Another ex coming into the picture - your thoughts?

Question

Now I have this problem where we both have myspace profiles (we are both still young and have all our high school buddies on there and such) - so as I was poking around as usual( b/c he had a porn addiction bef) - I saw that him and an ex have been communicating casually over the last few days. At first I was upset b/c his message to her was "i heard the name shelly and so i thought of you - how are you doing" - I got over it. But again was more upset b/c I didn't know about it. So then I continued to check in on it to see where it was going - the last couple of emails are now asking for phone numbers. So if it isn't porn - it is contacting an ex. I confronted him calmly about it tonight and he decided to bury himself under the sheets and go to sleep. His response was that he didn't think it was a big deal and that he wasn't expecting to call her. He said she asked for his phone number and I said well I didn't see that email and he said "i deleted it" and i said well then you were thin

king to hide something b/c you didn't delete all your other mail. And just back and forth. He made a big deal out of me talking to an old friend that I dated (I didn't even have sex with the guy lol) and I stopped talking to him. I told him - it's enough to have his "ex" (his daughter's mother) in our life - then he also keeps the number of another ex (but i let that slide b/c she is the sister of his deceased best friend) - I'm like I can't deal with three of your **** partners in my life. My "major" ex (since i really only had one true boyfriend before him) and I had a bad relationship so he sees no reason for me to talk to him. And I agree, but that ex tries to still contact me and of course sometimes Im tempted to respond just to get back at BOTH of them. But i haven't. And so when I see stuff like this, I am somewhat amused, surprised, and hurt.

He somewhat has the upper hand b/c his sexual free life while in college in high school was that of a freaking porn star. I however, am

am into theatre (where I am constantly surrounded by gays) and also stayed a virgin til the end of my college years. So I don't have this long list of old **** buddies that were friends.

So right now while he is sleeping I just feel like going on yahoo personals where i used to be and find old friends or hi 5 or whatever so I can have my bag of friends. I know it isn't right. But I know he wouldn't like that idea. I told him why wouldn't you tell the truth? Good I know it now , b/c what if I found out a couple months from now you have been talking to her for two months - umm that would kind of suck for both me and him. I would be livid about not knowing that.

Answer 1

Apparently he is still interested in his ex. It may be time to let him go if he doesn't stop. Give him a choice to either stop talking to her or stop being with you. Then go from there.

Answer 2

I believe that you guys need to sit down and set out some clear boundaries in your relationship. When a partner turns it on you and says "What about your ex..." is a maniulative behaviour.

There are three stages of manipulative behaviour

1) Minimisation - Hey its not a big deal, Why are you making an issue out of this.
2) Counter allegation - But what about the ex you still talk to...
3) Feining - "Your upseting me" cry, tears ...

To deal with these behaviours you need to
1) No it's is a big deal, because it hurts me when you ask other women for thier phone number
2) This is not about me and my ex, this is about you asking another woman for her phone number
3) I can see you are upset, here's a tissue but we are going to continue this conversation.

Everyone has a history, these is not a defence to actions in a committed relationship.

The boundaries you need to set are:

When is it appropriate to communicate with ex's. Maybe when your there.

Honesty - If there is something that you think I shouldn't know (that is new in your relationship) then tell the other person. If they don't find about it from you, they will definately find out later.

Respect - When I feel uncomfortable about how you are behaving in our relationship, what are you going to do to make it better.(and visa versa)

If you set boundaries, when you wither of you cross them, there will be consequences. Byt hey, without boundaries you have no relationship.

Answer 3

Both of you should stop visiting Myspace.

Answer 4

could be that he just wanted to stay friends but being a guy there is other motives tell him how you feel

Answer 5

ok this is a tough question, this may take me a few days to read, I will get back to you on this ok?