My ex-wife took my little girl 300miles away on our separation to live in Torquay, should i follow her?

Question

In January this year, my ex-wife split with me because she was unhappy about where we lived and wasnt prepared to wait while i sold the house, quit my job etc, so she moved down to Torquay to be close to her mum while i sorted things out up here in Cambridgeshire. By the time the house sold etc, she had made a new life for herself in Torquay, moved into a new place and decided to not give our marriage the chance to survive so we are now divorced. I miss my daughter like crazy and visit as much as I can and had her up here for a week a couple of weeks ago too. I talk on the phone to my daughter every night but its not the same as being there for her. I'm in a good job with respected position up here in Cambridgeshire but its my little girls birthday tomorrow, she'll be 4. I wonder to myself whether to jack in my job&friends to be nearer to my daughter in Devon. My ex has moved on and is 2 months pregnant by another man which worries me that my girl will lose the bond we have. Advice?

Thanks for your positive responses. Minimoto: I have arranged through my solicitor and her solicitor proper arrangements for taking car of my little girl, and holidays etc. Its just when i am with daughter I really wish i didnt have to take her back. I've tried to build a friendship again with my exwife, but she doesnt seem interested in that with her new fella around now. Ive even asked how her pregnancy is going and how the scan has gone, so tried to put my feelings for her aside and be adult about this situation. I'm very undecided about moving so far away from the rest of my family and friends to be closer to Kianah (my little girl), but appreciate the advantages of being with her much more often because i was there for her totally in the first 3 yrs of her life (in fact i was the one who would get up with her during the night). Thanks again for all your comments. If anyone is interested, i photograph the good times me and her have and put them on www dot kianah dot co dot uk.

ribena: i suspected as much recently because of her becoming so involved with someone so quickly after our marriage. She already has a child by a previous relationship and that little boy is now 9 yrs old and has only seen his father once in his life. I have a feeling that my ex made is very difficult for that little boys natural father in exactly the same way as she's doing to me. Theres a pattern here. I do feel for that little boy because he looked to me as his father figure and i treated him as such whilst me and her were together, but now her new guy is the father figure to him and that little boy must be very confused.

Answer 1

i looked on the website and you have a beautiful daughter, you must be very proud!

I just wish my x was as caring and willing to maintain his relationship with his sons.
If you think in your heart of hearts that you can maintain the relationship that you want with your daughter if you stay where you are then stay and if not then go. I live in devon bout 15 miles from torquay it is nice down here but you need to find a balance with everything in your life- your daughter might be worth it but dont see yourself unhappy in all other areas of your life. good luck

Answer 2

Your wife already had eyes for somebody else before she put her roots down in Torquay. She knew very well that this marriage was over. Only she failed to be honest with you from day one. She was very quick to re-establish herself in a new area and is already expecting a 2nd child. Now, I understand that you have a good job; you can either get one nearer to your daughter - surely with your experience (I assume this is the case as you have a good job already), you'll be able to find another one closer to her. Although, if I were you, I'd keep the job I have, and fight for the custody of my child. I think your ex-wife has and still is taking you for a mug, probably expecting maintenance, whereas you hardly get to see your child. This is not right, and you are right. Speaking to your daughter on the phone cannot compare to the physical presence of a father that will hug, protect, and care for the child, when they are sad and happy. Time gone is irreversible. Be there for her now, and don't let that cow manipulate the situation. You are obviously a good dad and I wish you all the best.
P.S I've seen the pics, she is a cutie. I like the one with her little face right up the camera :)

YOUR EX DESERVES TO BE YOUR EX, SHE OBVIOUSLY HAS LOW MORALS. YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER ANYWAY, JUST FIGHT FOR YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Besides, you don't want to go anywhere near Torquay, my mother-in-law lives there :)) Good luck with everything, you're a good man!

Answer 3

Its sad to hear that your ex-wife did not wait for you to make changes. What is worth is that if you continue to build a life revolving around your daughter, her mum should surely see how much you really love your daughter and ow precious she is to you. One the other hand the disadvantage would be if you followed her and shes no more interested you would be wasting your time, but you never know what the possibilities are. If you are still in love with her you should go and see but approach like you were neva going to see her again and tell her how much you really feel for her and your child, if shes not prepared to be with you again just come to an agreement that you will always be there and you want to see your daughter more often. Your daughter will remember these things as she is growing up and will want to be around with you, because you want nothing more but for your child to be happy. Goodluck x

Answer 4

Life's difficult sometimes, isn't it?
My advice - don't have any regrets. You sound educated & able to obtain another well-paid job in any area of Britain , so , unless you've formed another relationship where you are now, move to be closer to your daughter, to establish a stronger bond with her during her formative years.
Fathers can so easily give up fighting for contact with their kids because there are so many obstacles to overcome but , ultimately it's the child who suffers by not having the opportunity to get to know their natural father.
If your wife has moved on then accept it & move on too but don't let go of your daughter, fight for as much contact as you can - you won't regret it & neither will she.

Answer 5

You are obviously a loving father to your daughter.I would have a solicitor to arrange contact that would be on a regular basis eg you have your daughter in school holidays etc.I think that you should write to your ex getting your feelings down on paper she can't ignore a letter and tell her that you are worried about contact with your daughter.I don't think that you should give up your friends or job it was your ex that decided to move without waiting,if you do you may feel very isolated in Devon.

Answer 6

Your wife had already finished the marriage before she left.

Do anything you need to do to be with your daughter. She is four now, and will be 18 in the blink of an eye. The blessing that you will receive by being her father as she grows up will be worth it, beleive me.

A daughter learns how to relate to men by the example of her father. You have the most imprtant role to play in her life. Be there for her.

See if you can get shared custody or residency or whatever it is called in your country.

Answer 7

This exactly what happened to a friend of mine, he lived on the Isle of Wight and she moved right up to the North East with his son.

He travelled up and down for years with a visit every other weekend, the cost of fuel and particulally the Ferry hit him hard making him put a lot of his life on hold.

He eventually made the move to be 5 miles away from her but it was easier for him than you bacause he has friends and family here in the NE such as me.
Going out on a limb will be a bit more awkward but whose to say you can't do the reverse trip once in a while to see your friends?

He has now been here for 3 years, is settled and sees his son weekly with plans to now have joint custody, the boy is 12 years old and asked to live with his father so this is a compromise that's been discussed.

I would speak to your ex about your plans, promise her your wont move in next door and will not interfere in her day to day life.

Tell her (as my pal did) that your doing it 100% for the benefit of your daughter (and not for you) she is your priority completely and it will be in her best interest to have regular contact with you in a warm safe enviroment.(your home as opposed to McDonalds with all the other dads)

I really feel for you, a bad situation but things can work out as you can see above.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I really do feel for you there is nothing stronger than the love between a parent and a child. Think carefully before you do anything as you do need a job to exist. If finding a new job is no problem I would be down there like a shot. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

No leave them alone, concentrate on making a decent relationship with your ex, fighting is over, if you want to see your child without malice, move on, wish her well. Children grow up how silly you'll look when at 13 she says I hate you f off, and you've dumped your old life for 9 years of fighting with the ex and the odd weekend visit.

Answer 10

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/NIb9u

Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.

The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.

Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.