My friend is cheating on her husband, but there's more. What should I do?

Question

There are 4 couples in our group of friends. We have been friends for 15 years or so. One of the women has been having an affair for 18 months with her nephew (her husband's sister's son). Two of the other couples have known for a while. The 4th couple just found out. They are pushing the cheater to tell her husband or they will do it for her. She has stopped the affair 2 months ago, and is genuinely sorry. The couple has 2 children, and finding out will cause a complete destruction of the whole family. I don't think any of us should tell because of the horrible consequences. I don't even think she should ever tell. I know first hand how much pain and suffereing finding out your spouse cheated on you can cause. You never get over it. I am debating as to whether I should tell my friends to back away and let the cheater deal with the situation as she sees fit. Help!

I forgot to mention the nephew is 18, the cheater is 36.

Answer 1

I agree that if I was cheated on I would want to know. However, because the affair happened within the family circle, letting it out in the open could cause a big riff in the family. The couples who know about the affair, including yourself, should not tell the cheater's husband. It is not your place. If she has stopped the affair then it is her choice to tell her husband or not. If she does not tell him, she is the one who has to be eaten away by her guilty secret. But if you, or anyone else who knows, tells on her then you will be held responsible for destroying the family. Let it rest on the cheater.

Answer 2

I think you guys should intervene here because when it DOES come out and the husband knows that everybody knew but him, he's going to feel like he was cheated on by EVERYONE. It will look like everyone chose to keep it from him and sided with the cheater. Also, the cheater put ALL OF YOU in this position of having to choose what to do. What kind of friend is that? You need to be a real friend to the husband who's getting YANKED? I agree with the couple that has said if she won't tell him then they will. They are giving her the chance to come clean or she's going to look mighty stupid.

Answer 3

So the husbands sister is with the nephew who is not one of the 4 couples but the other couple is the one making up the four. The Children of the first couple are about to be destroyes and the 3rd couple do not watn to tell anyone because of the consequences. The Aunt is love with the nephew but the Uncle is not involved......I will think about it and get back to you..................

Answer 4

According to Jewish tradition, any married woman found to commit illicit affair must be put to death. In our present age, there are people who still can tolerate wife commiting illicit affair. But with her nephew... this is something very shameful and should not be tolerated.

What is hidden must be revealed. We cannot protect criminal or hide them in our house. If you treat your friend as friend, then you should be honest to him when you know this affair will destroy his family and maybe his entire family life.

Let your friend know about the affair and help him to go through the pain. Let him decide what to do. Whether he is willing to show grace, forgiveness or mercy, it all depends on him.

It is better for him to know the truth than to live with an adulterous wife. Never support evil deeds but help your friend to overcome this reality. Otherwise, his effort and love for the family may end up in total wastage or destruction.

Let him know, so that he can decide what to do for his future before he is too old or weak to handle this heavy blow.

Answer 5

in a close circle of friends i assume you can talk about almost everything so you can imagine how uncomfortable it is for some of the group to know something 'secret' about others in the group,,it will make meeting up hard work for those who know,,anytime something similar comes up there will be subtle looks,secretive whispers and that is hard on a friendship. the person having the affair should stop it and the rest should keep quiet,,if the affair continues,,the person who is being cheated on should be told otherwise all you are doing is allowing her to hurt your friend,,she knows the trouble it would cause so if she is prepared to cause so much upset between all of you she doesnt care anyway,,so why should you,,he would have support from you all and she would lose you all.but it would seem fair then,,wouldn't it.

Answer 6

From a women who was cheated on.... I say tell. I was so hurt to know Friends and others knew about my now EX Husbands affair and never said a thing. I felt like a fool and not really cared about like they thought what he was doing was okay. I child was born out of his affair and I learn about all this during my 6th month of being pregnant with out second child.

BTW- the age differents makes me question her judgement.

Answer 7

I think you should ask your self this... "would you want to know"

Aside from that, it isnt any one elses concern, and they need to mind their own, rather then butting in every one elses. No one knows what happens behind closed doors, perhaps her husband isnt every thing he claims to be, and the only reason she dont expose him is because she loves him.

My husband is a real jerk, but out side every one thinks he is great, smart and more, I allow them to think that, and they will think it until my divorce. I dont want every one in my biz so I keep it quiet.

Maybe she has the same issue, so every one else needs to stick a pie in their hole and allow her to work it out her self, some things are better left unsaid.

Also when you look at the age difference, you can see she wasnt looking for support, she wouldnt have gotten it from an 18 year old, she was likely looking for the sex or some one to listen to her.

I say tell every one to forget it ever happened, leave it alone.

Answer 8

If it was your wife, would you want to know. How would you feel if your wife was having this affair with your sisters nephew and all your friends knew about it and not one of them had the courtesy to tell you about it. So while you are thinking everything is okay and no problems, you keep making love to your wife that just got done having sex with your nephew. I think if you were in his shoes, you would want to know and have the chance to deal with it.

Answer 9

Okay...Here is a problem. They are both consenting adults! Now with the family...I have found it in the past best to stay out of it. There is the problem with you knowing about it but do you really want to make it worse by insterting yourself into the mix? Everything will come out and I believe that all parties need to know the truth.

Answer 10

t If was me I would tell him all about it. A man out working trying to take care of his family does not need a trap wh..re for a wife. Let me assure you its easy to get over a wife that's going with his niece. Yep she's a trap, send her down the road kicking up gravel.He will find someone else that doesn't stay in the gutter.