What to do about my marriage?

Question

There are so many things that I dislike about my wife. I'm pretty sure there are many things my wife doesn't like about me. Some of the things could probably be worked out in counseling, others I don't think could be. For instance, I don't find her physically attractive anymore. She's gained some weight. She's not fat, but more overweight then I'd like and certainly heavier than when we met 14 years ago. She doesn't like the things I like to do. I like to be in social situations. She does not. I love her to dress in feminine clothes... skirts, dresses, heels, lingerie, etc, but she doesn't like to. She's bossy. We have a 3 year old son. I think if it weren't for him, I'd probably get out of the marriage. However, son or not, I don't want to be a statistic. So many people I know or am related to got divorced. And especially with our son, I don't want him having to be carted back and forth on weekends. What should I do?

Oh, yeah, and our sex life is basically non-existant. Maybe once every two months. Often it is longer.

Answer 1

I think that most issues like these can be worked out. As far as her gaining weight, people do that as they age especially females after giving birth. Weight and love should be independant.

It sounds like counseling would work for a lot of it. Especially if you both have things you want to change about each other. Because then there is room for give and take.

You like her to dress up, but when did you last take her on a date where she could? Marriage gets stale if you dont keep doing these things. Find things to do to throw spice back into it. Take her out somewhere fancy so she can dress up and when she does MAKE HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL, and I bet she will a little more often. Things like that.

It is too sad that people stop dating when they get married, but these days with both working and the pace of the world we set ourselves up for it. Get out and discover each other again, when you do that you may be suprised how beutiful she is to you even with that weight.

Also find things to do to get both of you active again, things you both enjoy, it will help her with the weight without having to make an issue of it.

Dating again and making her feel beautiful again will also likely help with that sex life as well.

Answer 2

Has she always disliked social situations? She might not like them or the feminine clothing because of her weight gain. Maybe you should suggest doing things together as a family such as: going for long walks at night, playing a game of basketball, etc. Tell her that you love her and you do not want a divorce but you aren't happy. If she wants to make it work she will join you in these activities. A marriage cannot be one-sided. If you truly love her you will accept her weight gain and still want to be with her, but she should also put forth an effort to lose it too. Especially for health reasons.

As far as being bossy, she is a woman. I am sure that bossiness didn't come overnight. You will just have to learn to accept that!

I think it is great that you want to work on your marriage and not just automatically sign divorce papers because things aren't going your way. Marriage is not taken seriously anymore, too many people are quick to get a divorce. You two just need to communicate better.

Answer 3

Re-read your question. At the top, you say you don't find her physically attractive anymore. Yet you want her to dress in sexier clothes. You say she's gained some weight, and is bigger than you like, yet you state your sex life isnt up to par. Think about it. If you're posting your disappointment about her appearance, then you are more than likely showing her in many other ways that you aren't attracted to her anymore. This lowers her self esteem, so why in the world would she want to dress in sexy clothes for you? If she feels you think she's unattractive, she would not want to dress up for you. And also, after 14 years of marriage, and a child, EVERY woman is going to gain some weight. Have you changed? Are you the exact same strapping fit man you were 14 years ago? Probably not. Unless you spend more time in the gym than you do at home with your family. If you want your wife to lose some weight, try showing her that you love her and appreciate her. Show her you are attracted to her still. Even if you're not! Eventually she will feel better about herself and very possibly will begin to take better care of her appearance.

As for her being bossy, you will have to elaborate. But before you go off and start picking out her faults, try to find out how they came up in the first place. Women just don't get fat and complacent for no reason. If she is unhappy, because she senses from you that you feel so negatively about her, she is NOT going to do anything to keep up her appearances.

Answer 4

Whoa....when you got married were there vows? Like maybe "for better for worse, in sickness and in health"? My point is, so she's gained some weight....so what? She's still the same person. You don't like the same things---um, isn't it a bit late to be finding that out? Isn't that what dating is for?
And to find this out after having a child for 3 years? Hmmm, sounds like neither of you did the groundwork before marrying and hopping into the sack.

Now I know that's all in the past. You might try counseling, yup. But other than that, the only thing I can think of is to have a heart to heart talk with her and see if there is some way you two can manage to work things out--even if it means you agree to continue living as husband and wife, but otherwise living separate lives. Divorce is not fair to to your child....so I suspect the ultimate answer will be, whatever the mechanics, is to grin and bear it until he's old enough to understand and to cope with a separation or divorce of his parents....

Answer 5

It's sad that you've been with her for so long, and you are so shallow. Could be why there is hardly any sex. She must know that you are not attracted to her anymore. What about you, do you dress the way she likes guys to dress? Are you physically fit? I bet you're just sweet and darling and never raise your voice to her either, eh?
Look nobody's perfect, but you three are a family. She loves you, I hope that you can look deep inside your heart and realize that you love your wife too. Make her feel special, maybe you'll start to see a change in her that you like.

Answer 6

You use the word dislike,you don`t find her attractive anymore and she`s bossy, but you`ve been together for 14 yrs, and of course things change I`m sure she also feels change. May I suggest that you both find a bit of time with each other, perhaps an evening away with no distractions (stay at an hotel) and talk openly to each other, just let her know that you want to talk before you go so she knows what to expect with no surprises.
If you are both open and willing to listen to each other that`s a start, but please TALK to each other. Good luck and happiness.

Answer 7

I am alot like your wife. I am also married going through the same thing. I don't to go out, my husband do, I don't like to have sex, my husband wants it like everyday, and so much other things I could say. I think you should both try puttig God first. that's the only way it can work. I think yu both should seek counseling from a pastor and get christain help. Anything can be worked out if you both allow God to do it for you. You will be supprise when Gods hand is in something like that what change you'll have. And he's all for marriage so he's gonna work it out. That's what i'm going through right now. I hope things work out and I hope things work out for me also.

Answer 8

There is such a thing as "irreconcilable differences." Maybe you've reached the point where divorce is the last option. If so, take it slow and easy, and show as much respect to your partner as you'd like to be shown for yourself. Make sure that what you do is absolutely the best possible thing you should do for all concerned, especially your child.

Answer 9

Maybe you should try counseling, for your sons sake. Also gently suggest your wife lose some weight. Try to spice up your sex life with videos, books and so on.

Answer 10

You said yourself, "you don't want to be a statistic" and "I don't want my son to be carted back and fourth" so you answered your own question. You must stay and try very hard to work things out with your wife. Seek counseling if you guys haven't already.