He yells for no apparent reason at her, degrades, calls her stupid, embarrasses her in front of other people, and forcibly disagrees with anything she says. I don't think he has ever hit her, but frequently "jokingly" pinches and pokes to the point of sometimes leaving bruises(I consider this physical abuse). Both parties are long time friends of mine, and I really don't want to see them split up. I honestly believe he has a mental disorder (possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and needs treatment, but I don't think that just talking to him about it will get him to seek help. His wife has confided to me that she believes the same as I do, and that if he does not change soon she will leave him. I have considered confronting him about seeking help, but I am afraid it will mean sacrificing the friendship. I am willing to do this if it means he will get help, but I honestly don't believe he will. I have given this a lot of thought, and would appreciate thoughtful responses.
2006-11-08 17:40:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have been friends with the husband for 20+ years and the wife for about 7 years.
2006-11-08 18:03:23 · update #1
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do unless Mrs. Friend is willing to press charges against Mr. Friend. You can start by talking with a local women's shelter on behalf of Mrs. Friend. Collect information on counseling for the abused and the abuser, services available to the abused, ect.
Then approach Mrs. Friend explain to her what domestic violence is. For information on what DV is, go to http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html. You might also hand her a copy of the DV quiz for "Am I being abused" available at http://www.ndvh.org/educate/abuse_quiz.html. Then, based on that quiz and information you've passed along, ask Mrs. Friend exactly how serious she is about leaving Mr. Friend and standing up for herself. Note: it only takes answering "yes" to ONE question on that quiz to indicate an abusive relationship!
It may be that Mrs. Friend is afraid of Mr. Friend -- afraid to speak up, speak out, and/or stand up for herself. Tell Mrs. Friend that you are having a hard time restraining yourself when Mr. Friend is behaving badly, and the very next time you see Mr. Friend being a complete jerk you will call the police for your own peace of mind. Make a report on the domestic violence you just witnessed. If there are marks and/or if Mrs. Friend will stand up to Mr. Friend just slightly, the police will remove Mr. Friend from the home at least overnight. Once Mr. Friend is removed from the house, it's up to Mrs. Friend to follow through with pressing charges. (Note: Sometimes, not always, Mrs. Friend will be removed from the loop by the County Attorney and he will press charges without her assistance or consent.)
Good luck to you & Mrs. Friend! :)
2006-11-08 17:58:09 · answer #1 · answered by kc_warpaint 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
80% is false. It's a lot higher than that and women are just as likely to initiate violence against a spouse or significant other as men are. It's all unacceptable. I think right now in this country and abroad, marriage & having children is a scary proposition whether you live together or not. Today, the divorce rate is so high due to no-fault divorce. If you have kids, for women - that means they hold all the cards. A man today has to realize that, love and "the dream" aside, the risks to men/fathers far outweigh the rewards. Check the source - some great books and other resources on just this issue. Family court is tilted heavily in favor of women/mothers. Moms have all the rights, get all the benefits, and dad is too often relegated to a visitor in his children's lives while being an ATM machine for mom. He can lose half (or more) of the cash, cars, house, investments, etc... and worse - the children. Seriously, if I had known then what I know now about how the divorce machine sucks in fathers, grinds them up, and spits them out so unceremoniously, I would have never gotten married. I would have given up my dream of having a family. With no-fault divorce (the biggest killer of marriage and families) you don't need an excuse anymore to get a divorce. You just don't have to feel like being married anymore - and with that reality comes the truth - a marriage is no longer a contract, so what's the point except to put yourself and your future at risk when someone "doesn't feel like it anymore?" With women (who have children) initiating almost 3/4 of divorces today (most men don't even see it coming), it's the smart man who chooses not to get married and certainly not have children... and that's a shame. This affects men, women, and children alike. It affects everyone and people need to wake up to that reality. I know that there are lousy men and lousy fathers in this world - but make no mistake - the are plenty of lousy women and lousy mothers in this world and we should all be treated the same way (good or bad) and that simply isn't happening today.
2016-05-21 23:41:41 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are getting some good answers but to me the bottom line is that if your friend is being abused she needs to get out quickly because her life is in danger. This may seem melodramatic but it's true. And she has to make the decision to leave- you can't do it for her. All you can do is let her know your thoughts, and maybe do some research and let her know what services are available to her.
I wouldn't worry so much about losing the guy's friendship if you confront him. Do you really want to be friends with someone who behaves this way? Maybe he will more open to accepting help if his wife leaves him. One possibility is to do an all out intervention just like you would with a drug addict. Involve other significant people in the guy's life- everybody tell him how they are affected by his behavior. But- I don't have a lot of hope for this man. Basically I think the wife needs to get out- like yesterday.
2006-11-08 19:54:13 · answer #3 · answered by peggy j 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, here is what I suggest ... 1. find a clinic or research on this thing ways to do intervention in this kind of case.
2. look and dig deep into the symptoms of the illness you *think* he may have, and get all the facts. treatment, cause and effect, etc....3. prof. help is the best but, if you decide to intervene be prepared for a long road, as his wife feels the same, she should also do all of the above... do NOT back this man into a corner, DANGEROUS to say the least.. this will be hard and emotionally challanging to all involved.. all I can tell you is be VERY PREPARED before you do anything.. accusing or saying he has what you think he does is serious and like I said dangerous for all... but, his wife is the one who will have to do any legal or medical stuff, she might have to have him commited and evaluated and then a judge will have to determine if he is a danger, etc..... God bless
2006-11-08 18:06:05 · answer #4 · answered by Annie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does your friend have family that could step in?Brothers,sisters,parents?Maybe getting their input would help.If not possible,you are left with the choice of confronting him yourself,and although it might jeopardize your friendship for the time being,I believe that if he's as good of a friend as you think he is,time and acceptance will bring the two of you closer in the end. At a minimum, you need to tell him how awkward you feel when he acts this way,let him know you've known that something is wrong with aspects of his "being" and leave it in his court for decidingthe next move.I hope that things work out ,in more ways than one.Good luck!
2006-11-08 18:04:03 · answer #5 · answered by chanet_rogers 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen, if she is really getting abused like you said she is then tell her to get the hell out of there. I don't think that you confronting him about it will be a good idea as it's not your job to tell him. Your friend needs to smarten up and take charge of her situation or else she may end up getting physically abused one day, or worse.
2006-11-08 17:46:37 · answer #6 · answered by Aurora 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very good blog, a beginner’s guide to abnormal psychology.
Short, clear and simple; and you can even post your question and contact the author regarding particular subject you are interested in
http://sensitive-psychoworld.blogspot.com/
2006-11-09 03:51:20 · answer #7 · answered by LIz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't save the world, but apparently you're in love with his wife or you wouldn't be so concerned. You're her only way out. If you help break up their relationship, you'll have to take her for yourself.
2006-11-08 17:47:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
IT IS HARD,VERY HARD. U R BEING A GUD FRND BY HELPIN HIM N SOME DAY HE WILL REALIZE.
2006-11-08 17:46:01 · answer #9 · answered by t_a_s_t_y 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
kick is ***, turn him in, and find a new friend, in that order
2006-11-08 17:48:33 · answer #10 · answered by Jezzica 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋