Need advice on 14 year old boy??

Question

My son is 14 and constantly is in trouble at school. He gets distracted by others too easily and will have to be the show off. I have countless phone calls from the principal. We have smacked, grounded, taken away things and banned him from his beloved sports. I tell him that he needs to buckle down and behave because without minimum grades and constantly distruptive on report cards who will employ him. But he just shrugs his shoulders and says I know. I feel like I have hit a brick wall with him because he thinks things will just fall into his lap. I remind him they don't, but he knows best. Any advice would be much appreciated

You are all right, I haven't only punished my son, we have rewarded him for good behaviour and all that heavy handed punishment as smacking hasn't been done for along time. We let him make decisions but at the same time he is still a child and can't be let to run wild. He is very rough and doesn't mind hurting his younger siblings, he is alot stronger than them but he has them too scared to stand up to him. Thats when I step in and come down heavy handed on him. He has threatened suicide and he has benn in councilling, and he is an attention seeker. And he does have a girlfriend. But all of your advice so far has been great

Answer 1

Bad age isn't? First you should know at this age your boy shifted from the kid that used to think that he's parents know everything to someone who thinks he knows everything and he's parents know nothing. You know nothing about cool music, hair style, fashion etc... He also just discovered that he's able to reason things better (from his point of view) and is able to defend himself and talk back. Treat him as a grown up and guide him by using I not You. Like "I would appreciate it very much if someone can throw the garbage out" rather than "Go take the garbage out.NOW". Be truthful and share your thinking: "I don't like taking the garbage out, but if someone can do it form me I would appreciate it.
Don't put him down for things that don't really matter to you, like "I don't like your new hair style" but say:" I like it, that's a go getter" even if you hate it. Save you the remarks for the things that are really inportant. Think of him as a friend not a son, can you ground a friend? Instead you refrain from talking to him. Soon he has to talk to you because he would need money or need you to drive him to the club. Don't and say:" Give me 1 good reason why should why?" Encourage him to talk to you by listening without showing that you're eager to know more. Don't interrupt him or give him advice while he's talking but wait till later and pass the advice in an indirect way. If he tells you about kids that take drugs at school don't interrupt because you have an urge to say: "Don't ever take drugs, do you understand?" save it till later. Later tell him the story of your friend who used drugs and how it destroyed his life.
It is perfectly natural that a 14 year old hates his parents for limiting his actions. Don't feel bad and keep hugs and kisses and don't praise him too much if he does something good but do praise him. Orders don't work now, try to go with the flow and carefuly steer the boat in the right direction.

Answer 2

I assume he has had a thorough physical with all indicated tests and that he is normal for his age. Fourteen is an age where boys are acutely aware of how they stack up against the other boys in his class. Kids that are not sure of their place or who feel inferior in general ways - too short, too skinny, too many zits, too chubby, etc. - will try to find something in their personality that gets them positive feedback from their peers. You can't fight the peer thing these days. Your son has apparently found that he is 'high fived' in school when he shoots himself in the foot by showing off and getting in trouble. The 'high' he gets from the peers is worth anything that follows, including being grounded, etc. What he needs is an older man 22 - 65 who spends time with him pointing out what is classy and what is not. Just a gentle discussion of the differences in men and how odd it is that the gentler the man the better off he seems to be. When going to a movie, go to one of the really well done films that young people find out they love. Meryl Streep's "Devil Wears Prada" had tons of class, was very funny and beloved by teens everywhere. Show him the cool stuff that is also classy.
When you get phone calls ask enough questions to know exactly what he did. Was he not PC? Is there a kid in school who knows how to bait him? Then ask him pointed questions: "I understand Billy had a bad day and slammed his desk. I also understand you laughed and pretended to do the same. Why would you do that?" He'll say 'I don't know" but you won't accept that. Show him how his behavior looked to others and how he hurt someone else. Ask him againl "Why would you do that?" Demand an answer. You will begin to learn how to direct his time out of school.
Swatting is no good. He's too old. Grounding is fine but his time grounded needs to be well spent. Not doing homework is not an option. Someone sit with him - a college volunteer, if the parents are too busy. Then have him help a younger sibling. Pay him for his time. Show him what he can do and how good he is at it. Don't take away sports. That's the best I can do to describe the approach I would take.

Answer 3

Have you heard of the show trading spaces or something like that? Maybe you should trade him off to a very poor family and then take their kid (good kid) but don't tell them he is a trouble maker (your son I mean). Let your son learn how hard other people have it as compared to him because he's got people who are willing to work with him and actually care about him! After that maybe then he will realize he's got to respect everything and everyone around him because somebody else may have it Ten times worse.

If he doesn't learn now, he will mess with the wrong crowd and they may not like how he is treating others and carrying himself and then it will be too late and he may get into deep trouble.

Answer 4

At this point and time he is testing you. No disrespect but you gonna have to show him that you are the adult and he is the child. He is 14 so them little whooping are not going to work anymore. You doing right so far by taken things away from him now you need to make him think that you will seriously hurt him. I mean you have to go so crazy on him that you scare your self. Make his *** do push up until his arms buckle. Punch him in his chest when he does something that you told him not to do.

Answer 5

any child of this age gets brain damage for some reason..lol... no seriously they do.. I did,, and so did my kids... one thing I have learned though is that when grades start slipping... friends all change,, and they lose respect for you and don't listen to you, then usually it's due to drugs.. My guess is that this boy is using ... i know as a parent you don't want to believe it..i didn't either but it was the case with mine...i gave mine.everything that I could.. he was active in sports and wore the best I could
give ,, yet he got with the wrong crowd and grades slipped,,, quit sports teams by junior year and never attended school and dropped out... u need to quit handing this boy eveything and have him drug tested... good luck i know it's hard... but remember better to be safe than sorry. Mine is 23 now been in jail and has worried years off my life... again.. good luck.. and let him know who the boss is YOU>

Answer 6

The problem with high school is that it's a bit like a prison. You're trapped there until you graduate. And people can be very hard on you. Wait until after high school to make any kind of announcement. In the meantime, develop your own "gadar" and hope that others are doing the same. And you can find teen gay chat rooms to vent your feelings in the meantime.

Answer 7

I was a gifted child in school and had similar problems. I was bored in class and would act out. I was placed in more challenging and creative classes and that helped. Also try getting him into music, playing the drums in the school marching band is a good way for him to be a show off and also learn some discipline.. good luck, and enjoy him anyway for in a few years he will out of the house and you will miss him.

Answer 8

You seem to have used the stick so far (i.e. you have tried force), so how about the carrot (e.g. encouragement, long walks & talks about what is important in his life)?

My son was bored at school, so he played up - in his case he's really bright and just needed encouragement & a bigger challenge and he grew out of it.

It really helps to talk, develop a relationship with your son, who will soon be a man...

He's learning that he is big enough now to start making his own decisions but life is complex & confusing ... help him, but gently
.

Answer 9

Grounding him will only make it worse, which is what most parents don't understand. The worse you treat him, the lower his self esteem will be. Get him a girlfriend, and he might start doing better. Also, give him positive encouragement. Try to make him like his life a bit more, and he will likely do better.

Answer 10

Make him understand the age of accountability and bring him to know the WORD of God. After that it is up to him as he has a mans choice to make.

Only God can soften your sons heart and keep him form marching to the lake of fire.

It may not be what you wanted to hear but there are forces in the world who's aim is to destroy our young men and strip them from loyalty to God, family, and self.

It ain't easy growing up in world war 3.