no excuse for cheating, in my eyes. If you are having problems you get some counseling or something, not jump in someone else's bed. It sounds like you think you pushed him into doing it because you were threatening to leave him. It also sounds like you are making excuses for what he did. You had nothing to do with him cheating. He chose to do that. I am sorry but I don't think that anyone deserves to be cheated on and lied to. You deserve better!! But the decision is up to you. Can you live with knowing that he's cheated on you? Can you trust him again? Will you really be able to forgive? These are some questions I would ask myself! Good luck!
2006-11-09 10:58:23 · answer #3 · answered by faith 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your marriage is solid now, why are you upset over something from 3 years ago during a period when you admit you were threatening to leave him anyway?
Get over it...that's the past. If you have a loving, solid, secure relationship now, forget about it.
You two will probably now need family counseling to get through the betrayal you feel if you are taking it hard. But I don't see this as a threat to your marriage. He's not a chronic cheater, it really may have been a one time relationship because of your always threatening to leave him anyway.
You have to remember not to say things like that unless you are going to do it, because you are making him feel that you have no faith in the marriage, and if you don't, why should he?
2006-11-09 10:29:51 · answer #4 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Looks like maybe he learned from the mistake yes..... I am not going to make an excuse for him. Booze and that i am here she is not thing is BS.
He was went for it because of the situation you two were going through. She was the aggressor and just like men do all time. Identify a weakness in the person they want (Married or Not) and exploit it.
That is why you always need to make sure that you communicate your needs, and listen to those of your spouse.
Once the aggressor smells blood, they have the power because they know what you may or may not and are more then willing to give it.
2006-11-09 10:39:03 · answer #5 · answered by SRC 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the main question here is do you love him if you do them u will have to forgive him but dont be unaware of what goes on around you again you could lay down some ground rules and have some fun dont go out there and cheat on him because you will be just as bad as he is now him not wanting to lose you,you could use that as an advantage make him do things with you that he never wanted to do and tell him you both need time together
2006-11-09 10:34:33 · answer #6 · answered by classichristian 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It happend three years ago. He didn't go after her either, she went after him. It can be hard for men to resist this during a time of weakness. It only happend twice.
Your husband still seems concerned about you. If he kept if from you becuase he didn't want to lose you, then he cares. You two might want to go to family counseling, but let it go otherwise. It seems the situation resolved itself 3 years ago, without it being brought to your attention.
2006-11-09 14:32:29 · answer #7 · answered by countrygurl587 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hes been faithful for the last 3 years. I think its time to let go of the past. He must love you if he's still with you. If it happens again I would throw all his clothes in the front yard and call it OVER!
2006-11-09 10:34:31 · answer #8 · answered by ascendent2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's history, if things have been good for three years let it go and move on. You both got married too young and you were playing head games with him at the time. Learn from this, don't do it again and move on with your lives.
2006-11-09 10:30:44 · answer #9 · answered by medic 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if he has been faithful for 3 years, and u have no reason to think he has seen her since, than i wouldn't dwell on it, because it is u he chose and loves. it is usually the friends we trust the most who betray us with out husbands, distance yourself from friends like that. but know that u both will need to discuss this, and communicate your hurt, and it is important how he responds to your feeling's, he should be willing to talk, and be willing to be accountable for the hurt he caused u.
2006-11-09 22:18:31 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋