When is the right time to tell your kids?

Question

When is actually the best time to tell your kids the uncensored truth as to why their parents divorced especially if it was due to adultery and abuse.Or should I just paint a pretty picture of their dad who was actually a beast to me.

My son who is now 5 had been witness to his abuse.He use to carry my kids for sleepovers when we were married to see "Auntie......."when in fact she called his future.He had threatened to kill me and say that she will be their new mother.
WTHING 5 because you went through a bitter break up do not assume all mothers are like this.I am not fat neither did I fail at being a wife.I failed at being the wife he wanted to fix me to be and they probably have more women to call "auntie" because of his cheating

Answer 1

Hard question to answer. You do not need to tell them the uncensored truth, those details are not necessary for them to get. It will also make you look like you are trying to make their dad look bad and could backfire on you. If they ask, you can tell them that some things happened that the two of you could not recover from. Most kids are smart enough to know what that is and you will not look like you are bashing dad. If they are demanding to know exactly what happened, tell them to ask their dad and then you can let their dad know that if he lies to them, you will tell them the unvarnished truth. Just do not volunteer that information up to your kids, it will look petty and make you look bad.

Answer 2

I would seek a family counselors help in this - the 'uncensored' truth is going to be biased coming from you. I say this because I have been in your shoes and I know. If you think your children are in any danger of being abused themselves or if they are having problems dealing with the split - get them to a counselor ASAP.

Sometimes, even when the truth is told, it will have an opposite effect on the child than what you would expect. And if Dad is used to abusing and lying, he can probably be pretty convincing to the kids, too. Don't drag them into it if you don't have to - but don't sugarcoat or make excuses why Dad left either. If they are younger than 12 or 13 I would just tell them that Dad made some very bad choices, but they were his choices. Tell them that you will be glad to explain more details when they are old enough to understand them better.

Ask yourself what your reasoning for wanting to tell them the truth actually is. Would it be beneficial for them to know why he left or would it cause more problems on top of what the divorce already has?

Your kids and their well-being (building emotionally healthy, empathetic human beings) are your top priority at this point. Not revenge or 'getting back' at their dad.

Answer 3

My partner is 29 years old and was told very little about his father who was an abuser. He is now struggling in life because he wasnt told the truth and things were kept hidden from him. I dont think you need to be graffic with the details but be honest and then nothing can come back to haunt you when youre life is better and more settled in later life. I was adopted and told about it from as far back as i can remember. I have no bitter feelings because the facts were there in front of me. Be there always to answer any questions he may have. You will find somebody better, and remember the worst is over and if you can survive this you can survive anything.

Take care you and relief that you are not the only person that has this going on in their lives. I wish you good luck in the future.

Answer 4

Answer questions honestly. Children will usually start to ask questions when they're ready for the answers. But don't paint a bad picture of him just to avoid painting a pretty picture. Divorce is a horrible thing, but worse yet is allowing the hurt feelings that come from divorce to cause you to use your children as pawns in the struggle that continues after. I've only known of one divorce personally where all the fault was on the shoulders of one person. Make sure that when you're telling your children the truth, you're telling the whole truth. Even the parts that make you look bad.

Answer 5

You don't have to paint any kind of pretty picture. How old are your kids? If there was that degree of abuse, did it happen when they were not old enough to know? Then don't tell them anything. You chose him, not them. If he is good to them, do not try to spoil their image of him. They will never see him the way you do. If he proves unfaithful to them as a father, they will more than find that out for themselves. Don't try to increase your leverage with your children by demeaning their father. I have learned, the hard way, in marriage that even though someone make a covenant at an altar, they can do whatever they want...it is up to the offended party to decide how much he/she will take or put up with. If my marriage goes sour, it is not my job to sit down and share my bitterness with my children. Really, they don't want to hear anything bad about the father/mother they love. There are many cases where they have to be told, things get serious. However, assess whether your need to tell is based on necessity or your own need to be "the right/good parent."

Answer 6

I'm in a similar situation and I was also brought up with domestic abuse going on. Your kids are probably more aware of what went on between you and your ex than you realise, if they are not already asking questions I think you can guarantee they have a fair idea of what went on. Growing up I was always aware of my father's violence towards my mother, I never asked any questions of my mother when we left because I knew exactly why. Years later I speak to my mum about it all quite freely and she is really surprised by how much I was aware of. Kids are very astute and if you think they already have an idea of how you were treated, I would leave it at that. Giving too much info could backfire and be seen as a way to turn them against their dad. They will ask you if they want to know, you know your kids and you'll know how much detail they can deal with. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

They don't need to know all the gory details. By telling them the details, you're trying to turn them on their father. No matter what kind of bastard he was to you, he'll always be their father. They need to determine their own relationship with him. If they ask about the divorce, don't paint a pretty picture that never existed. Tell them limited truth. Use discretion in the information you give them.

Answer 8

Never forget that 50% of the child is the father.
By making a villain of the father, you effectively tell the children that they're no good. Too many women forget this fact and assume that their children are going to place them on a pedestal as a martyr or a Mother Theresa. A woman who berates her ex in front of the children is doing no good to herself or to the kids. Besides, she's advertising to the world what a bad judge of character she is, or that she'll crawl into bed with anyone who'll have her.

Answer 9

I do not think there is ever a good time to tell children the nastiness of a divorce. What would be the motivating factor here? You should not paint this "pretty picture" either. Just simply tell them that sometimes people find they are unable to stay together and that is that. However, that in spite of the divorce the two of you still and always will have their best interest at heart. Good luck and God bless

Answer 10

The kids do not want to know about all of that and why should they. The most important thing is to hug them and tell them you love them. They are really young to know about all of that, don,t take your bitterness about what happend. They love you both, just say you did not get along but still love them, they know its not a rosy picture, theirs the truth and heartles truth, consider their feelings in this and not your own.