I am emotionally neglected- the sex life is sizzling and he thinks he is working on the rest, but...?

Question

For years he has thought it was just fine to show his commitment by banging on **** in the garage!? Now I've had it, he knows it, he is trying but... I am last on his list of people he is emotionally connected to or supportive of. I am lonely for a connection that we havent had for years. Years of this has put my patients for his love and affection on a short and sensetive fuse. He has made many other mistakes, is working on them, is pulling his head out of his *** when it comes to family stuff, but with me/ still last.

Ok so this thing started out all about sex when we were young and horny. Now we have kids- they are getting older. Now the hubbie and I are a bit older and a lot hornier, and too stubborn to bag this thing. And yes a lot of it has to do with having kids in the house still- just a concervative, hardcore value that neither one of us can give up, even though we bagged many of our values years ago.

Answer 1

Dear Depressed Wife,

You describe certain facts that suggest that your husband doesn't love you anymore, and yet you still love him desperately. You do not give information about your couple relationship.

- How long have you been married?
- Did you get married out of mutual love?
- Do you have children together?

People don't stop loving each other just like that. Falling out of love is a process, like falling in love. It may be a long process, and, if you look at it carefully and sincerely, with your eyes wide open, you will be able to see and understand what brought you both to this situation in your marriage.

It is always important, even necessary, to look back in order to understand the roots of the current problem.

Here are some questions that may clarify what I mean by 'trying to look back in order to understand':

1. When you got married, what was the contract between you and your husband? On what basis did you make your emotional commitment? What were your mutual expectations?

2. Have these expectations been satisfied or answered, or have you been disappointed?

3. What kind of relationship do you manage to have now?
- How do you communicate?
- Do you talk openly to each other or do you keep your feelings to yourselves? - Do you share thoughts that may make you feel uneasy, like fear, jealousy, anger, lack of confidence etc.?
- Or do you communicate through negative and bad thoughts or feelings, more than through love, openness, appreciation, reinforcement etc.?
- Are you aware of having conflicts between you and are these conflicts put on the table?
- Or is everything 'under the carpet'?
- When you argue (if you argue), how do you end your fights?
- Are you able to apologize and resolve the fight?
- How do you make up?
- Do you share common interests?
- How is your sexual life together? Is it worse than it was at the beginning and, if yes, why?
- Besides your marital relationship, how is your life in general? Are you satisfied with it?

After asking yourself all those questions, my suggestions to you are:

1. Stop being desperately depressed and start to look at reality as it is. Despair, depression, and self-pity are overwhelming you and paralyzing you from reacting and doing something to make a change.

2. Have the courage to open a dialogue with your husband to discuss the issues which bother you, but present yourself as a thinking and rational woman, not as a desperately depressed wife. Tell him what you are willing to do in order to keep the marriage, and what you are not willing to take anymore. And of course, listen to what your husband has to say.

3. This can be the beginning of a new contract between you, based on expectations that are more realistic. Have the courage to see what is wrong in your relationship and to evaluate the things that you want and can change.

4. Start to live your life: invest yourself in work, studies, hobbies, friends, family etc. Take care of yourself by doing exercise, eating well and thinking positive thoughts to give you strength to continue and prevent despair and depression. You can become an active participant in your life by choosing to do what feels good for you.

Good luck,

Answer 2

I would not mind a life like that at all, sounds pretty comforting and low stress. Can I have some bubbles? Poll: Yes, I do think that's funny.

Answer 3

Sounds like you need to try and get some support or fun elsewhere to get you out of your slump... If the sex is "sizzling", then there is still a connection there... If there wasn't, then you'd be missing out there too...

Answer 4

it sounds like your relationship is just about sex,sex.sex. Now you want more.Good for you. Can he give you that?
Ask yourself, giving yourself an honest answer, When you are ******* in the garage or where ever, is it just having sex or is there that emotion that you both feel and know is real. that should give you an answer

Answer 5

You could try giving him a consequence both good and bad for not fulfilling your needs, but you have to make them clear and state when he's failed you at the moment. It could help him with some guidance maybe.......

Answer 6

You need to decide what you want and then work on it.

If you both want to it can be fixed. You both would need to let go of anger and resentment to start anew.

Answer 7

make up your mind if youwant to fix or dump
if you are resentful of his attempts and he gets no encouragement what do you think the chances are?

Answer 8

there are guys out there who can maintain an emotional connection ... but they all have boyfriends already.