I have this friend at work who is a very masculine acting lesbian. We were talking, and she was telling me she wasn't happy with the job anymore and that she was thinking about leaving, getting a CDL license, and driving a truck. Kiddingly, I laughed and said to her "Now you'll REALLY be a diesel dyke!" She didn't laugh. I said "Oh, that didn't offend you, did it? You know I'm kidding" and she said "Nah, not at all" and continued on with what she was saying, but I got the feeling that I probably did offend her.
I felt bad. I'm gay, she's a lesbian, we have a good relationship, and I thought it would be OK for us to kid around with each other like that. I meant no harm by it, was only in fun.
Was I wrong in saying that? If you had a friend that made a similar comment to you, would you have been offended?
2006-11-08 17:57:54 · 17 answers · asked by ByTheSea 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Dwayne- she's constantly busting my chops, we typically play around and that's why I thought it was OK. Maybe she was just having a bad night, she wasn't her typical self. I'm probably over-thinking it, it may just be that she was preoccupied. Thanks for all the nice responses.
2006-11-08 18:17:52 · update #1
Hey, we all have persnickety moments.She was bitching about the job and you made a joke.It was funny! I would have bust a gut laughing if one of my gay friends had said that to me.She was still in her "bitching frame of mind and it caught her off guard is my guess!
I always asked my buddies at work," what do dykes and mechanics have in common? We both use Snap-On tools! LOL! I was a mechanic before I retired.The Looks I'd get! That was funnier than the joke!
You sound like a nice guy to have as a friend!
2006-11-08 21:00:29 · answer #1 · answered by auntgnu62 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I AM a diesel dyke and damn proud of it. However, the term "Diesel Dyke" does not necessarily refer to a lesbian truck driver. It is an old term and has referred to very hard-looking masculine acting women... and was of course an insult.
Your friend may have at first reacted badly from the original definition before you apologized. If she knows you well, she prolly realized you had no idea what you were talking about and will get over it. Just give her some time and space.
2006-11-08 18:18:21 · answer #2 · answered by revenueforge 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she was just annoyed and thinking about how unhappy she was about the job. She may have not been that focused on what you were saying. I know I've been mad and bitching about something and someone else made a joke and I didn't laugh cuz I was focusing on how pissed I was about the subject. This is probably the case especially if you two have joked and laughed and teased each other in the past. The clue is that she continued on with what she was talking about. She was probably just irritated that you interrupted her and made a joke while she was bitching. She may be a lesbian but she's still a woman and we don't like to be interrupted when we're bitching.
2006-11-08 19:18:47 · answer #3 · answered by DawnDavenport 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I used to be a diesel dyke. Now, I'm just a dyke with no diesel. Not driving any more. I didn't find that offensive. But, then I've been there done that.
"Diesel Dyke" is not a good CB handle. There are some wacked truckers out there, who could cause a lot of damage.
2006-11-08 23:58:32 · answer #4 · answered by Eat At The Y 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it's just the stereotype that offended her. I know if someone called me that I'd be offended, but that's because I'm not a "butch" lesbian.
If you two really are good friends, I have to agree with the suggestion to take her out for coffee and apologize. Let her know you meant no harm and that your friendship really does mean a lot to you.
I'm sure she'll get over it.
It could just be that someone actually did use that term towards her in a way that was meant to hurt previously to you saying it that upset her.
You just don't know.
2006-11-08 18:08:36 · answer #5 · answered by DEATH 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I probably wouldn't find this offensive. I mean it is a stereotype that we have had to come to live with. Maybe she was pmsing or something. Do you usually joke with her in that kind of way? Would you get offended if she mocked your sexuality? I guess you just have to look at it from if you would appreciate the comment.
It is ok for you to muck around. Maybe you need to ask her if she was offended by the comment. I assume time has passed and maybe now she will be cool with it.
2006-11-08 19:39:47 · answer #6 · answered by gretphemelger 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I haven't heard that term in years.
You may have caught her off guard with your comment and therefore the reaction. I feel sure she just shrugged it off and thought no more about it.
To be honest, the joke was cute and hit the nail on the head and if it had been aimed at me I would have laughed but your friend most likely has had an issue here. Maybe someone has called her that in a not so nice way. She just had to stop and think who it was coming from that's all.
2006-11-08 18:10:27 · answer #7 · answered by dragon 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
My interpretation of what happened: you figured you were close enough that you could say something like that without being taken seriously, but she was in a 'serious thought' frame of mind (maybe even more serious than she realized) and missed the cue that you were trying to lighten the mood; couple with the kind of thing she may be used to hearing from people who *are* trying to be offensive, and it comes off for a second as an offensive comment when it wasn't intended as such. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the 'feeling' you got (that she was offended) was even her being irritated at herself for taking offense.
2006-11-08 18:26:46 · answer #8 · answered by angiekaos 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
If your friendship with her is solid and you joke around like that with her usually then I'd say that you did no wrong. Sometimes political correctness needs to be thrown out the window... especially when it's just two mates having a laugh. Stop stressing! Is it possible that she just doesn't like stereotypes? If she was offended then it might have been at the stereotype and not at you.
2006-11-08 18:04:16 · answer #9 · answered by Mooks 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋
well, within a circle of gay/lesbian friends, it's not usually offensive. I've joked around with my friends like that. it's kind of like how I hear my black friends use the "N" word when talking to each other....but not appropriate for someone who's not black to use it. had you been a straight person saying that, it would probably seen as offensive...unless you were a really close friend and you usually joke around like that. it's all about the intent and the context.
2006-11-09 01:30:26 · answer #10 · answered by redcatt63 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋